Why? Part 2. (standard:romance, 49007 words) [2/2] show all parts
Author: liy88	Added: Oct 27 2007	Views/Reads: 2334/1880	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Part 2.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

precious time alone. Why was that? 

I met his friends but we never hung out together. He never met any of my
friends before. The time when the world could see us together was when 
we were at the different parties we attended. “Shane, do you go on 
group dates?” I suddenly asked him. 

“Are you asking me on a group date?” he teased and when he saw my
expression, he stopped kidding around. “Yeah, when I was dating Lilly 
we went on a lot of group dates. We have the same group of friends.” 
They had the same group of friends. He and I did not have. We were two 
different people when we met. “How about you?” Shane asked. 

“Not really,” I answered. “It’s always just us. Spending time together.”


“That could be fun too,” Shane said. “The only reason we went on group
dates because we don’t have much in common to spend a lot of time 
alone.” 

I did not quite comprehend what he was saying. “Meaning?” 

“There wasn’t much to talk about when I was alone with Lilly,” he
explained. “That ever happens with you and Trey?” 

I shook my head. “So it’s not something weird if one never went on group
date before?” 

“Absolutely not,” he said, relieving me of the uncertainty. “Must be one
hell of a relationship if you both can spend each second together.” I 
laughed along with him. After a while, I stared at the highway in front 
of me and smiled to myself. He and I were together for while and being 
with him made me really happy. So why should I care if our relationship 
wasn’t like the ones my friends or even Calista had. He had been with 
me for almost three years after all. If I were uncertain about it, we 
would not have lasted that long. “Are we getting there yet?” I moaned. 
It seemed as though I had been driving for hours and it was getting 
dark. “You know, the earliest we can get back to Blu Creek is by nine,” 
he reminded me. “You still got to drive back home.” 

“Can’t I hire a driver and sleep in the back while he drives my car back
to Blu Creek?” I hoped. 

“Not a chance,” he answered sleepily and snuggled to take a nap. I
rolled my eyes and kept on driving the long, long journey. 

After we had unloaded the boxes at the hospital, I was starving due to
skipping lunch. It was dinner time and we headed to the nearest diner 
for a bite before driving back to Blu Creek. “I don’t want to drive 
that whole way back!” I complained after the waiter took our orders. 

“Wish I could help,” he shrugged sympathetically. “So load up your
stomach so you have the energy.” He was about to say something else 
when he was interrupted by a big guy clapping on his back. “Yo Bryant!” 
the guy boomed. “How come you’re all the way here? And what happened to 
your arm, man?” The guy I noticed was accompanied by a pretty looking 
girl. I smiled slightly at her and she returned it with a full grin. 
The way she looked at me was as though I knew her. “Rhian Sanders!” she 
shrieked and came up to hug me, which was way awkward as I was sitting 
down and she were wrapping her arms around me. I gave her a weak grin 
and tried to recall who she was. “It’s been a while! I didn’t know you 
moved here!” she went on. Moved here? She must be someone I met in New 
York. “Tell me, did you still keep in touch with the girl’s back there 
cos I lost Leslie’s number and I thought maybe you have it,” she kept 
talking. Leslie? God, I couldn’t place her back in my old school no 
matter how hard I tried. Who? Who was this girl? 

“Not really,” I played along. “I lost contact with almost every one.” 

“So do I!” she screamed. “There’s so much going on here! Anyway, I
forgot to introduce you my new boyfriend. This is Jake Matthews.” “He’s 
a football player,” she informed me as though it meant a lot. I guessed 
it did to her. “Are you still with your boyfriend back there? You know, 
the one where you had his name on your back....” This was really great. 
She could keep on talking and talking and I did not even need to try to 
remember who she was. Apparently the guys had finished talking and the 
girl finally stopped for a minute for us to say our goodbyes and they 
left the diner. 

“A friend from camp,” Shane supplied me as we continued with our food. 

“Someone from my past,” I informed him and rolled my eyes. 

“So, you must be famous. Every one seems to know about your tattoo,” he
teased. 

“You think girls keep their eyes on themselves in the locker room?” I
asked. 

“What did you see in there then?” he teased again and I threw a balled
up napkin at him. He managed to dodge it, unfortunately. “I don’t think 
I need to supply you what’s in the locker room,” I said. “You should 
know it on your own.” 

We left the restaurant and the dinner made me even more discouraged to
drive back home. “Can we like go back home after I take a nap?” I asked 
loudly as we strolled to the car. 

“There’s a motel nearby,” Shane suggested. “We could stay here for the
night and go back tomorrow morning.” I thought about it and the idea 
sounded extremely appealing. It was almost eight and the journey back 
would take me three more hours and I was not up to it. Suddenly, I 
heard a roar of thunder and lightning lighted up the dark night sky. 
Even before I had a chance to say something, both of us were drenched. 
We ran for shelter. “I guessed the god made our minds up for us,” he 
stated as we stood in front of the Night Owl Motel. Could the name be 
any more lame? “I thought it was summer!” I declared. 

*** 

Late at night, my cell phone rang loudly. I searched for the phone that
was resting on the night stand and answered it. Shane, who was sleeping 
next to me, stirred slightly at the noise. It was still raining heavily 
outside. 

“Hey,” he greeted, sending thrills like his voice usually did. 

“Hey you,” I greeted him back sleepily. “Where are you?” 

“In front of your house,” he said and I sat up. “Where are you?” I
repeated my question. 

“In Blu Creek. I went to your house but you weren’t there,” he said.
“Where are you?” What could I say to him? Although technically me and 
Shane weren’t doing anything, we were sharing the same bed. And I 
certainly would not like it if I heard that he was spending a night in 
a room with another girl. “I’m in Croton Falls actually.” 

“Where’s that?” 

“I thought you were in NYC,” I stated, trying to diverse him away. “How
come you’re back?” 

“I was there for a couple of days. What are you doing at Croton Falls?”
he asked again. 

I had to think fast. I did not want to give him any reason to be
suspicious. “Some of the girls want to get some cheerleading gear and 
we were too tired to go back so we stayed here for the night.” There, I 
lied to him. A big huge lie that gave me a bad sinking feeling in my 
gut. I was dying be in his arms at that moment. “I’ll drive back as 
soon as dawn breaks. You call me then okay?” 

“Yeah, see you later,” he said. “Love you.” 

“I know.” I hung up and tried to get back to sleep but my mind couldn’t
drift back to the deep slumber I was in. Minutes later, Shane’s shifted 
position causing his good arm to rest across my shoulders. The right 
thing to do was to tuck his arm back to himself but I didn’t. And I 
stayed up until morning wondering why I never did. 

*** 

It was drizzling lightly when we got ready to head back to Blu Creek.
Shane was fresh and chirpy since he slept like a baby throughout the 
entire night but I wasn’t. I was thinking about Him, waiting back in 
Blu Creek. How could I face him tonight? I had lied to him and right 
after that I felt at ease when another guy draped his arm around me. 
What was going on? Shane obviously wasn’t aware of how awkward I was 
feeling as just minutes before dawn breaks, he shifted again and turned 
his back against me. Lucky for me, he had kept a stream of chatters 
during the drive back and he did not notice any of the discomfort I was 
feeling. 

He slipped into my room like he usually did ever since I moved up here.
But unlike the million other times, his presence startled me. I 
actually jumped when he placed a hand on my shoulders that night. 
“What’s wrong with you?” he asked, taking a seat next to me on the 
comfortable couch in my room. “You didn’t even notice me coming in.” 

“I guess my mind’s somewhere else,” I replied and offered nothing more. 

“What time did you get back?” he inquired and stood up, walking towards
my vanity table and sat in front of it. I could see his eyes studying 
me through the mirror and I glanced away quickly. “About nine.” 

“You must be tired. And the volunteering after that,” he commented as he
juggled the bottles of my nail polish. I wanted to tell him to stop as 
all of the motion was making me dizzy. But if he was concentrating on 
it, it would take some of his attention away from me. 

“I skipped it, actually,” I offered. And I would be skipping the rest of
the sessions until summer ended. There was no way I could be with Shane 
again when being around him now made my heart pounds at twice its 
speed. “I don’t blame you,” he laughed lightly. “You must be dying to 
get to bed now.” I nodded slowly, silently begging him to leave. This 
was another new thing. I was always eager for him to be around and this 
was the first time I was pushing him away. He pulled me lightly and sat 
me on my bed. He was the one that tucked me in. And as he placed his 
lips on my forehead, I could feel the tears slipping from the corner of 
my eyes. I wiped them as soon as he turned away from me. I thought he 
would leave but he didn’t. He laid down on top of the covers next to me 
and held my hand tight as I fell deeper and deeper into confusion. 

*** 

The first thing I noticed when I opened my eyes in the morning was that
he was not there anymore. He must have left after I fell asleep. I must 
have stayed in the same position the entire night as I could still see 
his shape imprinted on my bed spread. I sat up and rubbed my eyes just 
as my cell phone rang loudly, breaking the silence of the morning. 

“You can’t skip two days in a row,” Shane’s voice warned me on the other
line. Despite what I was feeling, I chuckled. “I can if I wanted to,” I 
teased. There was laughing and we came to a dead silence. There was a 
first time for everything. “So did you go yesterday?” I asked to fill 
in the gaps. 

“No,” he admitted. “Driving that long really makes me exhausted!” 

“Excuse me? Who’s the one driving?” I exclaimed. 

“Yeah sure, take all the credit. Actually I was wondering if you want to
grab brunch before we start our shift today,” he invited. I took a peek 
at the clock and it was almost eleven. Groaning, I got out of bed, me 
cell phone still stuck to me ear. “Is it eleven already? Can I don’t go 
today?” I moaned. 

“Not a chance,” he replied. “You don’t want me to work alone with your
favorite partner.” 

“You mean the geek? I thought he was your favorite partner.” 

“He’s my second favorite,” Shane hinted and I blushed. It had been
occurring quite a couple of times over the course of two days. “Are you 
up for it?” he asked again. 

“Sure,” I agreed. “Where?” 

“Pancake House in one hour. Don’t be late, Rhian,” he said and we hung
up after we said our goodbyes. Instead of running straight to take a 
long shower, I sat on the place where He had sat on the night before. I 
stared into the oval mirror, picturing his face. And I took my cell 
phone and made another call. An important one. 

*** 

There were certain points in life when you met someone exceptionally
fantastic and for the next couple of weeks or months or years, your 
plans always ended up with that person being in it. And after that, you 
could not think of a time when that person wasn’t around. 

Shane was one of the people. I had only known him at the beginning of
the summer and yet, wherever I went to, I would end up bumping into him 
and we would spend some time together. Even if it was at the beach, the 
mall or at the disco. Maybe I could say that Blu Creek was a small 
place but before I got to know him, bumping into him was a rare 
occurrence. Sure I would catch a glimpse of him once in a few weeks but 
now, it was like if I never see him for a day, and it just wouldn’t 
feel right. 

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon and I was sunbathing with a friend of
mine from school, Hailey Calhum. From time to time, Hailey and I would 
hang out together but we were never tight as she was really close to 
her boyfriend which was also her best friend. 

“So, how’s Richard?” I asked as the rays of the sun hit my skin. Richard
Dunwood was her boyfriend and best friend. 

“Away,” she groaned and slipped on a pair of shades. “He should be
lining up to get on the roller coaster right now. He’s in Florida.” 

“I thought your family knew each other, so why weren’t you invited on
this trip?” 

She groaned again and I could see how much she missed him. Which was not
very surprising as those two spent almost every living moment together. 
“I was but my family’s driving up to Dallas tomorrow for my Nana’s 
party. I can’t skip her birthday.” 

I lower my shades when I saw a familiar figure striding up towards both
of us. “That’s a long way. Your first time separating for a long period 
of time?” Hailey sighed. “Yeah.” 

“But I thought he had tennis camp during previous summers,” I pointed
out. 

“Still, I went with him cos the girl’s tennis camp was across the lake
from his. We used to sneak out and meet each other every night,” she 
grinned. Did I mention that the two of the played tennis? Talk about 
meant for each other. “Hey Hailey. Hey Rhian,” Shane greeted, sitting 
next to our blankets. 

“Hey Shane,” Hailey greeted sleepily. 

“You can’t stay away from me, can’t you?” Shane teased me and I stuck my
tongue out at him. 

“I think it’s the other way round, mister. How on earth could you spot
me when the place is filled with five hundred other teenagers?” I 
exaggerated. 

“Easy, you’re hanging out with one of the hottest girls on the beach. I
just followed my hot chick radar,” he answered and Hailey scoffed. 
“Nice, Bryant. Why don’t you just admit it’s the person lying next to 
me that you have the hots for?” I paled instantly and was glad that my 
shades were hiding up almost half of my face. Shane, being the cool guy 
he was just laughed Hailey’s retort off. “I don’t go for girls who are 
taken, right Rhian?” 

“Umm, yeah,” I replied certainly. 

“Hey, all’s fair in love and war,” Hailey got back. That girl was really
shooting her mouth. 

“Does that mean I can ask you out, Hailey Calhum?” he joked and I
laughed along with him. “You can try, Bryant. But I can’t guarantee 
that you’ll like the response,” she murmured. 

“Try it, Shane. You might get lucky,” I encouraged him. Before Shane
could answer, someone stepped in to save Hailey. 

“You can try, Bryant,” the person repeated. “But the result would be
catastrophe.” Hailey slipped off her shades and shrieked in delight. 
“Richard!! What are you doing here?” She threw her arms around me and 
he twirled her around. “We cut our trip short cos Mum caught some 
virus,” he explained as he planted her firmly back on the ground, 
although they still did not release each other. And right in front of 
us, they gave us a public display of affection and Shane and I hooted 
and flung sand at them. “Does that mean you’ll come with us tomorrow?” 
Hailey inquired. Richard nodded and she floated deliriously back into 
his arms. 

“We lost them,” Shane declared, nudging me. I sighed in agreement as I
took a peek at Hailey. She was sitting next to Richard and both of them 
only had eyes for each other, as though the rest of the world around 
them had disappeared. The way they were feeling about each other gave 
me a bad feeling of dread. I wished I could be how Hailey was because 
for the past few days, my eyes had been wandering to someone else. To 
someone whom I had no business to look at in that kind of way. “Earth 
to Rhian!” Shane hollered into my face. I bounced out of my thoughts 
and narrowed my eyes at him. “What?” 

“I asked you if you wanted to go in for a swim and you just ignored me,”
he said, pretending to be offended. 

“I was thinking,” I snapped. “Maybe you should try it sometimes.” 

Shane made a face. “Ha-ha. Cute. So do you?” 

“Do I what?” I asked. 

He touched my forehead, trying to check if I was having a fever and his
touch made my temperature shot up a hundred degrees higher. “What’s 
wrong with you today? Why so spacey?” I got up and rubbed the sand from 
my thighs. “Come on, let’s go.” I offered him a hand to pull him up. 

“Last one in the water is a rotten tomato,” he yelled cheekily and went
off running. I grinned and chased after him as though it was an actual 
race. I managed to grab his arms and pulled him back so I could be in 
the lead but he tumbled backwards instead, crashing directly into me. 
The next few seconds happened so quickly until I couldn’t see for 
myself what was going on. I fell along with him and we landed on the 
soft sand with him on top of me, his good arm propped up against my 
side. And I was staring into his gray eyes, and we both knew that the 
entire beach population was staring at us, waiting to see what it would 
lead to. 

“Kiss her, Bryant!” Someone encouraged him and I got a sneaky feeling
that it was someone from his football team. “Don’t let the opportunity 
slip away!” Shouted another. My heart was beating as hard as it was 
when I kissed Him for the first time. Him. I could not afford to get 
caught in the moment. Shane, being the perfect gentleman he was, stood 
up and pulled me up. We got jeered by the people watching and I blushed 
lobster red. “Nothing to see anymore people!” Shane shouted at them 
good-naturedly. 

“Thanks for tripping me up,” I muttered at him. He chuckled and headed
into the water. “Hey! We still have not finished the race!” he reminded 
me. “Last one to the buoy is the rotten tomato!” He dove into the surf 
and began swimming away. I gulped, thinking of how close I was to 
getting carried away. I should be more guarded whenever I was around 
him as I could be losing control of my conscious. But right now, I had 
a race to win. 

*** 

“Do you ever think about what will happen ten years from now?” I asked
him as we watched the waves slapping onto the shore. 

“Like what our world is going to be like? Robot cities and all?” he
teased me and reached for my hand. As our palms fitted together, I 
thought about how it was just a few weeks ago when I was marveling at 
how well we complemented each other. My brains were so straight then 
but now, there were some questions in my mind. Questions that were 
better left unanswered. “You know what I mean. What do you think our 
lives will be like?” I asked him. 

“I know that you’ll do great things with your life,” he said after a few
minutes of thinking. 

“What about you? What do you think you’ll do?” 

“I’ll be at a place reading about your successful life,” he replied. 

I gazed into his eyes. “Do you think we’ll still be together?”  He
stared back at me and I found the answer. “We will if you want us to,” 
he said simply and I had to turn away from him. How could he be so sure 
with that answer? He himself should figure out how unpredictable life 
was. So how could answer that so confidently? “How can you be so sure 
of it?” I questioned him. 

“It’s not about being sure,” he said. “Right now, that’s all I wanted it
to be.” 

“But things change,” I hesitated. 

“I know that. But if we can make our relationship work to fit those
changes, there’s no harm in thinking that things will work out for the 
best, Rhian.” 

