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|A New Pet (standard:humor, 1080 words)|
|Author: meesterking||Added: Aug 23 2001||Views/Reads: 1881/1134||Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)|
|I wanted a kitten or a gerbil, not a stormtrooper called Nigel|
A New Pet It wasn’t what I expected. A guinea pig, a cat, maybe a gerbil. That’s what I expected. Imagine you’re me, wandering online, looking for something different. It was at petluckydip.com. For the uninitiated, you type in your credit card details and your address, then for just 14.99 plus postage, they send you a pet chosen completely at random from their extensive selection. It could be kitten or cougar, rat or rhino. Reasoning it’d be something small and furry for me to fuss and feed I applied and promptly forgot about it. Anyway, when the front doorbell chimed, I was watching dodgy daytime TV, some silver haired lothario was eyeing up female audience members whilst ridiculing Kathy from Solihull and her attempts to bring up thirteen children on £28.50 a week. Tearing myself away I opened the door, my jaw dropped. Blocking out the midday sun was a menacing tower of white armour. I couldn’t believe it. The delivery guy had brought me a stormtrooper. I didn’t want a stormtrooper. I wanted a cat. I was told his name was Nigel, he’d need walking once a day but could feed himself. Whilst signing the delivery note, Nigel marched stiffly into the house. I shut the door, leaving the courier walking away whistling and went to make friends with my new pet. Nigel was standing to attention by the living room window, sitting down on the settee I coughed politely but there was no reaction. His uniform was gleaming, I felt touched as he must have polished it specially for the occasion. ‘Won’t you sit down?’ I asked ‘Is that a command?’ he sounded hopeful. ‘Err, yes’. He perched himself on the edge of an easy chair, laser rifle in hand, poised to spring up and defend the house from rebel intruders at any moment. I went to make a cup of tea. I offered him one but he declined in the clipped manner of a flight lieutenant in a 1940s propaganda film. As I drank my tea we began chatting, all the unanswered questions in my mind about star wars were answered. He explained everything. Obe Wan had been right when he said only stormtroopers were so precise, but due to the contractual obligations of appearing in the sequels, they were ordered to shoot to miss any rebel with a speaking part. It turned out that the emperor suffered from severe depression. ‘His evilness’ as Nigel called him, had planned to lose the war against the rebels all along. The imperial psychiatrist who discovered this was immediately frozen in carbonite and used as a desk by the emperors secretary. Apparently even the supremely evil being needed someone to dictate correspondence and answer calls from senators. It was alleged incidentally, that her mistyping on one particular memo led to an entire planets population being thoroughly and ruthlessly cleaned instead of slaughtered. The emperor had dictated ‘wipe them out, all of them’ but Denise (his secretary) had neglected to include the word ‘out’, thus leading to an imperial commander receiving a direct order to ‘wipe them, all of them’. It was only when an expense form was handed into accounts for over four billion jay-cloths that the mistake was realised. I found out all kinds of useless information. Apparently the empire seal of approval was bestowed on Mr Sheen alone for use on cleaning stormtrooper uniforms. The deathstar had a standing order for 5000 cans a week. I hope Mr Sheen feels happy, knowing he has a role in propagating an evil empire of epic proportions. But rebel cheers were raised for Boll Gatts, the computer whizkid whose software is used in all manned imperial vessels. Nigel bitterly recounted how tie fighters would freeze mid battle for no discernible reason or crash without warning. Then the imperial army upgraded from empire 3.1 to empire 95, which turned out to be merely a cosmetic improvement but didn’t actually work any better. It put a lot of money in Bolls pocket though, and that’s all he cared about. Stormtroopers tended to wear underwear and a vest as the inside of the suit could cause chafing to delicate areas. Nigel went very quiet when I asked about ewoks so I quickly changed the subject, asking if there Click here to read the rest of this story (40 more lines)
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