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Lazy Jim (standard:humor, 1460 words)
Author: stanley mcqueen kentucky backwoods writerAdded: Jul 26 2007Views/Reads: 2659/1511Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
short back wood story

Backwoods writer Stanley mcqueen 

Lazy Jim 

Paw and I was riding along the wagon road going into Muddy fork to by
some fencing wire so we could patch some of the places that the cattle 
had been getting out our farm. As we ride along paw is telling me a 
story about a fellow that he grew up around back when he was raised up 
in Virginia mountain ...son if their was ever a lazy no account fellow  
it was Jim Tucker.. He wouldn't strike at a shake if it was going to 
bite him. While all of us younger men back then was helping in the corn 
crops and such, he was laying on the porch stoop ever day with a big 
chaw of burley tobacco in his jaw. his Paw drew a army pension for and 
injury form the war and they got by on that little government pension.. 
Folk would often try and hire him to cut tobacco and he would refuse .  
His mammy would carry his meals to him like you would to the hogs , he 
hated to go to the outside toilet and one time that sorry man got to 
needing to poop and son do you know what he done ? He raised  the cabin 
window and stuck his butt out the hole of it and pooped , because he 
was to sorry to go to the outside toilet which was not fifty feet from 
his their shack. My first cousin was passing and riding a mule and seen 
his sorry butt sticking out the window and come and told all the 
neighbors about what he had witness... now my son if that wouldn't the 
laziness thing a man ever seen I don't know how sorry and lazy and man 
could get paw declared”  ever neighbor laughed at this happening and 
people went to calling him lazy Jim from then on.  The army called a 
bunch of us back then to go fight in the war and sent letters to every 
man at the age of eighteen and guess what they sent a letter to Jim 
shack “... well Jim was not about to serve his country so he took a 
shot gun and shot his right toes off to keep from serving and from then 
on he was wheeled around in what folks call a wheel chair, that just 
suited his fancy now his old aged paw and maw would have to push him 
around everywhere. I tell you son that young man was the laziest man 
ever born in the Virginia mountain, he was not going to do nothing that 
required any labor. It seems son he had a lazy streak a mile wide in 
him. Son I recall one summer when a county fair come to the Virginia 
mountains and low and behold they had a lazy man contest to see which 
man in the county district was the laziest.. Well me and Nath my best 
friend back then growing up we rode a mule over to Jim shack and told 
him about the lazy mans contest and got him to agree to inter it it it 
took some talking and such because he said he was to lazy to go into 
town and sign up and that he”d  join if the judges would send someone 
to carry him to the wagon and drive him to the fair .. Well we went to 
the fair manager and told him what Jim had declared about sending 
someone with a wagon and team and that they would half to carry his 
lazy butt and load him on the wagon when I told the manager that, he 
went to busting out laughing and said . That rascal is the laziest 
fellow I ever heard tell of wanting someone to carry him to a wagon and 
such was sure a lazy soul... the manager said It will be done . Because 
I want to see this fellow in person , and I have some of the fairs 
workers to go out to his place and fetch him to the lazy contest, 
declared to Fair manager, Nath and I was excited about the whole thing 
because the purse was two hundred dollars and that was a lot of money 
back then, the day of the fair began  and me and Nath went to see the 
lazy man contest and we took seat on some benches before a platform and 
it was not long till we seen them bring old sorry Jim on a wagon and 
they pushed him in a wheel chair and carried him on top of the platform 
and they  was about to set him down on a chair that was lined up for 
the lazy men to set on and be judged , and  Jim told the men that he 
didn't want to be setting in a chair and that they would have to get a 
bed for him to lay in or he would quit the contest and they went and 
retrieved a bed someone where about the fair and laid his sorry butt on 
the bed , while the other lazy men were  set in chairs. Me and Nath 
laughed and the crowd of on lookers roared in laughter, seeing them 
bring in a bed and lay him on  it , because he was to sorry to set up 
like the rest... Eight lazy men had entered the contest from in and 
around the district , and me and Nath was positive that Jim had this 
contest in the bag, the crowd watch on as the judges entered the 
platform looking at the lazy men . One had fallen asleep after he was 
set in the chair, and some of the others was all slurped down in their 
chairs to sorry to hold there back against the back of the strength 
back chairs.. They were two short judges and one was tall and the tall 
one was the chief judge and when he come to Jim laying in the bed that 
the fair had furnished he went to laughing and said I have judged the 
lazy man contest nigh twenty years and this is the first time I ever 

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