He could always find the right answer to my questions. He rested his
chin on top of my head. “You mean like when I moved here? How we made 
it work?” 

“You read my mind,” he murmured into my hair. “What’s with all the
questions?” 

“I don’t know,” I lied. I had made up my mind. It was not worth
jeopardizing my relationship with him over a small crush. “Where do you 
think we’ll live if we are together?” 

“I want to get you back to New York,” he admitted. “You’ve gotten so
much tamer when you moved here.” 

I gasped even though I knew what he meant. “I thought it was much more
refreshing.” 

“It was but I missed the wild girl that I gotten so used to,” he joked. 

“You want the police cars back?” He shook his head and rubbed the back
of my neck. “If I could have my way, I want everything back,” he told 
me. “But I’ve made my peace.” I ruffled his hair and grinned at him. 
“We could do something tonight,” I breathed. “If you could come up with 
one.” He gave me a dazzling smile of his that he seldom showed to 
anyone. “I had been working on something,” he revealed.  “How about we 
raid some people’s trash?” 

*** 

I felt more alive than ever. Even though I stayed up the entire night
going through other people’s garbage, sharing treasures that I found 
with him and only had three hours of sleep, I was energized by the time 
I woke up. It had been a year since I did anything that gave me so much 
adrenaline. The adrenaline had probably not worn off yet as I found 
myself heading towards the town’s bakery, Little Bread Shop, to pick up 
a couple of donuts before heading towards the Town Square to meet up 
with some of my friends from school. The Town Square was situated right 
in the middle of Main Street thus it had a great view of what was going 
on around Blu Creek. The square was filled with picnic tables and lots 
of trees to provide shade, especially during summer. 

“Hey,” I greeted and slid onto the bench. “What are you guys talking
about?” 

“The trip we are taking,” Caitlin Walker declared. Like the other two,
she was from one of my classes at school and I usually had lunch with 
them if I weren’t with the cheerleaders. The three of them were tight 
friends who shared the exact same hobbies. “Sounds like fun. Where are 
you heading?” I inquired as I passed around the donuts. 

“We’re not sure yet but New York sounds like fun,” Sarah Parker replied.
“Hey Rhian, you should come and show us around that place.” Gina Davis 
nodded in agreement. “Totally, you can bring us to the best parties and 
all that.” 

“Nah, I don’t want to butt in on you guys,” I answered although there
was another reason as to why I don’t want to go back to New York. “You 
three should go and have some fun there.” 

“I don’t want to go to New York,” Caitlin moaned. “I want to go to a
beach party. We should go to Miami!” The other two was excited about 
the idea. 

“Miami’s should be great for you guys,” I encouraged. “So, when are you
going?” 

“Not until the beginning of August,” Gina supplied. “But we called you
here not to talk about the trip.” I sneaked a suspicious look at her. 
“Then what do you want to talk about?” 

“There’s something we really need to know,” Sarah added. “It’s about a
guy.” I had some suspicion that something like this would be coming up. 


“What’s going on with you and Shane Bryant?” Caitlin demanded to know. 

“Nothing!” I insisted, probably way too hard. 

“Come on, spill! A friend of a friend was at the beach and she saw
everything!” Gina gushed. “It seems kind of intense.” I scowled in 
disbelief. There was a lot more going on in Blu Creek that was way more 
exciting than my little incident at the beach with Shane. “Guys, stop. 
There’s really nothing juicy to share.” 

“Right, Sanders. What about you having to spend almost every day with
him at the hospital? Sparks have got to fly,” Caitlin declared. “Plus, 
he’s hard to resist.” The three of them began listing his good points 
and I rolled my eyes with every passing point. “I really did not come 
here to talk about Shane Bryant,” I said. “Come on, catch me up with 
what’s going on with you three.” 

It was a normal morning with the three of them, like I was spending
lunch period. In between the three of them, they had the town’s gossip 
covered. One thing was for sure, tongues were wagging about me and 
Shane and I had to pretend that it did not bother me at all cos there 
really was nothing going on between us. 

*** 

“Sanders, you know what I’ve heard?” Shane asked at his first sight on
me. 

“What did you hear?” 

He grinned mischievously. “I’ll tell you later after the shift.” And
with just that, he got me curios throughout the entire afternoon. 
Whenever I caught his eye, he would flash me this smirk that made me 
want to slap him right across the face. 

“Come on! Tell me what it is already,” I pleaded as soon as I changed
out of the uniform. 

“People thinks we are the new hot couple in town,” he revealed and
guffawed. “Isn’t that a riot?” I walked in step next to him. “I know! 
How ridiculous is that? Just because they see us around town together 
couple of times and now we are a couple?” 

“Hey,” he said, pretending to be hurt. “You could do so much worst.” 

I punched him lightly on his arm. “You know what I mean. What should we
do about it?” 

“We could give them what they want,” he disturbed, wriggling his
eyebrows. I scoffed at his joke. “I was thinking more to not. We should 
do some damage control.” 

He draped his arm around my shoulders. “Relax, Rhian. It’s just gossip.
Who cares about it? We know that it’s not true.” I nodded in agreement. 
“You’re right. I guess I just got caught up with it. You know, the 
girl’s talk and all. It’s kind of pressurizing.” 

“And you don’t think I’m being pressurized? The guys been asking whether
I’ve scored.” I sneered at the thought. Weren’t guys capable of 
thinking about something else other than sex? “Don’t worry, Rhian. I’ve 
straightened things out with my friends. But if you changed your mind, 
you know where to find me,” he joked and ran across the street where 
his friends were waiting for him in a truck. I watched them gave their 
well-known greeting which was to knock their fists against another and 
he waved goodbye at me. I waved back and headed back home, wondering if 
He would come by tonight. 

*** 

He was in the process of undoing the button of my blouse when the phone
of on my night stand rang. He got up and I reached for the phone. 
“Hello?” I answered, almost out of breath. 

“Rhian? It’s Cal.” Her voice sounded low and I knew that I was in for a
long conversation, thus putting my plans on hold. I shrugged at him and 
he slipped back on his black T-shirt. “Hi, Cal. What’s up?” 

“Everything, Rhian. It’s all so bad,” she whined. Something happened
with her and Derryck? “What is it?” 

“It’s all over,” she sobbed back. “I ruined everything. I can’t even
face myself right now.” Her cries got me alert and I sat up straight. 
“What’s the matter? What happened? Why are you crying?” I was firing 
questions like the speed of a bullet. 

“We broke up,” she cried. “I caught him in bed with another girl.” 

“Oh god,” I muttered. 

“And he did in my own house!” she flared. “Here! In my apartment he
brought that slut back and had sex with her in my bed!” She was crying 
so badly that I could hardly comprehend what she said. He was tilting 
his head, asking me what was happening but I shook mine to tell him 
that the situation was bad. “It’s all my fault. I trusted him 
completely and look at what he did! I’m so stupid. And I ruined 
everything with Dad. Now I’ve got nothing left.” I sighed 
sympathetically. I did not know what to say. I was never good at 
consoling people. That was Calista’s job. I had the urge to shove the 
phone to him so that he give her some advice. “Forget about him, Cal. 
He’s a jerk. He shouldn’t have done what he did. Come back here, spend 
the rest of the summer here. You’ll forget about him as soon as school 
starts,” I said confidently. I could enlist the help of all the girls I 
knew in town to party up a storm for her. “That’s the thing, I can’t,” 
she confided. “I gave all my money away to fund for his band’s 
instruments.” 

“You did what?!?” I shrieked loudly until He had to cover his ears.
“Cal, what have you done?” Her own personal savings were bloody huge, 
probably up to ten thousand. She saved it from the allowance that Dad 
had given her. Both of our allowances were pretty generous thanks to 
Dad’s deep pocket. “I can’t get it back, Rhian. I gave the money to him 
willingly. I’m such a fool.” 

“I’ll transfer some money to you,” I told her. “You just get back here.
We’ll talk and you’ll make it up with Dad. He’ll understand about the 
whole thing.” 

“I’m too embarrassed to talk to him, Cal. I was so horrid the other day.
I can’t face him now,” she confessed. “My life is ruined. I feel so 
dirty.” 

“Don’t say that. I’ll transfer the money right now. Just come home.” She
agreed and I hung up the phone. “Wow, that was intense,” he said and I 
crashed into him. “Tell me about it. She must be hurting real bad right 
now. Guys can be such jerks!” 

He coughed in protest. “Well, you’re not one of them,” I corrected.
“You’re the good kind.” He laughed. “Don’t we have someplace to go?” 

“The ATM machine,” I announced. “Ten thousand dollars. That’s a whole
lot of money. What was she thinking?” 

“She wasn’t thinking. She was in love then,” he stated. “And sometimes
it can make you do crazy things.” 

“I’m glad I wasn’t like that,” I said. 

He placed his lips on mine. “That’s because you have such a great
boyfriend,” he murmured sexily. 

*** 

“Stop it,” I giggled as he nuzzled my neck. I was standing in front of
the ATM trying to transfer the money to Calista for the past twenty 
minutes but each time I tried to insert my card into the slot, I failed 
and ended up making out with him instead. “She’s waiting,” I argued 
miserably and wrapped my arms around his neck, our lips meeting. 

“Go ahead,” he challenged me. “I’m not stopping you.” My back was
pressed against the machine and it was a good thing that no one was 
around. “But you are making me lose concentration,” I retorted. 

“Come on, it’s an advanced machinery. How much effort do you need to
work it?” I rolled my eyes and pushed him at an arm’s length. “I’m 
inserting the card already,” I announced to him and proceeded with the 
transaction. It took quite a while as I had to scroll through my cell 
phone to search for Calista’ account number. 

I felt a hand placed on my shoulder. Without thinking, I said, “I told
you to wait. It’ll be over in a minute and we can get back to making 
out.” 

“We were?” A deep voice replied and I swirled around to find myself 
staring into the buffed muscles on Shane’s chest. “Oh!” I shrieked in 
surprise. “It’s you.” 

“Who were you talking to?” he inquired cheekily. 

“My boyfriend,” I brushed him off. He lifted an eyebrow questioningly.
“Where is he?” He looked over his shoulders but the street was 
deserted. 

“Actually, I don’t know,” I replied, a little confused myself as to
where He was. “He was here a minute ago. What are you doing here?” 

Shane shrugged and I couldn’t help noticing how tight his muscles were.
What would it feel like to stroke them? I shook that disloyal thought 
off my head. “I was jogging,” he answered. 

“At four in the morning?” His broken arm was still in cast and he was
exercising already? “I couldn’t sleep the entire night,” he revealed. 
“Lots of things in my head.” 

“Me too,” I agreed. “But for a different reason.” We were silent for a
while. “I guess I better get on with my jog,” he said and stuck back 
the earpiece of his mp3 into his ears. “See you on Monday?” I nodded 
and he jogged away. And I had a boyfriend to find. 

*** 

“Where did you go?” Dad’s voice boomed as I passed the den. Was he
talking to me? Taking concern? I stepped into the den warily. A bottle 
of gin was sitting on the coffee table and it was almost empty. Dad 
also had a glass in his hand. “I went to meet a friend,” I lied. “I’m 
going to bed now.” 

“Rhian, don’t,” he stopped me. “Sit.” 

“What do you want?” I asked right out. Never had he made any small
conversations with me. 

“I want to talk to you.” 

“About what?” For my whole life I was waiting for this moment. The
moment where he would confide in me. And the moment had arrived. So why 
was I pushing him away? “About you. And me,” he said. 

“You drunk,” I stated. 

“Rhian, I’m not,” he replied. I couldn’t see if he was telling the truth
as the den was shadowy. He placed his hand on mine and I pulled away as 
though his touch would burn me. “What is it that you want Dad? You want 
to talk to me? Why? Because your wonder child won’t talk to you 
anymore?” I snapped. 

He stood up, towering over me. “Rhian, that’s not true.” 

“Is it? Are you lying out right to me? And to yourself? Why now? Why do
you only want to talk to me after Calista dumped you?” I yelled again. 
“I’m used to living life without you for seventeen years, Dad. I 
created a life for myself without you around. And I’m not going to 
change it.” I stomped out of the den and up to my room where I found 
Him waiting for me. 

“I heard everything,” he said. “Come here.” He held out his arms open
and I rushed into them so that he could comfort me. “This is the worst 
thing he had done to me,” I declared as I cried. He did not say a 
thing. He had been with me long enough to know when I needed to hear 
soothing words and when I need him to just stay with me and be quiet. 
“I hate him,” I muttered. “I hate him a lot. He’s been ignoring me ever 
since I was born and he thinks it is that easy to make up for all 
that?” 

“There, there,” he cooed. I didn’t realize that I had cried for hours
until the first rays of the sun peeped into my window. “Good morning,” 
he whispered and smiled slightly. 

“You have to get going don’t you?” I asked, dabbing my swollen red eyes.


“Yeah, but I’ll see you tonight?” I nodded. 

“Get some sleep, sweetheart.” He kissed me lightly on my lips and tucked
my chin. “It’ll be better after you wake up so sleep it off. I love 
you.” 

“Love you too,” I whispered. 

***  Chapter 7: Why Do You Think It’s Going To Be Fine? 

“Why aren’t you on the next plane out of Rhode Island?” I demanded as
soon as Calista answered her cell phone. “I thought you said you want 
to come home!” She shushed me and seemed to be giggling at somebody. 
“Calista!” I called her. “I want an explanation.” I heard her telling 
someone to stop and she was back on the line. “Rhian, I’m not coming 
home,” she informed me. 

“What?!?” I shrieked. “Then why did I transfer all that money to you?!?”


“Derryck came over after we hung up the phone and he apologised,” she
said dreamily. “It was all a big misunderstanding.” 

“Is he there?” 

“Nope, he went out to get more beer. But he’s been constantly
apologizing to me, buying me flowers, treating me like a queen for the 
past few days. I got to give him a chance,” she pointed out. I was 
fuming mad. He was playing her! “He slept with someone else Calista 
Hart. How stupid can you get?” 

“He did not sleep with the girl. I kind of exaggerated when I told you
all about it. The truth was I found him kissing her on the couch when I 
got home,” she explained. 

“And that really makes thing better doesn’t it?” I said sarcastically.
“You’re insane. He cheated on you and you’re about to forgive him. What 
about all your money?!?” She sighed loudly over at the other end. “He’s 
going to pay me back some of it. He had a gig tomorrow night at this 
fabulous club. It’ll be great. You should be here.” 

“Over my dead body,” I cursed. “You’re an idiot if you even think of
going back to him.” 

“People make mistakes, Rhian,” she insisted. “And he promised he won’t
do it again so I’m giving him a second chance. Every one slips up at 
one point of time.” I slapped my forehead in disgust and hung up the 
phone. What kind of spell had that guy put on her that she forgave him 
immediately the second he came begging? I groaned and flopped onto my 
bed. Things had been crazy lately with Dad coming to his senses and 
deciding to start talking to me, Calista being extremely un-Calista and 
my growing adoration for Shane. If there was a perfect time to go 
crazy, this would be one. I dozed off after a few moments and when I 
opened my eyes to change out of my jeans, I saw him sitting on my bed, 
his back resting against the headboard and he was watching me. “Hey 
you,” I whispered as he leaned down to place a kiss on my lips. 

“Hey there yourself,” he said. “You tired?” 

“Yeah, mentally,” I replied, sitting up next to him. “She’s staying in
Rhode Island.” He nodded as though he had expected it. “She was over 
reacting the other night. She might have said things that she never 
meant to.” “But he cheated on her,” I argued. He ran his hand up and 
down my arm. “Hey, she’s in love. You forgive the person you love if he 
or she slips up,” he said. “It makes you do crazy things.” 

“But if he is really in love with her, he wouldn’t think of cheating on
her,” I pouted. 

“People make mistakes.” 

“That’s what Calista said just now.” I rested my head on his shoulders.
“What if one of us slips up?” 

He looked at me questioningly. “Why are you asking?” I pulled my eyes
away from his. I nearly slipped up one time and if he was staring at 
me, he could see that I had nearly committed something bad. “I don’t 
know. Like you said, it could happen. So what if it happens to us? Do 
you think we’ll be able to continue like this?” 

“I don’t know, Rhian,” he answered truthfully. “All I know that it will
kill me to see you with somebody else.” 

“Likewise,” I agreed. “But it can happen, right?” 

“Then we have to see the situation,” he sighed. 

“What do you mean?” He slipped his fingers through mine, squeezing my
hand and I could feel how cold his hand was. This was a dangerous topic 
to tread on. “Hypothetically, what if I cheated on you?” I asked. I 
needed to know. 

“Then it depends on whether you still want to be with me or not,” he
told me bitterly. Even talking about it was hurting him. Hurting us. As 
though it was actually happening. “And if you still want to be with me, 
I will have to try to find it in my heart to forgive you. No matter 
what. I mean, it’s you. How can I not be with you?” I fixed my eyes on 
our interlocking fingers and I recalled of how tightly he held that 
hand when we were running away from danger. And I saw that no matter 
what, he would be the only one who would and could go through with me 
the shit that happened, and still be deeply in love with me. “I hope 
that won’t happen to us,” I prayed. “Cos I know we’ll both be burnt.” 

“Let’s hope so,” he said along and placed my hand to his lips. Which
other guy would be willing to sit with me throughout the entire night, 
just talking and at times, keeping so quiet until we could hear our 
hearts beating as one? No other guy. Definitely not Shane Bryant. He 
was just a crush, a physical attraction. Nothing else. I did not even 
know how he was like on the inside although on the outside, he was 
flawless. Well, except for his broken arm. 

“Hey,” I called softly to him. He cocked his head to one side to look at
me. “I love you,” I said. 

“I know you do,” he answered and smiled sadly. 

*** 

I was on my way to the kitchen to have my specially prepared lunch when
I bumped into Dad. He was looking the worst he had ever been and it 
seemed that he had forgotten what a razor was. In fact, in his 
condition, I wished he would stay away from the razor in case he had 
ideas of taking his own life. I was going to just walk past him and 
continued to the kitchen like we always did when we passed each other 
in the house but he placed a hand on my arm. This time round, I did not 
pull my arm away. 

“Rhian, we have to talk sometime,” he pleaded. 

“Dad, we have not been talking ever since I was born,” I told him.
“There’s no reason start now. Let’s just continue the charade we had 
for the past years so that both of us won’t feel awkward.” He studied 
me, probably wondering in what way he had done wrong in raising me up 
and if he asked, I could answer him easily. He had never abandoned his 
fatherly duties but emotionally, his actions had scarred me. And the 
wound could not be healed easily. “I know I was wrong but I wanted to 
make it up to you,” he said earnestly. 

“And how are you going to do that? Are you going to send Calista to a
summer camp that lasts for three months while you take me to Florida’s 
Disneyland, Paris’s Eiffel Tower, Rome’s Coliseum and the other places 
that you took Calista during the last seventeen years?” I hissed. I 
would not cry in front of him. That would make me lose my pride and 
dignity. “I’ll tell you something Dad. Just because your other daughter 
dumps you, that does not mean you have me as a spare. I’m not some kind 
of wheel that you just chuck into the boot and ignore it until one of 
the ones that you were using became flat and you have to replace it 
with the spare one.” I lifted my chin arrogantly and proceeded to the 
kitchen. I knew the servant could hear every single word I said to him 
but I did not care. I couldn’t care less. Let him feel how it was like 
to be the one who was dumped. I had enough of that ever since I was 
born. 

I knew I was being extremely conceited and selfish but I had a right to
act that way. He had been ignoring me and paying attention only to 
Calista! I remembered exactly the summer when I turned ten. I was 
chucked to a summer camp that was really horrible and I only returned 
home the day before school began in September. And I found out from 
Calista that she had been traveling the world with Dad, going to places 
that I had yearned to see. Was it so difficult for him to bring along 
his other daughter? Instead he told Calista that he had put me up in 
the camp to build my character. The only reason he sent me there was so 
he did not have to see my face and his time could be devoted to his 
beloved daughter. 

All I knew was I never had any parents from the time I was young. And I
was fine with that. 

*** 

The only way for me to put a little distance between me and Shane was
for me to quit from the volunteering program. That way, I wouldn’t be 
spending every single weekday with him. Didn’t I hate that thing in the 
first place? The reason that I stuck around was that he made it all so 
enjoying and now it was too enjoyable that I rushed each morning so 
that I could spend that precious hours with him. 

He was there when I came to hand in my withdrawal form. “Why quit?” he
asked. 

“Why not? It’s really tiring and boring,” I lied. “Now I get more time
to spend with my friends. And the summer is passing by so quickly that 
I did not want to waste any more time in this place,” I went on. He was 
looking at me all weird as though he could not belief that all these 
words were coming out of my mouth. “Summer job?” he tried to guess. I 
shook my head. “No, I’m sick of this thing. It’s time for me to try 
other things anyway.” He shrugged disappointedly. “I guess I still had 
not figured you out. I thought you were growing to like helping over 
here but.....”He shook his head as though to say ‘never mind’. He 
walked away and I wanted to shout at him the truth. That it was hard to 
be around him any longer without having to pounce on him. That I was 
crazily attracted to him. 

It made me sad to see how let down he was with my decision to quit. But
I had to put some space in between us. If not, I would have to make a 
tougher decision down the road. 

***  Chapter 8: Why Are They Messing With My Head? 

“I guess I could tell you what I’ve been planning for a while since
you’ve quit,” he told me as we sat under the tree, listening to the 
sounds of the nightlife. 

“What have you been planning?” I asked. He was lying on my lap and I was
playing with his dark chocolate hair. For a while, I thought I had 
memorized every single thing about him. That there were no new things 
that I could discover about him. And that made me feel safe. But each 
time, I was proven wrong when I saw something about him that I had 
never noticed of. Tonight, as we were under the stars and me running my 
fingers through his hair, I found that it was actually wavy and not as 
straight as I thought he was. He had given up styling his hair into 
different styles and he had let it free and the curls were something I 
had never thought of before. His hair had also grown longer, reaching 
up to the back of the collar of his leather jacket. He had to cut it 
soon but I kind of like the longish waves that I was twirling a finger 
around. He enjoyed me doing that and he could doze off at times, 
leaving me talking to myself. In fact, at this moment, his eyes were 
half closed and he was drifting. He had not even told me about the plan 
that he had thought about. 

Impulsively, I leaned down and bit the tip of his nose. He opened his
beautiful sexy eyes and the corners of his lips lifted, shining up his 
handsome features. “What is it that you have been planning?” I asked 
again and he reached up for a kiss first. 

“I was thinking if you want to go on a small road trip,” he suggested. 

“That sounded fun. But where?” I inquired. 

“No where,” he told me. “We’ll just drive and drop by places we feel
like visiting.” 

“Haven’t you watched The Hills Have Eyes? I don’t want to stop at a
ghost town and get killed by freaks,” I teased him. He rolled his eyes 
and poked me at my sides, tickling me. “I’ll protect you,” he promised. 
“I won’t even let a fly land on you.” I raised an eyebrow doubtfully. 
“I don’t think you can be strong enough to take on the entire town.” 

“Don’t worry, we’ll run together,” he murmured, falling back to sleep
again. 

“I know you will,” I whispered and I watched him sleep, his face
peaceful with a tint of glee on his lips. I wondered what he was 
dreaming about and if he was dreaming about me. I traced the line from 
his ear to his jaws lightly so that I wouldn’t wake him up. For how 
long would we be like this? I rubbed my hands across his lips, the lips 
which could drive me insanely hot at its touch. His face was so perfect 
that I felt as though I was staring at a statue of a Greek god. 

And I thought of the tomorrow that would come soon. Who could break us? 

*** 

“Hi,” a guy wearing his college sweatshirt greeted me and sat down to
the empty stool next to where I was seating. “Can I buy you a drink?” 
He and I were on our fourth day of the road trip as we explored unknown 
towns and shopped for things that we thought were peculiar and at 
night, we embraced each other so tight before we fell asleep. It was 
quite a long time ago when we had spent this much time together and I 
was treasuring every single minute of it. We had hit clubs and we 
shared drinks that we had never tried before. We ate at truck stops 
where they sold disgustingly greasy food and competed with each other 
to see who could finish the jumbo burger first. And of course he won. 
He was a guy, need I explain more? 

“Sorry, but I’m here with my boyfriend,” I explained. 

The college guy grinned. “Where’s he?” 

“He went to the restroom but he’ll be back in a moment,” I said further.
“Thanks for the offer anyway.” 

He came back a few minutes later. “Ready to go?” he asked, dropping a
couple of bills on the counter. “You lost just now so I’m ready for my 
reward,” he added meaningfully and I knew what he was thinking of. It 
had something to do with us not having any clothes on. I got up and I 
saw the college guy staring at me. He was looking extremely suspicious 
and curios at the same time but I waved goodbye at him and wrapped my 
arm around my boyfriend. 

*** 

“Can I just say that you look really hot?” a guy said as he came up to
me in a night club. “Would you like to dance?” 

“Thanks, but I’m here with someone,” I said, searching the club to find
Him. He was gone a couple of minutes to check on something. 

“Oh, sorry. My loss,” the guy shrugged and scooted off. Only when the
guy left did He came back. 

“Did I miss anything?” He asked. 

“Oh, nothing that will interest you,” I yawned. 

*** 

“Nice tan,” an extremely cute guy complimented me as I suntanned on the
beach. 

“Thanks.” 

“I’m Carl. You are?” Carl inquired. “And if you add your number, I can
invite you to dinner tonight.” 

I motioned to His blanket lying next to me. “I’m with my boyfriend. He
went to get ice cream.” Carl took a step back apologetically. “Sorry 
about that. I thought you were alone.” 

“Not a problem,” I replied and closed my eyes. 

“Dude, what happened?” I heard his friend asked him. 

“She says she’s with her boyfriend,” Carl answered. 

“But she’s been alone for the past hour,” his friend said again and my
eyes snapped open. “I know,” Carl agreed. “She could just tell me she 
wanted me to buzz off. What a loser!” They had to be kidding. I was 
with Him only five minutes ago and they said I was alone for the entire 
hour? They had to be kidding. I was with Him. He went to get ice cream. 


When he came back, he was carrying two dripping cones of chocolate ice
cream. “They were out of strawberry,” he informed me apologetically. 
“What was wrong?” he asked when he saw my fuming face. 

“Some guy came up and asked for my number and I told him I was with you
but he insisted I was making it up,” I complained. “How low could 
people get?” He did not say anything although I wanted him to. I wanted 
him to convince me that the guy was just crazy and was making up things 
but he did not. He just kept silent and I had a feeling that our 
unplanned road trip would end soon. 

*** 

Things gotten even sour when I reached home. Dad was waiting for me at
the bottom of the stairs, reminding me of times when Calista reached 
home late and Dad was going to blow up at her for making him worried. 
“Where were you?” Dad asked. 

“Sorry but I’m not Calista for you to boss around,” I spat and walked
around him to my room with my stupid heavy bag to lug. 

“Rhian, stop acting this way,” he begged. 

“I’ve been this way since I was young. It’s hard to change old habits,”
I stated. “I want to rest.” I shut the door in his face and flung my 
bag across the room. He had kept quiet the entire time we returned to 
Blu Creek and he would not tell me why. I was frustrated at him. What 
had gone wrong? It was just crazy, crazy, and crazy. He better had a 
good excuse for the silent treatment. I sat on the bed and faced the 
window, willing him silently to appear and explain the situation that 
was going on. He could clear this all up with a simple explanation. He 
could assure me that everything would be alright. That it was back to 
normal. 

The leaves of the tree outside my room began to rustle. A light breeze
flew into my room, my curtains floating along with the wind. I was 
holding my breath, anticipating for him to come into view. I was sure 
that he was down there, manipulating his way up to my room. I stood up 
and turned away from my window, afraid that I would disappoint myself. 
I fiddled with the sleeve of my shirt, transferring my eagerness to 
another medium. I could sense the moment he entered my room. His scent 
that I adored so much filled my area and I couldn’t stop the corners of 
my mouth from tugging. 

I turned to see him standing in front of my window, his face pale and
dreary. His condition was a far cry from the guy that I had dropped off 
just over an hour ago. His eyes were bloodshot and his clothes soiled 
with...Was that blood? “Rhian, there’s something I need to tell you,” 
he began. 

“Tell me what?” I asked, taking a step towards him but he reared away
from me, not wanting me to get any closer than I already was. 

“I’m sorry, darling,” he apologised. 

I reached out for his hand but he stuffed his hands into the pocket of
his leather jacket. He shook his head, begging me to leave him as he 
was. “Sorry for what?” I pumped. 

“I’m really sorry,” he repeated and his eyes were brimming with tears.
“I have to tell you. I don’t want you to find out from someone else.” 
He was trying hard not to cry. He had never cried in front of me. I 
couldn’t handle it if he broke down. I would crumble along with him. 
Seeing him in this condition was too much for me; I began sobbing. “I’m 
really sorry,” he repeated. 

“Tell me! Tell me what’s wrong?!?” I demanded from him. 

Dad must have been standing outside my door for the entire time because
as soon as he heard me shouting, my door started banging. “Rhian, open 
up!” Dad yelled. My gaze averted from the door to where he stood 
rooted. He was staring at the door, expecting it to crash open. “I love 
you, you know that don’t you? Everything I did was because I love you 
so much,” he choked out. I did not know what to tell him. It was all so 
confusing. 

“What’s happening?!?” I asked him. Tears were slipping out of his eyes.
He never cried. He was the strong one in between us. But what did he 
have to tell me? “Tell me!” I demanded again. “Tell me, Trey!” I 
grabbed hold of his arms and shook him. “What’s wrong?!?” And before he 
could answer, Dad had opened the door of my room with the set of keys 
that he had kept for emergencies. He had never used that key before. 
Not here, not when we lived in Blu Creek. 

“Why were you shouting?” Dad questioned alarmingly. 

“Trey, you said you have to tell me something. Explain it to me. Don’t
just keep quiet. What’s wrong?” I raised my voice. 

“Calista, who are you talking to?” Dad asked. 

“Trey, just tell me. I’ll try to understand what you’re trying to
explain,” I begged him. I took hold of his hand which was extremely 
chilly. 

Dad face fell. First he was alarmed, then he was surprised, then his
face turned to shock. “Trey Conner?” he asked softly. I had no time for 
Dad. There was something that Trey had to tell me and I was dying to 
know what it was. “What is it Trey? Tell me,” I urged him, tugging at 
his arm. His eyes settled on me and shifted to Dad. Dad was looking 
incredulous. “Rhian, who are you talking to?” 

“Trey!” I shouted back, pointing a finger at Trey. Dad shook his head. 

I dug my fingernails into his arm. “Trey, don’t just keep quiet. Just
say what you want to say!” 

“Rhian,” Dad called me from the door. “There’s no one here.” Once Dad
said that, Trey vanished into thin air right in front of my eyes and I 
fainted as he disappeared. And I passed out. 

*** 

My eyelids felt very heavy as I tried to open it. I saw some light but
the images were blurry. I could hear the distinct sounds of a female 
whimpering. The decibels were hurting my head and I wanted to tell her 
to stop. Each sob were like rocks hitting me on the head. I moaned in 
pain and blinked a couple of times. The sobbing had morphed into gasps 
and there was a quick shout of excitement. What were they celebrating 
about? 

“Rhian! Rhian!” Calista called out my name, grasping my hand in hers.
“You’re awake!” she exclaimed, tears of joy streaming down her face. 
“Dad! She finally woke up!” Dad was standing right behind her. I was 
guessing that her conflict with Dad had already been resolved. There 
was a man in white coat standing at the foot of my bed. What was he 
doing here? “She’s going to be fine, sir,” the man in white assured 
Dad. “Call me if there’s anything wrong.” He and Dad shook hands 
briefly and I threw a questioning glance at Calista. She held up a 
hand, indicating for me to be patient for a while. Dad was walking the 
man in white to the front door of the house and seconds later, I could 
hear the front door shut and footsteps leading up to my bedroom. 

“Where’s Trey?” I asked both of them. “Did you call to tell him I
fainted?” Calista, who was sitting beside me on the bed, immediately 
stood up and glued herself next to Dad. She would not meet my gaze. 
“Rhian,” Dad whispered softly, sitting next to me and stroking my head. 
I cocked an eyebrow at him. What the hell did he think he was doing? I 
shoved his hand away and shifted to the middle of my queen sized bed so 
I was out of his reach. “You should get some rest,” he sighed and shook 
his head miserably. 

“I don’t want any rest,” I insisted. “Cal, pass me my cell. I need to
call him. He’ll be back in New York by now but he’ll come back here 
again.” Calista hesitated and looked down at her feet. “Cal,” I urged 
her. “Just pass me my cell.” 

“I think Dad’s right, Rhian,” she supposed. “Just get some sleep first.
You can call him later.” I crossed my arms in front of my chest 
furiously. I had just woken up from an extremely deep slumber and they 
were asking me to go to sleep again? Were they nuts? “What’s going on?” 
I raised my voice. “Why are you both acting all weird?” 

“Weird?” Calista squeaked. “What do you mean?” I narrowed my eyes at
her. “Firstly, Dad’s actually concerned about me when he had shown no 
interest in me ever since I was born. Secondly, you rushing back here 
when you proclaimed that you have made up with you-know-who. And 
thirdly, you and Dad acting as though you are both fine when you both 
are in a huge conflict,” I pointed out, counting them on my fingers. 
“Everything’s fine, Rhian. Dad and I talked through stuff. It’s all 
okay now,” she insisted a little too forcefully. 

“Everything’s not! Just tell me what happened! I’m not a baby!” I burst.
“First it’s Trey. Then now it’s the both of you!” I picked up a pillow 
and hurled it at their direction. “I want to speak to Trey!!” Dad must 
have lost his patience, as he picked up the pillow and flung it onto my 
bed. “Stop talking of Trey,” he hissed; his voice so frightening that I 
stopped throwing my tantrums for a minute. 

“Why shouldn’t I? He’s my boyfriend, for your information,” I supplied.
“But I don’t suppose you know that, don’t you? All you care about is 
Calista! I don’t mean a shit to you!” Calista was standing at a corner, 
numbed. Her face was pale and she hung her head sadly, her hair 
curtaining her face. I got up from bed and tried to make a dash for the 
door but Dad had probably guessed my move as he had me by the arms and 
pinned me back into my bed. “Rhian, control yourself!” he yelled and 
Calista joined in to help pin me onto the bed. 

“Let me go,” I struggled but their two strengths combined were too much
for me to handle. I gave in and went weak. “Why are you doing this to 
me?” I cried. “Just let me go and find him.” Calista was moving away 
from me and I saw her took out a syringe from my side table. As Dad was 
holding me down, he stared into my eyes. “Rhian, listen to me. I’m not 
trying to hurt you. Both of us, we love you a lot,” he growled. “Trey’s 
dead. He’s not alive anymore so you got to stop asking for him.” At 
once Calista pricked the needle into my arm and all I could remember 
were the vivid images of what happened in New York a year ago.  
Chapter 9: Why Can’t They See What I’m Seeing? 

I was sixteen and back at Manhattan. 

The school bell rang at three-thirty, signifying the end of the school
day. It was a few days before school closed for the summer thus going 
to school was a complete waste of time. Most of the teachers were 
prepping us, juniors, for the upcoming senior year and it was a huge 
bore so I was glad to get the hell out of school. Like most of the 
days, Trey was waiting for me right outside my school. His back was 
against the metal grate that fenced our school and as I strolled out, I 
took a minute to admire his back profile. On of his leg was resting up 
on brick wall that supported the fence and he looked so cool, standing 
there as though he had no care in the world. But when I saw him, his 
face revealed something else. His brows were furrowed and he looked as 
though he had not slept the entire night. 

“Hey,” he greeted me and gave me a peck on my cheek. I knew that some of
the girls walking out of the school were gaping enviously at me. How 
could they not? He was hot and he was everything a girl could ever want 
in a boyfriend. Most importantly, he was mine. And had been for the 
past two years. He had his sketchbook tucked under his other arm as he 
held my hand. I did not need to ask where we were heading. If there 
ever was the presence of the sketchbook, we would be going to the park 
and sitting at his favorite spot, the same place where I saw him two 
years ago. 

Even when he was drawing, he would keep up a stream of chatters with me.
This was a regular routine for us. Couple of times, I would watch as 
the pencil flew about the piece of paper, turning the plain page into a 
masterpiece. He had done portraits of me before, no matter how much I 
begged him not to. I was too self conscious. But never once had he let 
me kept a drawing of his. He told me it wasn’t much. He was not good 
enough. But he was and would always be a great artist to me. That day 
however, Trey did not say much. When I told him of my day at school, he 
mm-ed and nodded but he barely said more than five words. 

He had done with his picture now. Usually, he would draw the scenery or
a sketch of something he had watched on television but his picture this 
time round could only be described as disturbing. Purely disturbing. In 
the past, he had drawn a couple of sketches that were violent but none 
of them came close to frightening me the way his drawing was today. I 
stared at that piece of paper. There were so much details that I 
couldn’t understand. And he slammed the sketchbook shut before I could 
try and read his drawing. He never did ask about my opinions of his 
pictures. He did not need that. He drew out of pleasure; never to 
impress anybody. 

“Rhian, I’m in trouble,” he began softly. His eyes were bloodshot and he
impatiently pushed his hair away from his face. “I totally screw up,” 
he went on. I knew what he had done wrong and my lips trembled. No way, 
that could not happen. Not to us. We weren’t that unlucky. “How much?” 
I asked. 

“Too much,” he replied. “I got away but the stuff got confiscated. They
are looking for me. So are the police.” I leaned into him, tears 
dripping down my cheeks. “No, it can’t be,” I whispered in denial. “You 
can’t go.” 

“We had discussed it through before we even began. I have to,” he choked
out. 

“I never thought it will actually happened!” I snapped. “You can’t leave
me like this. I’ll go with you.” He shook his head stubbornly. “You 
can’t. It’s not safe.” 

“What if something happens to you?” I cried out. 

“What if something happens to you?” he asked me. “I can’t bear to see
anyone hurting you!” I bit my lower lip forcefully. By then, I was 
hiccupping. They would hunt him down no matter where he went. They 
would kill him! Why? Why were we so stupid to try it out? Why didn’t I 
stop him? It was almost dusk the joggers in Central Park were thinning 
by the minute. He stood up and brushed the grass of his jeans. He 
offered me his hand and pulled me up to him. “You have to stay with 
your Dad. He’ll protect you,” he told me and I nodded. I was a 
blubbering mess. My eyes were swollen and my nose began to run from all 
that crying. 

Trey walked me home. “I can’t believe that this might be the last time
we’re doing this,” he said sadly and I began to cry again. “Stay with 
me,” I begged. “I’ll ask Dad to pay them. He will help you.” He took 
hold of me by the sides of my arms. “No! They will never let me off! I 
need to get away from New York. Far away so that they won’t hurt you at 
all.” He placed his lips on mine and with so much intensity, we kissed 
each other as we might not know when we would meet again. “Rhian, I 
love you. You know that, don’t you?,” he asked me. Even though we had 
been dating for two years, he had never said those words to me. I 
yearned to hear those words from his lips but now, it was trivial 
compared to what we were about to face separately. “I love you too, 
Trey,” I whispered back. He held me close for a second and urged me to 
get into the lift that led up to my penthouse. “I won’t say goodbye cos 
I know I’ll see you again,” he said confidently. “Take care of 
yourself.” He turned and ran down the street, glancing back once to 
check if I had safely got onto the elevator. 

But my penthouse was the furthest place that was safe for me. When I got
up, They were waiting. My servants were shot dead and there were no 
sign of Dad and Calista. “Hello, Rhian,” a bald man greeted me. “We had 
been waiting a while for you.” And I was seized from the back by two 
burly men. “You and your boyfriend played a very risky game,” the bald 
guy continued. “When children play with fire, they’ll get burnt. Ouch!” 


“I’ll pay you whatever amount you want,” I offered. “My Dad could afford
it.” 

The bald guy laughed loudly. “I know he can. But money is not the most
crucial thing.” I scanned the sitting room of the penthouse. There were 
five of them and I had not seen before any of them. “So, where’s your 
boyfriend?” 

“What do you want with him?” I demanded. I struggled but the two men
holding me were too strong. 

“We want to talk to him, of course,” the bald man replied and crossed
his legs. He was sitting on Dad’s favorite chaise. “There are things we 
needed to settle.” “He won’t tell the police about you,” I said in 
Trey’s defense. 

“How can you be so sure that he won’t? The FBI will offer him
interesting incentives. A: You keep quiet and go to jail B: You tell us 
who you are working for and we’ll slap you with few hundred hours of 
community service,” the bald guy explained. 

“I saw your face! I’ll go to the police about you,” I scared him but he
wasn’t shaken. “You think I’m so innocent? Your Dad’s rich. We are 
holding you in captivity. Your Dad will pay the loss, no doubt about 
that. And we’ll convince him to keep your mouth shut. Or his precious 
daughter will die,” he exposed his plan gleefully. 

“He’s not going to pay you,” I said confidently. 

“He’s not paying the ransom for you, we know that,” the bald man
claimed. “We have Calista.” I gasped. Their plan was fool-proof. Unlike 
the one that Trey and I had come up with. What were we thinking? “You 
bastard!” I yelled, kicking furiously. “She’s got nothing to do with 
this! Let her go!” 

“We will after we talk to your boyfriend,” the bald guy claimed. “So
where is he?” He did not give me a chance to answer at all. “Oh wait, 
he’s on the way back here to find you. He’ll figure out that we have 
you.” How did they know that? They did nothing but lingered around my 
house, eating things out of the fridge, just waiting. “Why don’t you 
just kill me?” I seethed, staring daggers at each one of them. 

“You are really that innocent, aren’t you little girl?” the bald guy
cooed. He walked up to me and held my chin. “You think your Dad is that 
clean? You think he won’t hunt us down with his men if he found out 
that we kill his daughter?” I heaved myself away from him. “What do you 
mean?!?” I demanded. I was down on my knees as he towered in front of 
me. “It means if we hurt you, our chances of survival are even slimmer 
than being on FBI’s most wanted list.” Dad? He had this kind of me 
working for him? “Enough chatting over here, Rhian. Let’s take a ride.” 
The bald guy gripped my arm so tightly that my hand became numb. They 
shoved me into the elevator and we rode down to a waiting dodgy old 
car. I was placed at the back seat. “We’re going to meet your 
boyfriend,” he announced and I burst into tears in front of them. They 
would spare me, but what would happen to Trey? 

The car raced down the streets of New York City and I saw familiar
landmarks rushing by. My life had been secured but what was the use of 
living if Trey was not around. I had an impending sense that his death 
would be right in front of my eyes. 

“Take a look at your left,” I heard someone telling me but it was all a
blur as I was in a mess with all the crying. I could see people walking 
up and down the cemented pavement but I couldn’t recognize any of the 
faces. The guy who was sitting on my left took a chunk of my hair and 
pushed my face up against the window and I saw fear in Trey’s face. The 
car had slowed down and I could read his emotion. He was banging wildly 
onto the back of the car but it had driven away, leaving him to taste 
the dust. I was struggling at the back of the car, trying to pry myself 
free from the grasps of the two men. “Rhian! Rhian!” I heard him crying 
out my name and I managed to swivel in my seat. He was chasing after 
the car, which was not that hard at the rate it was moving. Suddenly, I 
felt something cold touching my temple. I did not need to see what it 
was to know that it was the barrel of the gun up against my temple. 
“Don’t move,” the bald guy threatened me. I gulped. 

“Let’s play a little game with your boyfriend,” he sneered. They must
have kept him running for about two blocks but he was still going after 
the car. I peeked at him over my shoulder, cursing over the stupid idea 
we had into going through this game together. It was for fun; for the 
adrenaline but the consequences were too damaging. We were approaching 
an intersection and without warning, the driver swerved the car until 
we turned a hundred and eighty degrees and I could see Trey clearly 
through the windshield. The inside of the car was a total chaos as I 
was shrieking with fear and the bald man warning me to shut my mouth. 

The car made a chase for Trey who did not had enough time to recover and
to sprint away and right in front of my two eyes, the car I was sitting 
in ran over Trey. He was knocked off his feet and if that wasn’t 
enough, the bald guy stuck his head out of the window and a shot 
roared. I was struck speechless. I was in a vehicle that had killed my 
own boyfriend. The only guy that I had loved before, the guy that I 
lost my virginity to, the guy that challenged me in ways I could never 
be pushed. And because of the risky game we played, I had lost the best 
thing that had ever happened to me. 

*** 

I woke up with a startle to find myself in my bedroom in Blu Creek. My
room was empty and it was dark outside. A quick glance of my digital 
alarm clock revealed that it was nearly midnight. The house was silent. 
I guessed the both of them had gone to sleep especially after the 
torture that they had been through with me. And I could hear Dad’s 
voice going on and on inside my head. “Trey’s dead. He’s dead.” I 
closed my ears to block his voice out but I couldn’t. They were stuck 
in my mind and I could see the beady eyes of Dad’s as he told me that 
information. 

Trey was not dead. He could not be dead. He had been with me ever since
I moved to Blu Creek. He had visited me every couple of weeks. And if 
he was dead, we couldn’t be doing those things that we had done, 
couldn’t we? We couldn’t have talked, kissed, made love, doing little 
pranks around town and going on that road trip. If he was dead, I could 
not have felt his touch on my skin. He was alive. Dad was just lying to 
me, trying to plant things that actually didn’t happen. 

It was easy. All I had to do was to find him and it would prove to the
both of them that he was not dead. That he was well and alive; not only 
in my head but in real flesh as well. Not wanting to wake the both of 
them up, I climbed out of my window, the way he came and went every 
time he visited me in my room. The night was chilly; it wasn’t a summer 
night. But this entire summer wasn’t turning out to be what a summer 
was supposed to be. The keys of my car were tucked safely in the pocket 
of my sweater. I had to sneak into Calista’s room and picked them out 
of her dresser’s drawer. 

The streets were deserted as I drove my Mini Cooper through town,
searching at every corner of Blu Creek. He had to be around Blu Creek. 
Both of us had a score to settle between us and I had a feeling that he 
won’t be leaving the town until it was fine between us. And he was 
waiting for me. Somewhere, someplace but I couldn’t find him. Where 
would he be right now? Shouldn’t he come to me and to assure me that 
all I was hearing from Dad was crap? And why would Dad say something 
like that? Trying to wedge a stick between me and Him. Dad was the one 
with problems. Not me. And definitely there were no problems at all 
between me and Him. 

I had driven around for almost two hours and I was exhausted. Blu Creek
suddenly looked like a ghost town; all eerie and terrifying. The town 
which I thought was small was suddenly huge and terrorizing, waiting to 
swallow me up. I couldn’t drive anymore. I was shaking so badly that I 
pulled over at the Boardwalk Park, where he and I would stay until 
morning like we had recently did. I wilted onto a bench and cried my 
heart out. I cried for not being able to find him. I cried because of 
the doubts that they had been putting into my head. I cried so that 
Trey could hear my desperate pleadings and would appear in front of me. 
I cried because I was so confused. 

Then I stopped wailing. I played a game with myself. If I stayed quiet
for one whole minute, he would come. If I could count the number of 
leaves in the tree in front of me, he would come. If I prayed really 
hard to a god, he would come. If I could.... 

Then I tried something else. I tried making a deal. If he appeared in
front of me, I would embrace a religion. If he appeared in front of me, 
I would do five hundred hours of volunteer work. If he appeared in 
front of me, I would donate all my money to charity. If he appeared in 
front of me, I would be a Good Samaritan for my entire life. If he 
appeared in front of me, I would become a vegetarian. 

But nothing was working and I was alone still. First it was just tears
streaming down my face. Next my shoulders began to heave. Followed by 
sounds of sobbing and I was back to wailing, letting my emotions ran 
all over the place and I was kicking and screaming like a little girl 
whose wishes had just been denied. And I did not care if the entire 
town heard me. 

I did not know how long he had been standing in front of me because I
leapt when I caught a sight of him and a shriek escaped from my throat. 
“What’s wrong?” Shane asked, taking a seat on the bench. I inched away 
from him. He wouldn’t understand. He would not want to. “Go away,” I 
pleaded. “Just leave me alone.” 

He shook his head gently. “I’m not going to. I’m your friend.” 

“I don’t need one right now,” I insisted and shoved him away. Instead,
he grabbed me and enveloped me in his arms. At first I began to punch 
at his chest, protesting at him to let go of me. “Go away!” I yelled 
and hit him harder but he did not budge. I was too drained to fight him 
off so I gave in. I cried into his chest instead, wishing and imagining 
that it was Trey who was hugging and comforting me. Shane waited for me 
until I was all cried out. There were no more tears to flow. Gently, he 
released me. His face was filled with worry for me. “What happened?” 

“They said he wasn’t real,” I sobbed. “That he’s dead.” I fiddled with
the sleeve of my jacket, pinching at it, expressing my anger and 
frustration in a different way. “Why are they doing this to me? I just 
saw him. I dropped him off at the bus terminal so he could go back to 
New York.” 

“Are you talking about Trey?” Shane asked. I nodded. “They said that
he’s dead. And he has been for a year. That’s not true! He visited me a 
lot of time since I moved here. I have to find him. I have to show them 
that he’s here. He’s not in a coma,” I choked out. 

“How did he die?” Shane inquired. 

I stood up, blazing. “He’s not! You’re not even listening to me! He’s
not dead! You’re just like all of them!” He pulled me back down. 
“Rhian, I believe what you say,” he supposed. “So where is he?” 

“I don’t know,” I cried. He covered my hand with his. “When did you last
see him?” 

“We went town hopping about a week ago. I dropped him off at the bus
stop and then I went home. But he came back into my room. He was 
different,” I faltered. 

“How is different?” 

I shrugged miserably. “His face was pale. He looked scared. He said he
wanted to tell me something. That it’s important but he was stalling. 
Then Dad began banging.” I showed him how hard the banging was. “So 
loudly. Then Trey was staring at the door. He wouldn’t talk at all.” I 
scrunched up my hair and put them up in a ponytail. My head was 
throbbing badly. “Then I couldn’t see him anymore. I don’t know why.” 

Shane’s voice was surprisingly soothing after all the yelling I heard
from Dad. “Do you have any idea what he’s going to tell you?” 

“Not at all,” I replied. “But I don’t think I want to know at all. I’m
afraid it will scare me even more.” 

“Why?” he pressed further. 

“What if what Dad said is true? I can bear hearing it from Dad but it
it’s from him, I’ll just die,” I confessed. “I’ll just crumble on the 
spot and die. It’s too heartbreaking.” 

Shane took a deep breath. “Rhian, you can’t doubt what you know is
right. Why should you even consider about what your Dad told you? You 
know that Trey’s alive. So why are you doubting it?” Why did I doubt 
myself? I was so sure just a couple of minute ago that he was alive. I 
had to tell him the truth. Shane had been so patient and understanding. 
“There were some images playing in my head. I was in it and so was 
Trey.” 

“What images?” 

“They were like short clips playing inside my head. But I don’t know
which came first and the thing I don’t understand was why I was in it. 
I don’t think I’ve done those things. Can you get what I was saying?” I 
wanted Shane to understand what I was saying so badly. I couldn’t 
portray what I was feeling as well. He nodded slowly. “I think I 
understand what you’re getting at. Why don’t you describe it to me? The 
images you saw,” he guided me. It was so easy to tell him everything. 
We had been talking for a while now but not once have he made me feel 
that I was insane. I was never this open with other people except Trey 
before. “I was sitting under a tree at Central Park. It was our 
favorite place but I was crying and Trey looked as though he was about 
to cry too. But I don’t know why I was crying.” That was one of sadder 
images that I was seeing. 

“This one kept playing in my mind a lot. I was on this very fast
vehicle. The car or van was filled with guys I didn’t know. And there 
were lot of sneering. The vehicle was moving so fast that it was as if 
I was a roller coaster. Then it slowed down.” I paused for a while, 
sneaking a peek at him to see if he would say anything but he wasn’t. 
His eyes were glued on the ground but his face was all serious and 
thoughtful. As though he was analyzing what I was saying. “Go on,” he 
urged me. 

“I hear Calista sobbing. Clothes being pulled out of a closet and thrown
into a suitcase lying open on the bed. Dad was shouting into his cell 
phone.” I shook my head in disbelief. “Why am I seeing all these? Did 
it ever happen?” Shane’s hand shifted from the top of my hand and he 
placed it on my knee, giving it a n encouraging squeeze. “I’m sure all 
of them meant something,” he assured me. “You just don’t have the full 
picture yet. It will make sense.” 

“What if I can’t find Trey?” I choked out, my lips trembling. “What if
all these images are trying to tell me something? Something I already 
know but I’m trying hard to deny it?” 

“Then you have to try and stop lying to yourself,” Shane said. 

“There’s still one more that I haven’t told you yet,” I confessed. This
was the most frightful one of all that I have seen. And it was the 
hardest to tell. “You know when you ride a roller coaster and how it 
turns the corner so fast that it made your heart stop beating for a 
while?” I asked him softly. 

“Yeah, I could imagine that,” he replied. “What about it?” 

“I felt that in this image. Like I was riding this extremely speedy
roller coaster and it was turning. I was screaming and someone was 
firing at me to shut up. Then I saw Trey’s face, filled with fear. But 
he was sweating profusely. Then he was out of my sight. I wasn’t sure 
where did he go. And something exploded near me. And I was suddenly so 
depressed.” 

“So, in these images, did you see a lot of Trey?” Shane inquired. 

I shook my head. “No. But the images, it sort of revolved around him. I
can’t understand why. He wasn’t around. He was......I don’t know where 
he was. But he knew I was in danger. So why wasn’t he there to rescue 
me?” 

“Maybe he was trying to,” Shane offered. “Don’t jump into conclusions,
Rhian. You still don’t know the full story.” He was right, again. But I 
couldn’t stop thinking of what Trey was doing while all these were 
happening. And did these images actually take place in my life? “What 
was your life like in New York?” Shane asked out of the blue. I chewed 
the inside of my cheek. If I told him what I was like in New York, he 
would that the way I was in Blu Creek was all an act. That I was a 
fake. Oh well, I had revealed so much to him already. What difference 
would it be if he heard more? But this chunk of information could 
destroy my entire status in Blu Creek! “Whatever I’m telling you, all 
these things, can you promise not to tell anybody else?” I made him 
swore. He crossed his heart. “I swear,” he said. “Don’t worry, I’m not 
a big mouth.” 

There was a lot to tell him. And it would take a long time. “New York
was like a whole other life for me,” I began. Those were the exact 
words to describe it. “When I moved to Blu Creek, it was as if I was 
shedding my identity and replace it with a whole new one. I was like a 
snake. Shedding  my old life and replacing it with a new one that was 
totally different. Trey is the only thing that I had brought from my 
previous life. He usually reminds me of our times back there. His exact 
words were that I was tamer here.” I let out a small chuckle. “Tamer, 
he said. It was full speed back there. I met him when I was fourteen. 
Even then, I had been exposed to things that terrified parents until 
they will lock their kids in little cells just so their kids won’t see 
what I’ve seen. Riding at the back of the police car was a usual thing. 
Trey...He kind of stopped me from doing those stupid things. He was the 
same age as Calista, so he took care of me like she always did. 
Instead, we came up with dares for each other. We did silly things and 
I did not step into the police car for almost a year.” I had to take a 
breath. I had been talking so much that my throat was parched. “Then I 
was back in the police car. That was on the night of his seventeenth 
birthday. I wanted to make a tattoo of his name. But I got caught for 
using the fake ID and there I was, waiting for Dad to bail me out 
again.” 

“For some reason, our dares turned to be more risky. I dared him to do
something more ‘macho’. But we didn’t stop there. The adrenaline was 
too addictive. At first we turned to drugs to replace it but they 
couldn’t match up to the extreme things we had done.” 

Shane scratched his cheek. “How did you start all this stuff you do in
New York?” 

I tried to recall the moment where I was introduced to all these. “There
was this girl. She was a lot older than I was. That time, I was around 
nine. I had skipped gym and was hiding at a stairwell when I noticed 
she was sitting on top of the stairs, smoking a cigarette. She offered 
hers to me and not wanting her to think I was a chicken, I took a puff. 
She was already daunting me, saying I was too scared to try. That girl, 
she took me under her wing and dragged me to all these parties. At 
first I was intimidated by all the people older than I was but I fitted 
in with them. They were all just individuals, trying to be accepted 
into a group. I went to more and more places with them. That was it.” 

“What happened to that girl? Do you still contact her?” 

“Nope,” I answered. “Months after I became friends with her, she found
out she was pregnant. Her parents then put her in a boarding house and 
I never saw her since.” 

“But you still continued mixing with the others?” I nodded. “By that
time, I had become tight with the rest. Every time I went to a party, 
I’ll meet a new person and they will drag me to another. It doesn’t 
matter anymore that she wasn’t there at all.” 

“And what did you do with them?” Wow, he was asking load of questions.
“Shane, I wished to go on. But I’m too tired to speak further,” I 
revealed. 

His face relaxed into a grin. “I was expecting that. We’ll talk next
time round, okay?” I nodded uncertainly. “Anyway, how come you’re 
asking all these questions?” I inquired. 

He shrugged. “Just trying to get to know you better.” 

“You sounded like a psychiatrist,” I joked. “A free one.” 

“I’m not trying to be a psychiatrist,” he corrected me. “Just being a
good one.” 

“Well, you’re a great one,” I assured him. “Thanks.” Shane walked me to
my car and made me promise to drive straight home. I still wanted to 
find him but I knew that it would be wise to go home, shower and get a 
long sleep before I try to embark on a quest that I wasn’t ready for. 

*** 

There was only one word that could describe the night. Beautiful. That
night was all summed up in that word. I had never seen the moon that 
huge and round and it was beaming down on me as well as illuminating up 
a path on top of the open waters. I had to dip my toes onto the sea to 
actually convince myself that the path was just an illusion from the 
light. I sighed and walked a few steps on the golden sand. The night 
was just too wonderful to be enjoyed on my own. I wished that he was 
here so that I could share all this majesty with him. Was someone up 
there playing tricks on me? Why would they present a night like this to 
me only when I was all alone? 

I dug my foot deep into the sand and giggled at the sensation of the
sand seeping in between my toes. It was a good thing that my sense of 
humor was still intact to my empty soul. Hold on. I did not mean that 
life sucked without a boyfriend. Losing Trey was more than just losing 
a boyfriend. He was the best friend I ever had. Wait a minute! What was 
I crapping about? I had not lost Trey! He was just missing in my life 
for sixteen days. That did not mean he was gone and would not be coming 
back. He was just waiting for a perfect time to return to me. “Well, 
this is the perfect time, Trey Conner!” I said aloud to no one in 
particular. I traveled a few more distance and stopped to rest for a 
moment while I gathered my thoughts on how I could get hold of him. I 
had tried his cell but his number was not in use. Did he forget to pay 
his bills? I was screwed. There was no other way that I could get to 
him unless I physically travel to New York and knock down every door 
until I pulled him out of whatever hole that he was hiding. And who’s 
to say that he would be in New York? What if he was trapped at some 
town on the way to visit me in Blu Creek? 

What an idiot I was! I could not even get in contact with my boyfriend.
I balanced some sand on the top of my foot and concentrated on doing 
that until my foot got tired of resting on nothing. It was the most 
horrible feeling the world. Feeling very, very alone. Where could I 
find comfort at four in the morning? 

“Over here,” a voice spoke and the person sat next to me. I shook my
head in amazement. Shane was sitting next to me, a grin plastered onto 
his face. “How did you find me?” I asked and he shrugged. “Just a wild 
guess.” I made a face at him. “See how beautiful the night it,” I 
pointed out the moon to him. 

“Is it really made out of green cheese?” he teased and I shoved him
playfully. 

“Someone’s not paying attention in astronomy club,” I sang. His presence
made me so thankful even though he was not the person that I was aching 
to meet. “I must have missed that meeting,” he replied. Stars were 
littered on the night sky, twinkling like tiny little diamonds that I 
always dreamt of on a ring that Trey would slip on a specific finger on 
my left hand. There it was. My entire life was planned around him that 
I had became obsessed with him. He could not stay out of my mind even 
for ten seconds. “What are you thinking about?” Shane asked. 

“Diamonds,” I said the first word that came on my mind. 

“Ah, a girl’s best friend.” I would gladly trade all the diamonds in the
world for an hour with Trey right now. Shit, I really needed help. So 
he was away for a while. Life could go on. He would visit soon. But 
Dad’s voice was still at the back of my mind. And although I had stuff 
it there, his voice was amplified above all my other thoughts. “He’s 
not dead, you know,” I told Shane. He nodded and squeezed shoulders 
encouragingly. “I know that.” 

“If he’s here, we would be doing nothing. Just soak the night in,” I
added. 

“That sounded...sweet.” He was trying to find the right words to appease
me. I had to stop unloading my problems onto Shane. Who would be 
interested in hearing all this kind of stuff? Only a psychiatrist 
would. And the reason was only they get paid big bucks to hear all 
this. “I’ll stop going on about him,” I assured him. “I know it’s too 
much to handle.” 

He took hold of my hand. “Hey, don’t. I promised you that I’m here for
you. And I’ll stick to my promise.” I gazed adoringly at him. He was 
probably the last few remaining patient and kind souls left in this 
planet. Trey was one too. I could moan about everything to him. And he 
would listen. But the difference with him was that I knew Trey; Shane 
was still quite a stranger. “I got to get home,” I declared and stood 
up, brushing the sand off my jeans. He got up and he hugged me. “You 
can tell me everything, okay?” he said and I nodded thankfully. We 
stayed in the embrace for a few seconds longer and I spotted a shadow 
standing behind a tree a few feet away. The night was lit enough to see 
who it was. 

“Trey,” I whispered. Shane was gone. Where did he go? I made a run to
the tree bare footed but Trey was not there. He had run away. The only 
proof that he was around was by his leather jacket left rumpled and 
resting by the trunk of the tree. 

*** 

It woke up in cold sweat. It was all just a nightmare. Being at the
beach, Shane finding me and the events that occurred after that. The 
first thing I noticed as soon as I calmed myself was an overpowering 
scent of his that I loved so much. It was as though he had been in my 
room and still was. I traced the smell but it led to nowhere, just 
swirling in circles, teasing me. His scent enveloped me like a giant 
hug and I took a deep breath of it, savoring its delights. I was 
walking around my room, sniffing like a dog, caught up in my quest to 
trace where he was. As I strolled past my closet, my arms brushed 
against a material that felt so familiar, like an old friend. I glanced 
over my shoulders and I froze when my eyes laid on what it was. It was 
a leather jacket, hung casually on the knob of my closet. It was his. 
It had to be his. The leather jacket he loved so much and he wore 
almost every time we where together. The leather jacket which he would 
wrapped around me whenever he saw me tingle at the slightest chill. The 
leather jacket that was so worn that it was a little bit on the snug 
side but still, it offered the warmth he would need on a cold day. Not 
believing my eyes, I reached out for the jacket, inhaling sharply as my 
skin came in contact with the black leather. It was like a dream, an 
unbelievable dream in which our souls met each other. But this was not 
a dream; it was the bittersweet reality where I had not seen my 
boyfriend for almost two weeks. 

I picked the jacket off the knob carefully and carried it in my arms as
I would hold an infant, stroking it gently; imagining that he was 
wearing it. As I closed my eyes, I could feel his strong arms 
underneath the sleeves and with my thumb, I traced circles on the 
material. The jacket still lingered of his scent and I rubbed the 
insides of the jacket against my cheeks, taking in his fragrance. When 
did he leave this here? Did he come yesterday without me realizing it? 

The sun was high up in the sky and I was guessing that it was around two
in the afternoon. I had slipped in after the night with Shane and it 
was about six in the morning when I dozed off. So what time was Trey 
here? I donned on the leather jacket, reminiscing of the many times 
when I watched him slipped that precious clothing on. He loved this 
jacket of his so what was his motive of leaving it here? Was he trying 
to tell me something that I didn’t understand? But if that was the 
case, why didn’t he just talk straight up front to me? 

I took a few steps to my full length mirror and admired myself dressed
in his possession. My mind wandered. 

Trey was in my room. 

He sauntered from my open windows towards where I was standing. I held
my breath and my heart soared to the sky. I did not open my eyes. I did 
not need to. He was here and I was sure of it. Our souls were connected 
and we did not need the conformity of sight to know that we were in the 
presence of each other. I felt his hot breath on the nape of my neck 
and it gave me thrills in a way that it excites and scares me at the 
same time. “Rhian,” I heard his sensual voice whispering my name. The 
corners of my mouth tugged upwards and he was embracing me from the 
back. I rested my head on his firm chest and he laid a kiss on my 
forehead. His hands were planted on mine and I could feel the callus on 
his palms caused by the labor he did back in New York. He was not from 
a wealthy family. He had to earn his every cent and that made him more 
of a realist than I ever would be. And it was because of that he turned 
me on. I found his rough hands alluring although at times, when it was 
scratched up so badly, he would not even hold me. “Rhian,” he called my 
name again. I loved the way my name escaped from his lips so easily, 
like it was always on the tip of his tongue. And just by saying out my 
name, he made me lose all sense of control that I had. 

He began playing at the ends of my hair, twirling a strand around his
fingers and I reached up to run my hand through his hair. It was 
unstyled, like it had been for a while. Whenever in New York, he would 
sport different kind of styles that he managed to sculpt with the hair 
cream that he had. It was funny to see a guy who was so laid back took 
such caution with his hair. But now his dark coffee hair was as it was 
and longer than he usually kept it. The back of his hair were until the 
back of his neck. I wanted to kiss him, to taste him but there was 
something preventing me from looking at him. I wanted to but I couldn’t 
bring myself to. He was placing little kisses from the back of my neck, 
leading up to my jaws and towards my lips. He turned me around, my eyes 
still closed but before our lips met, his hands slid onto my shoulders, 
tugging softly at the collar of the jacket. Slowly, he slid the sleeves 
off my arms and in mere seconds, he had taken the jacket off. “Bye,” he 
said, his voice carried by the wind and he was gone. Just like that. I 
opened my eyes and the jacket, his scent, his presence were all gone. 
And I was left in my room all alone. 

I crumbled onto the floor and fat tears trickled down and it evolved
into loud sobs. I buried my face in my hands, my shoulders shaking 
badly. I couldn’t stop even though I wanted to. I was hiccupping and I 
need some water or I would choke. 

“Wake up!” Calista sang as the door of my room burst open. She was
carrying a tray full of food and as soon as she saw me in that terrible 
state, she dropped whatever she was holding and rushed up to me. 
“Rhian!” she shook me and led me to my bed. She made me hung my head 
down as she rubbed my back. The hiccupping subsided and I was left with 
tear stained face. It had been common since I did nothing but start 
rounds of crying for the past few days. 

“Why don’t you believe me, Cal?” I cried to her. “He was here just now.”


“Trey? Rhian, that couldn’t happen,” she assured me. “He’s dead,
sweetheart.” 

“He’s not!” I flared at her. “I’m his girlfriend! I know him more than
any of you!” She bit her lower lip and shook her head unbelievably. 
“You don’t remember anything!” she insisted. I took hold of her hand 
and squeezed it, begging her with my eyes. “Then tell me, Cal,” I 
pleaded. “He’s my boyfriend; I deserve to know the whole story.” She 
pulled her hand away and turned her head uncomfortably. For a while, 
all I saw was the back of her head. “Please,” I went on. “It really 
hurts.” 

When she faced me again, she was shaking her head insistently. “I can’t.
I don’t know,” she choked out. 

“What if something happened to Derryck? Don’t you feel obliged to know
what’s going on?” I played with her mind. “What if he got hurt and 
landed in the hospital and I knew what happened. But someone asked me 
to keep it a secret from you. Do you think you won’t feel cheated? That 
you won’t feel left out? And I will tell you what happened to Derryck. 
Even if someone bribed me not to. Cos you have a right to know. Cal, I 
helped you when you had troubles the last time you were here. It’s your 
turn now.” She swallowed and her hands trembled. “I can’t, Rhian. 
Although I wanted to,” she revealed. 

“Do you know what actually happened?” I questioned. She shrugged. “Why
can’t you tell me?” I pried on. “Is it because of Dad?” She nodded. 
“Why doesn’t he want to tell me?” 

“Rhian, it’s complicated,” she began. “You can’t remember all these so
it is easier for you to just forget.” 

“I just want to know what happened to Trey,” I insisted. “So when I see
him, I can ask him.” 

“What do you mean, see him? You can’t see him anymore. He’s dead!” she
cried out. “I saw his body being carried into the ambulance.” 

“Why the ambulance? What happened to him?” 

She took a deep breath and sighed loudly. “It’s a good thing you don’t
recall much about New York. You’re much better off here.” 

“I heard gun shot,” I whispered. “I saw myself and him under a tree.
There were cars racing. Do any of these means anything to you?” She 
grabbed her hair by the roots exasperatedly. “Don’t put me through 
this, Rhian,” she begged. 

“It’s not that easy for me either,” I spat sarcastically. “At least you
have an idea what happened in your life. I’m prevented from knowing 
about it.” 

“I’m doing this to protect you,” she said simply. 

“Well, I’m a big girl. I don’t need you to protect me at all. I want the
truth.” 

She stood up and stared at me with her blue eyes. “That’s one thing I
can’t give to you,” she answered and started picking out the crumbs 
from the food that she had spilled onto my carpet. I watched as orange 
juice seeped onto my white carpet, staining it. Stained, like my life. 
A life that was rightfully mine but was taken away by someone. 

*** 

“It’s getting harder,” I told Shane as we sat in my car. In Blu Creek,
there was a lake on top of a small hill called, Hilda Lake. It was a 
place buzzing with water sport activities and if one was too lazy to 
head out to the beach, Hilda Lake provided a nice place for a picnic 
lunch. But when I pulled up in the parking lot, the area was empty 
which was not surprising to me as it was after eight. Although Hilda 
Lake was a quiet area, it was not a prime spot where couples would go 
to make out. That honor belonged to a cliff about fifteen minutes drive 
away that had a stunning view of the ocean. “I don’t know where he is,” 
I continued. “I miss him so much. You think he knows that?” 

“I’m sure he does,” he replied kindly and fidgeted in his seat. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked. 

“Nothing,” he answered. “So did you try contacting any of his friends
back in New York?” 

How could I explain it to Shane? The time span between my last few days
in New York and the move here to Blu Creek was all a blur to me. I 
could not remember much of the details except boarding the airplane and 
Calista’s voice saying that we moved here because Dad wanted to get 
away from the busy life. And I never did ask for any other information 
because Trey was with me. He was with me in New York and he was with me 
in Blu Creek and I figured that things had worked out by themselves. 
How dumb was I? I could be kidnapped by aliens for all I know and would 
not even care about it just as long as Trey was right next to me. There 
was something about him that made everything just perfect for me. “I 
can’t explain it to you. I can’t remember much about the move here.” 

“You never asked?” 

“You might think this is stupid but my first memory of Blu Creek was
when I woke up in my current room,” I informed him. “Then I saw Trey 
and he told me that Dad wanted to get away from the city. And I just 
didn’t care about other details. He’s with me. Who cares about which 
city or town I’m in?” He nodded and processed what I told him for a 
while. These therapy sessions with him had become more frequent and I 
was starting to suspect that he might be getting bored of it. Who 
wanted to listen to someone whine all the time? And that was what I had 
been doing whenever we meet up. “I can’t say honestly that I understand 
you completely, but I think I know what you meant a little,” he said. 
“I never guessed you and him were this serious.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“There’s no reason to care about the world when you both have each
other,” he stated. “Isn’t that what you both are all about?” 

“Right,” I agreed. “He’s not with me anymore. It’s killing me.” I stared
out at the dark lake, hoping that somehow, a wave would plunge out of 
it and suck me deep into the bottom of the lake where I would lie 
peacefully. And knowing him, he would search every lake in the country 
to find me where we would eventually end up together again. I was the 
most pathetic human being in the entire world. My head was not sure of 
where I stand. Calista had been pressing it to me that he was dead over 
and over again. But I kept denying to her that he was not dead. Then 
when I was with Shane, I talked to Shane about Trey as though he was 
gone; dead or missing, I was not sure. 

My mind was not made up yet. And the main reason was I had not been in
contact with him for ages. Where was he? “Where’s he, Shane?” I 
whispered aloud. 

“He’s in your heart, Rhian,” Shane replied. “Ignore what your family had
been saying. Deep down, you know that he’s still alive out there.” 

“I know that but why do I doubt myself now?” 

“Because you’re human. You love him a lot, I know that. But with him not
being around you, your mind tends to pick an easy way out and that is 
to accept whatever others are saying.” He put my thoughts to words so 
easily that he amazed me. He was like a horoscope description. One you 
thought wasn’t real but when you read it, it seemed to make sense in 
ways that surprised you. “I have to go to New York,” I decided. “I have 
to find him. At least over there I’ll manage to trace him down.” 

“You need a friend to come with you?” Shane offered. 

“Thanks, but I need to do this by myself.” 

*** 

“You’re going where?!?” Calista shrieked when I told her where I was
heading. 

“New York,” I said firmly and began stuffing random clothes into my
suitcase. 

“Why?!?” 

“I need to find him, Cal. I need to know what had happened to me and
him.” She shook her head. “No, no. You won’t be able to find him, 
Rhian. Cos he’s dead!!” she yelled. 

“Even if you say so then I won’t believe you until I see his grave in
front of my eyes,” I replied determinedly. I opened the locked drawer 
and took out my passport. Getting to New York was not a hard thing at 
all. New Jersey was not that far and I could drive up there in my Mini 
Cooper. It would be a day drive at most. Calista had stormed out of my 
room and I had no idea where she was. I had waited too long for people 
to tell me the actual story and so, I would not be wasting any minute 
to wait for her to persuade me to stay. 

I wheeled my suitcase down the hallway and as I reached the top of the
stairs, Dad and Calista were rooted at the bottom, blocking my way to 
the truth of what was going on. “Rhian, I’ll tell you what really 
happen,” Dad compromised. “Promise that you won’t go there.” 

“I can’t do that,” I said. 

“I’ll tell you everything. I won’t leave out any detail,” he promised,
his voice echoing in our big mansion. “Put the suitcase away and we’ll 
talk at the den.” I glanced at him warily and I had to give him a 
chance. That way I could compare his story to the images that were 
still flashing in front of my eyes. Images that were still distorted 
that I could not put them in place. I took careful steps down and when 
I was standing before him, he put a hand on my side and guided me to 
the den as though I could not walk there myself. I did not wait to sit 
down, I demanded the story he bargained with me for. 

“It was a Monday,” he began. “You’ll be graduating from your junior year
that very Friday. I could not tell you what went on with you and Trey 
cos obviously I was not there. So this was from my side.” 

I rolled my eyes. “I know that,” I spat. 

“I was in my office when I got a call from this guy using Calista’s cell
phone number. He claimed that he got Calista and he had taken her to 
someplace which he would not reveal where. I could hear her shouting at 
the background, asking to let her go and I panicked. I did not know 
what was going on until the guy snarled at me saying that they were 
after your boyfriend and were holding you and Calista as hostages. He 
also mentioned that a few others were waiting in our penthouse 
already.” He took a deep breath and wiped the sweat that were forming 
on his forehead. “I called up our house and another guy answered me, 
this time round, I heard you shouting at the background.” 

“What was I saying?” I demanded to know. 

Dad had the decency to smile. “You were hurling foul words at him and he
was commanding you to shut up. You were both in trouble and it was 
caused by your boyfriend. It had something to do about drugs which I 
wasn’t sure about but they promised me they won’t hurt any of you. They 
wanted compensation of the loss that your boyfriend had done and they 
would let both of you go as soon as they get to talk with Trey.” I 
glanced at Calista, my face demanding her to acknowledge whether it was 
true or not and she nodded. “Up until then, I had no idea you have a 
boyfriend,” Dad pointed out. 

“That’s because you never cared about me,” I defended myself. 

“Rhian, I know I was wrong but I want to fix all this,” he assured me. I
lifted a hand to stop him. I needed to know the rest of the story. “The 
one thing they made clear was to not involve the police as they pointed 
out that it will not only put them but you and your boyfriend as well 
in trouble for drug trafficking. It happened so fast and it was so 
chaotic so I did what I thought was right. I paid them the money to 
cover the losses that Trey had caused and waited guard for the return 
of both you and Calista. I raced back to the penthouse and when I 
opened the door, I saw the servants were shot dead and Calista thrown 
at one corner, gagged and tied up. You were not there and I had no idea 
where they had taken you.” A tear rolled down Calista’s left cheek and 
she wiped it away but I spotted it already. I had no idea how to react 
at all. It was as though he was telling me a story about a different 
person altogether. “We found you an hour later. You were lying by the 
curb and your head was bleeding badly. I rushed you to the hospital and 
I called the police immediately and claimed that it was a robbery which 
they believed because most of the paintings and valuables at home were 
taken.” 

“Why didn’t I remember any of it?” He placed his hand on mine and I
pulled away. I was not used to him having contact with me and this was 
not the time to initiate it. 

“Because of your head injury, you can’t remember any of it. You hit your
head pretty badly when they threw you out of the car and so you were 
under heavy medication when we moved up here,” he explained it all. 
Could it be that simple? That the police did not investigate the entire 
case like they did in CSI? That they would but Dad’s story that easily? 
“If I can’t remember any of that, why can I remember things before?” I 
inquired. 

“You have to understand that what happened was pretty traumatic. So when
you hit your head, it affected your memory of that night but the 
psychiatrist also explained that it was probably due to your denial,” 
Calista stated. 

“I saw a psychiatrist?” 

“Yes, before we moved here and few months here.” Did I really do that?
Why couldn’t I remember? Were they just putting things in my head? 
“What about Trey? What happened to him then?” 

“He was shot, Rhian. He was run over by a car and then he was shot,” Dad
said. 

“You’re lying,” I cried. “You’re lying, about all this!” 

“I’m sorry, sweetie but it’s all the truth.” There was one thing that he
could not lie to me. “Then show me his grave if it’s all the truth,” I 
demanded. “I need to see it.” 

“It’s in New York,” Dad informed me. 

“I’m going there.” I stood before the two of them and placed my hands on
my hips. “You both had no right keeping this from me,” I stated. Dad 
and Calista hung their head shamefully. Dad was the one who looked up 
first. He covered his lower face with his hand and shook his head. “We 
didn’t know you were having trouble, sweetheart,” he confessed. “We 
just thought that you took it real well. Even the psychiatrist said 
that you were doing well.” He tugged at my hand, urging me to sit down 
again. “I saw him, you know,” I whispered. “I really did. For the past 
year. On many occasions.” Dad nodded his head slowly. “I believe you, 
but that doesn’t mean that he’s alive. You can’t bring someone back 
from the dead,” Dad explained. 

“I’m not hallucinating about all that,” I insisted. “He was with me. All
the time.” 

“We believe you,” Dad repeated. “I believe you.” 

“No you don’t,” I murmured. “You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” Calista
took a deep breath and reached over to hold my hand and squeezed it 
tight. “Rhian, there are things in this world that we can’t understand 
but that doesn’t mean that it’s not real.” 

“You mean like the crop circles?” I allowed myself to lighten up. She
gave me a faint smile and nodded. We usually had long discussions about 
these mysteries that were found on earth. It had been a year since we 
last did that, I recalled. “Exactly,” she agreed. “There might be some 
explanation, but we are your family. We believe what you say. And 
you’ve got to trust us when we said that he’s not alive anymore.” I 
chewed the inside of my cheek, thinking about what she had said. They 
claimed that he was buried somewhere in New York. And we would be going 
there. And after that what? I just carried on with my life without him? 
Accept that he really wasn’t around anymore although no matter how 
convinced I was that he’s still alive? “I don’t know if I can do that,” 
I admitted. “I’ll need to see where he’s buried.” Dad held both of our 
hands and gave me a grim look. “We’ll visit his grave together,” he 
said and walked out of the den. Before he left, I could see the tense 
expression on his face and it seemed to me he was concerned about 
something else. 

*** 

I was standing at the edge of the cliffs, watching the powerful waves
crashed into the formation of the rocks beneath my feet. The wind was 
roaring in my ears and my hairs were flying with the intensity of the 
wind. I was shivering from head to toe as I leaned forward against the 
bar handle, trying to count the gap of seconds before a new wave lapped 
onto the cliff. The skied were overcast above me and I was guessing 
that it would be raining anytime soon. 

“I’ve got to get going,” I muttered to myself. But I was bargaining with
myself to stay for a few more minutes. Even though the whole atmosphere 
was gloomy, it felt kind of romantic to be there with the ever stronger 
wind brushing against my skin. I sighed and took reluctant steps 
towards my Mini Cooper, unwilling to head back home. Instead, I sat on 
the hood of my car and continued gazing into the horizon. Once I 
reached home, we would be on our way to New York to visit his grave, as 
they claimed. There was a reason that I could not bring myself to leave 
the cliffs. If there was evidence presented in front of me, how could I 
deny it any further? I wanted to postpone the inevitable as long as I 
could. I wanted this relationship I had with him to drag even further. 
Everything I had planned, everything I had imagined of, everything I 
had hoped for would come crashing down like the waves if he was really 
dead. Didn’t he promise me that we would be together as long as we 
wanted to be? How could we be together if he wasn’t around, even if it 
was just in my dreams? Didn’t we make a pact that we would try to be 
together no matter what circumstances came between us? Death was not 
something that came to our minds when we made all those sacred 
promises. And it might be coming true. That we would be forever apart. 
How would I react if I saw him name carved onto the headstone? I closed 
my eyes and tried imagining the letters imprinted on the stone but 
somehow I couldn’t. It just wasn’t possible. I guessed it actually 
meant something now when people said that we humans can make plans but 
it was up to the higher power to make it come true. 

“You’re not dead, right? They’re just bluffing me,” I spoke him. 

“Of course I’m not,” I heard him reply. He planted himself on the hood
of my car where I was lying on my back, my head tilted towards heaven. 
I sat up immediately, gaping at his handsome features that were like 
candy to girls’ eyes. “Surprised?” he chuckled and pulled me closer to 
him. At his touch, I dismissed what the others had been saying. “More 
than that,” I admitted, snuggling into his frame. “Why the long 
absence?” 

“Ah,” he smiled. “I had something to see to.” I sneaked my hands around
his body, at last being able to hug him after such a long time. “I 
missed you,” I said into his ears. 

“Same here,” he replied. “You had no idea how hard it was to be away
from you for such a long time.” Oh, I had a gist of it. We were both in 
torture for the past few weeks being far apart without news about each 
other. But once he returned, all those horrible weeks just vanished 
without a single regret. He was worth the wait. Sitting here with him 
was worth all the crying and the heartache. With him around, I could be 
stranded naked in the middle of Antarctica for all I cared and I would 
still be hot all over. I slipped my hand inside his shirt and ran my 
fingers up and down his back, tingling all over. He tilted my chin up 
and pressed his lips onto mine. I moaned softly and I couldn’t stop 
myself from smiling. “What did you miss about me?” I said into his 
mouth. 

“Everything,” he answered. “Holding you, kissing you, talking to you,
your lovely smell, your eyes, your face. Every single thing.” There was 
a light stubble on his chin which tickled me when it rubbed against my 
skin. “What’s with this?” I teased, touching his stubble. “Just haven’t 
had enough time,” he said. He lifted my hair from my face and leaned 
back to admire me. “I swear, you’ve gotten a whole lot more beautiful 
since I last saw you.” 

“I have been thinking about plastic surgery,” I teased him. 

“I’m serious, Rhian. Maybe I just missed you so much,” he murmured into
my hair. “How are things with you?” Once he asked me, things that they 
have been grilling into my head popped back. I reared away from him and 
clasped my hands together and rested them under my chin. “Actually, 
there’s something I’ve got to ask you.” He sensed my discomfort and 
nodded seriously. “I know what it’s about,” he admitted. He jumped off 
the hood and walked towards the edge of the cliff. He propped his body 
against the bar handle and faced me. I admired him for a moment, 
thinking of how sexy he was. Was it possible for one person to have the 
entire package? The looks, the personality; everything? It just wasn’t 
fair for the rest. He was just so perfect in my eyes, in each and every 
aspect. 

“You remember when I told you that I will always be with you?” he asked.
His hair was flying with the wind. I had never seen him that adorable 
before. 

“Yeah, I do,” I replied. 

“I mean whatever I said, Rhian,” he told me. “No matter what happens,
I’ll always be with you. Even when it’s....” Even when it’s what? Even 
when it’s what, baby? “Conventional,” he completed his sentence. “Even 
if it’s against our will?” I asked meekly. He merely nodded and gazed 
out to the ocean. “I promise you, Rhian. I’ll find a way back to you.” 

“What about the others?” I couldn’t help asking. He turned around
slowly, his face coming back into sight. “Why let what others’ opinions 
come in between us? All I know is that I want you. Do you want to?” He 
lowered his eyes onto the ground, as if praying that I would give him 
the answer that he wanted to hear. What did he have to doubt? Of course 
I wanted to be with him. But was I hoping that our relationship could 
be simpler? Because now it was too complicated for me. Was it possible 
to be with him without any complications? “Rhian, what relationship is 
not complicated?” he asked me, answering my thoughts. “They all are. 
That’s what makes it special.” 

“You know I want to be with you, Trey. So very much. But no one
understands how it is with us,” I told him, biting my lower lip. He 
held me by my arms and our eyes met, making me lost in the twinkle of 
brown. “I don’t need them to understand. I just need you to. Can you do 
that?” he grilled. I blinked nervously and nodded. The bottom line was 
I had to be with him. He and I were meant together. And since he was so 
adamant that this would work, I would work alongside with him to make 
our relationship happens. “Fuck other people,” I declared. 

“Damn them,” he joined in and embraced me in joy. “I love you so much.” 

“I know that,” I informed him. But there was one thing left I had to
ask. “Is it true?” I muttered into his chest. 

“What do you think?” he asked me back. 

“I don’t know. Dad’s bringing me there today,” I explained. “Trey?” 

“So what if it is?” 

“Then what are you?” He thought silently for a while as we stood under
the dark skies in each others arms. “A soul looking for his other 
half,” he finally replied. 

“How did it happen?” I pried further. 

“Your Dad told you how it did,” he said rigidly. 

“Then what are we in now?” He sighed into my hair and stroked it slowly.
“Your dreams,” he answered and kissed me deeply until we felt the first 
drops of rain hitting our skins. All of a sudden, the drizzle turned 
into a torrid downpour, soaking us through in mere seconds. He was 
edging away from me, one step at a time. “I have to go,” he informed 
me. 

“Where?” 

“You don’t need to know,” he replied. “You have to wake up.” 

And I did. 

*** 

It was pouring during the drive to New York. It had been a dreadful
summer especially with the unpredictable showers that came almost once 
a week. It was just a dream. I must have dozed at the back seat of 
Dad’s Range Rover and had dreamt of a rendezvous with Trey at an 
unidentifiable edge of the cliff. Even though it might have been just a 
dream, I could still taste him on my lips and his scent was had 
enveloped me. Calista was sitting at the front seat while Dad was 
driving. Asides from talking to me, the tension between them was still 
thick and I was guessing that they both had not talked over the burst 
out she had with him about returning to Rhode Island. The car was 
silent, except for the sounds of the raindrops hitting the roof of the 
car. No wonder I fell asleep. It had been dead boring ever since we 
left the house. 

“Hey sleeping beauty,” Calista teased and climbed over the gear stick to
sit next to me. “How’s the nap?” 

“Bittersweet,” I replied without thinking. What did he mean by
unconventional? From now on, I would be seeing him only when I was 
asleep? And was it possible for a person to sleep twenty-four hours per 
day? If there was such thing, I would sign up for it as dreaming meant 
that I would be with him; forever. The idea appealed to me. “Ah, it 
must be the weather,” Calista stated. “Derryck’s been calling none stop 
to ask me to return to Providence,” she said, half whispering so Dad 
couldn’t hear our conversation. I didn’t think she had to worry though 
as in weather as horrible as this, Dad really had to concentrate on the 
road. “Good for you,” I told her, although that was not how I was 
feeling. Was it fair for her to talk all about her boyfriend when we 
were on the way to visit the grave of my supposedly deceased boyfriend? 
I closed my eyes, ignoring her chatters and pictured Trey’s face. The 
first thing that came to mind was his natural hairstyle that was a 
change from last time. I imagined running my fingers through his hair, 
smelling of the sweet fragrant of his shampoo mixed with a little 
styling wax. Then I would trace his jaws, which had light stubble that 
tickled me. If one would ask what his best features were, I would say 
his eyes. They were intense brown with long dark lashes that needed no 
amount of mascara at all to be highlighted. Was it reasonable for god 
to create guys with that kind of naturalness when girls always had to 
enhance ours with cosmetics? His eyes were the steamy kind that could 
make me tingle with just one glance. It was as though he could see 
right through my clothes.... Oh, it just made me hot. 

His body was another perfection. It was lean and muscular but not too
bulky. Then there was his tattoo on his arms with some kind of tribal 
design that he created himself. Trey was about a head taller which 
complemented me because when I tilted my head up, our lips would just 
meet instantly. I missed him so much. 

Calista did not even notice that I had no been paying attention to her.
She was talking about watching a live performance of her boyfriend’s 
band. And speaking about artist, did I mention about the wonderful 
pictures that Trey could draw? He could create wonders with just a 
pencil and paper and I was the kind of person that had a hard time 
drawing stick people. How could he have everything in one package? Life 
was so unfair at times, with some people acquiring more talents than 
others. He could be the male version of Calista, so accomplished yet in 
a different way. He was never the kind to try and sell his pictures. He 
was secretive that way. His art was for himself, not for others to 
admire. I had once said that Trey did not come from a well off family 
so he had never tried experimenting with other forms of art such as 
watercolors and the rest. He just did not have the resources or the 
space to do that. But I knew that if he had, he could come out with 
pieces that could rival Leonardo Da Vinci or Picasso. He could start a 
whole new art movement, called Trey-ism. And I would buy every single 
painting of it and hung it all over my room and my house. 

I had also said before that being with him was not like being with other
guys. Our dates were not the typical ones with fancy dinners, movies or 
whatever. We did those things at times but all we loved to do was to 
explore the queer bits of Manhattan and tried of different ways to 
satisfy our cravings for adrenaline. We tried once, breaking into 
someone’s windows and to just walk out of the door. It was quite 
challenging as the house we broke into, owned two big dogs that managed 
to tear off a huge chunk of my jeans and the skin of his right calf. 
That was stupid, we knew that but it was also fun and exciting. Trying 
to do things where we could get away with. Which also explained why 
during the years that I dated him, Dad had to come down to the police 
station quite a number of times. It was just too good to resist. 

“Hello,” Calista called out, waving her hand in front of my face. “Are
you even listening to me?” She pouted and crossed her arms in front of 
her chest. “Honestly Cal, I’m not,” I replied without taking concern of 
her feelings. 

“Why not?” she insisted. 

“Because, we are on our way to visit the grave of my boyfriend and
you’re rubbing it in my face about yours that is still alive,” I hissed 
and flung myself back in the seat. “So, you finally admitted,” she 
answered coolly and smiled victoriously to herself. 

“Admitted about what?” 

“That Trey’s dead,” she supplied and I guarded up. “I....I...I never
said that!” I sputtered. She placed a hand on my arm, nodding. “It’s 
okay to let go, Rhian.” 

“Let go?” I shrieked, earning a shushing from Dad whose eyes never left
the road. 

“Do you believe us now that Trey’s dead?” Calista asked, blinking her
deep blue eyes curiously at me. 

“No!” I told her. “Of course not...” Then I remembered about the dream I
had earlier. “I don’t know....” 

“Honey, it’s okay to be confuse,” she soothed me. “You’ve been through a
lot the past year.” I processed about what she had said. When I read in 
news, I never could comprehend it in my mind that a person could lose 
his or her memory after an accident. It was just so bizarre and to me, 
things like that could only happen to people that lived far, far away 
from me. But now, it was occurring to me. Dad and Calista had told 
tales of an event that I had lived through and I could not recall a 
single thing about it. Yeah, sure I had a few images that kept popping 
into my head that might be connected to what Dad had told me but other 
than that, I still did not want to believe that such terrible thing had 
taken place, grabbing away from me the one person I loved most. Could 
this all be true? Was he really, really gone? 

I really was talking in circles now. One moment, I felt that as though I
had accepted that his dead but a few minutes later, I would switch back 
to thinking that he was still out and alive somewhere. And all this was 
just one big nightmare that I would eventually wake up from. Where was 
I standing? Was he or was he not dead? What was the definition of death 
anyway? When one’s heart stopped beating and they could not function 
anymore like a regular human being? If that was it, Trey was definitely 
not dead. I fell in love not with a human being. I fell in love with 
his soul and I knew that his soul was somewhere out there looking out 
for me and insisting that we still be together no matter what other 
people might view us. Call me crazy, I wouldn’t give a damn care. If he 
really was dead as other people viewed him, we would still be together 
in the Netherworld. “Calista, can we not talk about this?” I pleaded, 
feeling extremely exhausted. This whole thing had been taking a toll on 
me and I had insomnia for the past couple of days. I wished Calista 
could prescribe me some sleeping pills so that I could take a break 
just for a moment. “Yeah, I guess,” she replied. “Do you miss New 
York?” She watched the roads passing by with a wistful look on her 
face. 

Do I miss New York? I pondered over her question, chewing my thumb nail.
New York. Whenever someone asked me about New York, I did not thought 
of the famous landmarks, the great shops that I had pounded on, the 
busy streets, the awesome penthouse that I lived in, the small cafés 
that I loved to visit. I did not thought of all that although I adored 
going to those places. I thought of him. How typical was I? New York 
was just a place overwhelmed with memories of him. Which I was kind of 
relief that I was living in Blu Creek now as it would be harder to 
control myself if I had to walk down the very streets where he and I 
would hold hands and just wander about with no destination in mind. New 
York to me was a magical haven where he and I had wonderful times 
together. But like holidays, revisiting a place where one had fun the 
last time didn’t guarantee that it would be the same the second time 
round. “New York? I’m not sure. I don’t think that’s what I’m missing,” 
I told her truthfully. 

“I miss New York,” Calista breathed. 

“What do you remember most of it?” I inquired. 

“Our childhood memories,” she answered in a snap. “The times when it’s
just us. The picnics, the shopping, the chats at the cafés. All of 
that.” Calista and I did spend a lot of time together and that was 
because Dad was away for weeks at a time on his business trips so we 
owned the house. We would go shopping and waste a whole day doing 
nothing but try on one clothes after another. Then we would go for 
lunch at a nice restaurant and order ridiculously expensive meals that 
at times, we could not even eat since some of them tasted so bad. “We 
don’t have much time now,” she added a little sadly. 

“That’s because we’re not living in the same state for almost nine
months a year,” I stated. She shrugged. “I know. How I wish you live at 
Providence,” she sighed. “Then you can come with me and see the gigs 
that he played.” I smiled faintly at her. “How about Josh? Do you miss 
him?” I asked, referring to her ex-boyfriend. I had lost her. She had 
that faraway look in her eyes. “I thought of him a lot when I had that 
fight with Derryck,” she revealed softly. “I wondered how it will be 
like if I was still with him.” She paused for a moment, probably 
waiting for me to say something. “And how do you think it will be 
like?” I prompted. 

“The first thing that came in mind was my senior prom. He was my date
and we looked perfect together. Then I recalled of him proposing that 
we try applying to same colleges even though we would be majoring in 
different aspects. I was madly in love with him then but the thought of 
ending up at the same colleges was scary. I knew he wanted to get into 
Harvard badly since his Dad was an alumnus so I secretly threw away my 
application to Harvard and told him that I mailed it. There was a high 
chance that I would get into Harvard and although it was one of the 
greatest schools, I didn’t think that it would be that great if my 
entire future had already been decided. I love him, I really did but I 
wanted to know what else was out there.” 

“So when we found out that we got to different colleges, he was
devastated. I pretended that I threw away the rejection letter the 
moment I received it; out of agony. He never suspected that I didn’t 
get one cos I never sent them my application. He said that he would try 
to ask for transfer to Brown but I told him that I did not want him to 
upset his dad and pointed out how important Harvard was to his dad. He 
only agreed when I promised that we would carry on what we had through 
college. And we would get married after that,” she shivered. “How could 
he talk about all that? We were only eighteen! It was a lot easier when 
we moved here. It meant that I we would be separated faster than we 
expected. I was like a bird released from the small, tight cage. I 
could breathe again. I went out on dates with a few guys when I started 
school but I still kept in contact with him over the phone. He kept 
suggesting for us to meet up but with our stressful majors, it was hard 
to find a huge chunk of time. Sometimes we would not talk for two weeks 
and he would keep apologizing for not being so busy but I did not care. 
It was a good thing that he didn’t. It made me feel less guilty.” 

“When did you make the break up official?” 

“After my first date with Derryck,” she declared. “I was so attracted to
him!” Her face grew dreamy and she blushed. “I called Josh and told him 
it was over. He wanted to know why and blamed it on our time apart but 
that wasn’t the reason although I made him believe that that was it. I 
knew the moment when I decided against going to same college; it wasn’t 
going to work with us.” 

“So how’s it like being with Derryck then?” 

She grinned. “It was different. It was relaxed and carefree. We talked
about his band, sometimes about my course. There was no guarantee what 
will happen the next day. Every date was exciting and unique. He did 
not tie me down, you know. I have the option to just be crazy. It was 
relaxing since it was so stressful at school.” All this while, we were 
talking in hushed tone and we were confirmed that Dad couldn’t hear a 
snitch of our conversation. “After I called you that night, I dialed 
his number and Josh answered it. But I chickened out and hung up 
instead. I just wanted somebody to console me and I knew he could give 
me that. I just got nervous.” I nodded, understanding what she was 
saying. For most of her life, everyone that knew us well enough 
expected Calista to be perfect. To be the one that excelled well in 
school and would make Dad proud. And she had somehow lived up to that 
expectation. She had perfect grades, a boyfriend that Dad approved off, 
an awesome future to look ahead to. But the grass always seemed greener 
on the other side. Derryck had no expectations of her. He just accepted 
her without putting pressure on her. He freed her. And that was why she 
fell like a ton of bricks with him. “Then Derryck came back and I 
decided to give him another chance. And once he kissed me, I forgot all 
about Josh. It was crazy for me to think that I can return back to what 
I had with Josh. I did not want that,” she said determinedly. 

“Is this what you want? This kind of relationship with Derryck?” I asked
her. 

She gave me a sideways glance. “What do you mean?” 

“You know what I mean,” I replied. 

She bit her lower lip. “He’s great. He’s cute, he’s sexy, and he’s fun.
But it seemed that I have to constantly fight for his adoration. I’m 
afraid that once I turn away, his attention will move to someone else.” 


“What about the girl you caught him with?” 

“He claimed that she was just a friend. He got drunk and she kissed him
and he didn’t stop it,” she told me and immediately covered her face 
with her hands. “I’m making excuses, aren’t I?” 

I nodded. “A little bit.” 

“Even you think so! I thought you would understand of all people,” she
claimed. I looked at her, confused. “Why me?” 

“Trey isn’t exactly a nice guy,” Calista announced. “In fact by the way
you used to talk about him, he seemed a lot like Derryck.” I scowled at 
her. “Derryck is nothing like Trey,” I affirmed. “In fact, they are 
like polar opposites.” 

“You think if you bring Trey home, Dad will welcome him with open arms?”
Calista challenged. 

“At least I don’t have to keep one eye on him every single second,” I
shot back and her stare faltered. Her face fell and I immediately 
regretted what I said. “Cal, I’m sorry. I don’t mean it that way.” 

“Yes, you do. You think I’m stupid. Just like the rest of my friends.
They had no idea why I would give Derryck a second chance,” she said 
softly. “Once a cheater, always a cheater; they claimed. But I really 
believe that he won’t hurt me anymore.” I touched her hand and shook 
her head. “Calista, I’m going to be really honest with you. I know 
you’re working hard to make your relationship with him work but it 
really sounds like you’re the only one that is trying. He’s obviously 
not ready to be with just you only. Just like you feel suffocated by 
being with Josh. If you’re looking for a long time thing, he’s not the 
one,” I advised. 

“I know,” she admitted. “I know that. But I like him so much.” 

“And the reason you do is because he’s so different than you. Opposites
do attracts but it never guaranteed that it’ll work for a long period,” 
I declared. “You don’t feel the security you hoped for, so why carry 
on?” 

“You’re the one to talk,” she teased with a glint of mischief. She
shrugged and we dropped the subject as I saw a sign welcoming us into 
New York. We were not in Manhattan. We were at the upstate of New York 
when Dad made a turn into a small town. “Where are we going? This is 
not Manhattan,” I pointed out the obvious to him. It was only drizzling 
now. “He’s not buried in Manhattan, Rhian,” Dad explained. “I helped 
with his burial arrangement and I feel that it’s better for it to not 
be in the city. It’s much peaceful here.” Dad was the one that made 
arrangements? “What did his family say?” I inquired. 

“His parents didn’t say much especially after I offered to pay for
everything,” Dad replied. That was not very surprising actually. His 
father was a raging gambler and his mother was sober only a few minutes 
each day. Basically, he came from a very disruptive family. He had an 
older brother, Gary, which Trey had no idea where Gary was since Gary 
was running away from the authorities. Apparently Gary had stabbed a 
police officer before. “Are we getting close?” 

“It’s right next to the church,” Dad said and pointed the church out to
me. “ 

“He’s an atheist,” I muttered and received a disapproving glance from
Dad. Although Dad was never considered as a religious person, he did 
try his best to be respectful to what I could only describe as the 
Higher Power. He wanted to get into the good books with the people 
upstairs. “I think you’ll find this place really nice,” Dad announced, 
pulling up at the side of the road. There was a gravel path leading up 
to the church’s entrance. “We are going to see a grave, not a bed and 
breakfast,” I pointed out, getting out of the car. Dad took hold of my 
arm firmly. “Rhian, I know you don’t believe any of this but the least 
you can do is to try and be respectful. You don’t mess with this kind 
of things,” Dad warned me. I rolled my eyes and walked up the gravel 
path in the drizzling rain. Our arrival was greeted by a guy dressed 
smartly. He looked like a priest, except that he wasn’t dressed in 
black robes. He was still young, probably the age of Calista. So young 
and so committed to something. I shook my head in disbelief. “Father 
John is in a meeting,” the guy informed after greeting us. “He’ll be 
out in a moment.” 

“That’s great news but all I want is to see Trey’s grave,” I told him
and received a slight smile from the guy. “Come, I’ll show you the 
way.” Dad entered the church while Calista and I followed the guy 
around the side of the church to the expansive cemetery tucked behind 
the church. “It’s still too early for visitors here,” he noted as he 
unlocked the metal gate. The gate creaked as he swung it open and I 
took in the sight of hundreds of gravestones and the smell of wet 
grass. The rain was coming to an end. “I notice you’re not coming to 
mourn,” he said, motioning towards my casual attire. 

“She’s denying some things,” Calista informed the guy. I was not dressed
in black, so what? Who said black had to be the depressing color? What 
if the color orange made me depressed? Then I would go to the funeral 
in orange. “That’s very common if you have just lost a loved one,” the 
guy expressed. He led the way to the back of the cemetery where I guess 
the more recent ones were placed. Trey’s grave was tucked right at the 
very corner of the cemetery, away from the rest and I wondered why. 
There were newer ones up front but his was not amongst them. “Why is he 
placed here?” I inquired as we approached the grave. 

“Mostly the ones buried here are the people in town. Some of them booked
lots to be buried next to their family members that have passed away 
and since he’s not actually from here, we decided that it will be 
better for the people in this town if he was buried at a place that 
won’t disrupt the families here,” the guy explained. 

“So you saying that he’s an outsider?” I accused. “Because I thought
after death, we are all an equal. There’s no longer the hierarchy.” The 
guy stared straight into my eyes. “I don’t mean that. It is not a 
problem to your father anyway.” I flinched at his glance, feeling 
uneasy. I bent down and read the tombstone and with each passing word, 
I felt the high walls that I had built beginning to crumble. I could 
not cry right now. Not in front of this obnoxious guy whom I did not 
give a damn care if he already had a straight ticket to heaven. Simply 
scripted onto the stone was: 

Trey Jeremy Conner 

1987-2006 

Rest in Peace 

That was all. No loving memories, beloved person, nothing. So bloody
simple yet so freakishly cruel at the same time. I ran my fingers 
across the letterings and it was hard to make sense that I might be 
standing in front of my boyfriend’s grave. That his body might be 
buried just few feet beneath me. I sat on the damp soil and rested my 
head against the headstone and my eyes began to water. I couldn’t 
believe that it was actually true. His name was there. He was buried 
there. My head dropped from the headstone to the grass on the top of 
his grave. I did not give a shit that my face was dirty. I just 
couldn’t care anymore. 

*** 

“How do you think of my new bed?” Trey asked, leaning against the trunk
of the tree that was a feet away from his grave. One of his legs was 
propped onto the trunk and he was giving me a crooked smile of his, 
where one side of his mouth was looped higher than the other. I lifted 
my head off the grass, feeling it staining my skin and gawked at him. 
“You think this is funny, Trey Conner?” I fumed and hugged my knees. He 
slid his foot down slowly and sat on the ground next to me. “Hey,” he 
said, nudging me with a finger. “It’s a nice town. Quiet near to Blu 
Creek,” he tried to joke about it but it was making me even more upset. 


“I guess they are telling the truth,” I whispered and shook my head as
it was pounding real badly. “You are...” I couldn’t say the word, not 
in front of him. “Dead?” he uttered the word for me. “Not in here,” he 
declared, poking at my heart. “I’m still active in spirit.” I shook my 
head furiously again. “You think this is easy to comprehend?” I 
growled. “Why don’t you just leave me alone for a minute so that I can 
be miserable?” He shrugged and pretended to look away but I caught him 
peeking at me at the corner of his eyes. 

“I said go away,” I insisted which was probably not a good thing since
if he left, it was impossible for me to get in touch with him. “You 
know you can cry on my shoulder,” he consoled, pulling me to him. I 
shrugged him off. “I can’t.” 

“You always cried on my shoulders,” he pointed out. 

“I know but it was never about you!” I answered. “You can’t just go
complaining and sobbing to the same person that caused you the grief.” 
His fingers crept up my back, tickling me. “Yes you can, because it’s 
me. You can tell me anything,” he comforted and his arm went around my 
waist, holding me tight and securely. “Trey, I wished it wasn’t true. I 
wished so badly that it wasn’t. I just want things to be easier. I 
can’t help thinking that it’s much better when things were like usual 
and we could hang out in public together. And when other girls’ see 
you, they’ll know that you are mine. I just can’t help myself. I want 
to be with you all the time. I want to go places with you. I want to 
hold you like this forever and I want people to see how we adore each 
other. I want to go to Starbucks with you and see you devour that 
cheesecake that you loved so much in a matter of seconds. I want to 
slip into other people’s apartment with you when they are having 
dinner, only to feel the adrenaline of having to rush out of their 
doors before they could catch us. I want to sneak into buildings and 
steal people’s mails and read their personal letters. I want to...I 
want to listen to you come up with new ideas and talk me into pulling 
that prank off with you. I want to trash Blu Creek with you. I want 
you....I want you to be alive,” I confessed to him. “I don’t want it to 
be this way. It’s just too hard for me. People think I’m crazy, that 
I’m making things up. I know you said that I shouldn’t care about other 
people but I’m just a little bit too uptight to just ignore the looks 
that Calista and Dad had been giving me. I knew that the both of them 
had never approved of me going out with you back then but at least it 
made sense. I was just rebelling against them. But now, it’s like I’m 
rebelling with my sanity.” I scanned his face as he sat intently, 
processing each word that I said. His expression was unmistakable. He 
felt betrayed. “I’m such a horrible person,” I cried. “I wanted to be 
with you but I only want the easy way.” 

“Hey, hey,” he began and kissed my forehead. “Don’t call yourself that.”
Our eyes met and I noticed how sad he was. He was just as upset as I 
was. His dark eyes had lost its twinkle that it always had and I could 
see them watering a little bit but he blinked them away. “Rhian, you’re 
the most wonderful girl that I have ever known and I’m deeply in love 
with you. I just want us to be together, you understand? I thought we 
our relationship is strong enough to go on even though we are not in 
the same form anymore. I just want us to try....” He sighed. “But if 
it’s too hard for you to make sense of, I can understand you. It’s 
selfish of me to ask you to try and make sense of something that is 
ridiculous to any normal human’s mind. I’ll leave you alone from now on 
then,” he supposed, trembling a bit when he said those words. I did 
something that I thought I never would. Not in front of him. Nothing 
that I thought I would do especially just seconds after he uttered 
those words of separation to me. I breathed a sigh of relief. He 
noticed it and this time round, tears trickled down his cheeks. He had 
let me go and I was grateful of that. The only reason I hung on that 
tightly was because I really loved him and I did not want to disappoint 
him. But it was too much for me to handle, and what Calista said 
earlier made sense to me. I was released. Even though I was reluctant 
to fly out of the cage because it was such a great place for me to be 
in. “Trey, I’m really sorry. I thought I was strong enough to try this 
out. I thought I really was but turned out I’m just like any other 
human being. I couldn’t accept the things that were beyond my 
understanding,” I apologised. “I’m narrow-minded,” I admitted. “I’m 
shallow and superficial. I’m not as great as you think I am. Trey....” 
I was crying as I cradled his sobbing form. I knew it was the last time 
I would be seeing him ever; in person, in spirit form and in my dreams. 
It was hard to let go. It was hard to end it. It was heart-breaking and 
heart-wrenching and all the other words associated with a miserable 
break up. I did not know whom it was harder for; I or he but I was 
guessing that it might be him. He was the one who stood strong while I 
crumbled under the pressure and opted for the easy way out like I 
always did. I was weak, I was pathetic. Deep, deep, deep, deep down, I 
was a normal human being that was afraid of my own fears and could not 
confront them. 

I had come to a crossroads in my life. Throughout the journey, there
were always two roads but I kept going on one way because at the other 
way, there was a barrier, preventing me from going that line. But now, 
the barrier had been removed as I finally admitted that I couldn’t go 
on the same road forever. I had to be realistic about it. And frankly I 
was little selfish. I picked convenience and that totally crushed the 
sacred of the love I shared with him. I was ready to take that road and 
I had to bid farewell to the other side as there might never be another 
chance that I would travel there again. 

I lifted his head from my heaving chest and initiated the kiss. It was
salty with all our tears and yet it was bitter because we knew it was 
the last one that we would share. 

I could never feel his lips on mine again. I could never see his face in
front of mine. I could never catch that grin he saved for me. I could 
never feel him caressing my skin. I could never hold him like this 
again. I could never share anything with him ever again. I could never 
feel the leather against my cheeks. I could never ruffle his dark brown 
hair. I could never rant out my frustrations to him. I could never make 
trouble with him. I could never make love with him again. I could never 
hear his voice calling my name. I could never hear him telling me how 
much he loved me. I could never feel all the tingly feeling I had just 
by him checking me out. I could never....I could never forget Trey. I 
could never meet another guy like him. And I was sure that I could 
never find another love like this. Ever. We both had to let go. Our 
kiss ended and I wanted to pull back everything I said. I would give us 
a second chance! I wanted to yell it out to him but those words could 
not leave my mouth. “Rhian, I love you,” he told me. 

“I love you too, you know that don’t you?” I asked and he nodded sadly.
“Trey...” 

“Don’t,” he stopped me. “Don’t say it unless you mean it with all your
heart. I cannot go through this twice if it will end with you changing 
your mind again.” 

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. 

“I know you are. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out,” he said. “You’ll go
on to do great things just like we had planned. Promise me that?” I 
nodded, still sobbing. I was a watery mess. “Trey...” 

“Don’t, Rhian,” he warned me. “Don’t say it.” 

“Where are you going?” I asked. 

“I don’t know. I don’t know where I am. I’m just as confused as you are
but I tried, to be with you. I don’t know where it’ll lead to after 
this,” he choked out. 

“Would you...” 

He shook his head. “I don’t think so. I want you to move on and I want
to move on too. Seeing you will make it all harder than it is now. I’ve 
got to go, Rhian,” he declared, standing up. “They are waiting for 
you,” he told me. 

“Please, don’t,” I begged, taking a handful of his jeans, pulling him
back. “I can’t do it! I’m sorry for whatever I said. Don’t go, Trey! 
Stay with me. I’ll change my mind about all this! I love you! I can’t 
live without you. I.......” He kneeled down in front of me and his hand 
slipped into a pocket from his black leather jacket. “Time won’t make 
things like this different, Rhian. Even after a month, a year or more, 
it won’t change the fact that I can be with you in a normal way. Here, 
I want you to have this.” He took out a velvet jewelry box and snapped 
it open. “I thought of not giving it to you.” It was a simple white 
gold band which he slipped onto my ring finger. “It’s beautiful,” I 
gasped despite what was going on. “Where did you get it?” 

“I saved up for it. I was going to give it to you the day I died but I
was so convinced that I can still see you after I sent you back to the 
penthouse. It was too late then,” he said bitterly. “I have one,” he 
told me. “See.” He took an exact same one right out of another pocket. 
“Stupid huh? I thought of eloping with you that night. I had the rings 
ready.” He blinked and looked upwards feeling as though he had done a 
dumb thing when in fact it was the most amazing sentiment he had done. 
“Trey,” I trembled. “They are waiting, Rhian. You have to wake up now.” 
He pecked me on my cheek, wiped it and vanished. 

*** 

It was too bright. My eyes blinked open and I was lying on a church
bench with a cushion resting on top of my head. “Oh, god,” Calista 
cried and hugged me immediately. “You passed out again, Rhian,” she 
explained without the need for me to ask. “Have you eaten anything at 
all for the past few days?” I shook my head and fiddled for something 
on my left finger. The ring was there. It really was true. It was just 
not my subconscious mind. Our souls really did interact with one 
another. “Cal,” I weeped and flung my arms around her neck. “He’s 
gone,” I sobbed. “He’s really gone. I won’t see him anymore. He’s not 
coming back. He really left me alone in this world.” 

“There, there,” she soothed, stroking my hair but at the same time
crying. My heart was shattering and my knees were shaking so hard that 
I could not stand. I tried to but I wobbled, causing Calista to crash 
down with me. I was crumpled on the floor and the guy had to carry me 
and placed me back on the bench. “Get her some food,” a man in black 
robes ordered and he gave me some water. I was guessing it was holy 
water since it was very accessible but I don’t believe in that kind of 
thing. The guy came running with a sandwich and Calista handed it into 
my face, her eyes saying that none of them would move until I finish 
the entire thing in front of their eyes. The taste was like eating 
styrofoam but as soon as I had to swallow it, the bits turned into tiny 
nails, poking my throat as it slid down. I could not stand in so I 
threw up on their feet, causing each one of them to recoil back a few 
steps. “I’m so sorry,” I gasped and I had to clean myself up. I was in 
a mess as Calista guided me to the restroom. “You’re really sick, 
Rhian. Let’s ask Dad to take you to a doctor,” she suggested as I 
washed my face. She had to literally hold on to me so that I would not 
fall over. 

As we walked back to where Dad and the others were, I could hear the man
in black robes advising Dad to send me to counseling so that I could 
control my grief better. Dad mumbled something which was I could not 
hear as he was really a professional at keeping his voice low. Some 
sort of business expertise I guess. 

“She’s clearly in trouble, Dylan,” the man in black robes claimed. “She
needs a lot of help and support from you.” Dad caught us approaching 
them from the corner of his eyes and he stood up real quick. “I think 
we should head back home,” Dad announced and I agreed. We walked slowly 
towards the car as the man in black robes and the guy from before 
trailed behind. “Thanks,” Dad said to the man in black robes, shaking 
his hand. I caught the eye of the guy and he nodded at me. I shrugged 
slightly and he walked up to me, pressing a piece of paper into my 
hand. “If you just need someone to talk to, just call me...” Here was 
the part where I should say my name but I just stood frozen. Calista 
cut in and offered my name. “Rhian, her name’s Rhian.” 

“Thanks, Calista,” he smiled. “My name’s Mike.” I crumpled the paper and
stuffed it into the pocket of my jeans. I didn’t give a second thought 
about it as I slipped into the back of Dad’s car and rested my head 
against the windows, leaving Trey’s grave behind me. Dad started the 
engine and I realized that I had to visit him one last time. “Wait,” I 
pleaded and got out of the car. 

“Rhian,” Calista called out behind me but I was sprinting away to his
grave. I stood in front of his grave and read the inscription on last 
time. Placing my fingers to my lips, I kissed them and ran them over 
the headstone. “Goodbye, Trey. I love you,” I whispered and walked 
away. And I could swore that the wind that cam after that was him 
hugging me and bidding his goodbye as well. 

*** 

Chapter 10: Why Am I Hiding? 

I had no left my room for seven days since I visited his grave. I had
locked myself in and the only person that was allowed to enter was 
Calista and that if she had some food for me to stuff into my face. But 
the food was useless. I could barely swallow a few bites before I ran 
to the bathroom and hurled whatever content that was in my stomach. My 
hair was limp and I knew I was a horrible sight to look at but I did 
not care. I was wallowing in self pity and I could not stop fiddling 
with the band around my finger. It made me feel so close to him 
although he had not been present in any of my dreams. I had slept a 
lot, forcing my eyes to shut close but in my dreams, I saw a girl 
crying and that was all. There was no one comforting her, no one that 
could reach out to her. No one that could understand. And I knew that 
the girl was me. I was broken and the only comfort I get was when I 
recalled of memories with him. I would scroll through the channels on 
the television and songs on the radio just swept by unless it was a 
weepy song that reminded me of him. 

Then I would begin tearing up, and my cries would grow louder. The
entire mansion would be filled with echoes of my mourning and Calista 
would knock on my door, begging me to let her in. I would just continue 
bawling and bawling until I was too exhausted and I would fell asleep. 
I had dizzy spells and twice I collapsed while shuffling to the 
bathroom. Calista couldn’t help me, nobody could. Dad had even pleaded 
to be let inside but I refused and he didn’t try using the key this 
time. He must have known that even though he got one step on the 
bridge, he could never fight the troll that was lurking underneath it. 
Even my beloved FRIENDS collections couldn’t salvage me of the misery I 
was in. The one episode that I had been watching over and over was when 
Ross and Rachel broke up; The One With The Morning After. I cried along 
with the show, knowing well the emotions the characters were feeling. 
Except theirs were just acting while mine was real. I would stare out 
the window for hours, picturing him sauntering down the street and 
climbing into my room. At times, I tried to imagine that he was really 
that but there was always something that was amiss. I closed my eyes 
and he was in a yellow shirt which was not possible as he only wore 
dark colors. Then I would try again but the person who met me was 
blond. And that was not him. No matter what, I could not imagine of a 
perfect him in a perfect setting with me. 

I tried to recall bits of his form and sometimes, my mind went blank. I
would forget a part of his tattoo. And there was a scar on the side of 
his eyebrows but was it on the left or the right? It was as though my 
mental image of him was wiped out of my memory by accident. I could no 
longer see the images that I had described to Shane. All I saw was 
swirls now and it made me dizzy that my head throbbed. Text messages on 
my cell phone were ignored and I did not pick up the calls that came 
through. I was even tempted to flush my phone down the toilet but I 
just couldn’t. There were some saved messages that were from Trey which 
dated almost three years back. Those were the messages he typed for my 
birthday or our anniversary and some to just say goodnight to me. I 
would scroll through my phone and read those messages. Then I would 
flip my phone shut and pressed my head against my pillow. Being with 
him was hard, but not being with him was even harder. So why did I 
choose the alternative? I dared not answer the question and I knew that 
there was no way I could turn back time. 

I tried to read to keep my mind occupied but the books that I had just
made me even more depressed. My favorite book was The Notebook by 
Nicholas Sparks, one of the best books that were ever created but the 
story made me bawled and I thought about him even more. I would then 
fling the book aside and......I was running out of things to do in my 
room. I had already changed the color of my nails at least twenty times 
with my eyes clouded with tears and that caused the color to smear 
against my skin. 

I was in a state of destruction. 

There was a way for me to be with him. I had to die. That was the only
way we could be together. I have said before that life was meaningless 
without him so why should I continue living in misery. What was so 
terrible about death? In fact, it sounded really appealing. But I was 
too chicken to try it out. Why was I born to be such a wimp? The idea 
of physically hurting myself was just too disturbing for me. 

But I had to try so I opened the drawer and took out a penknife. I sat
on the floor and slid the blade up. The metal was cold against my skin 
as I pressed the flat part on my wrist. I turned it over and swallowed 
deeply. I closed my eyes and pressed the tips of the knife into my skin 
and flinched. It hurt a little bit but not as bad as the way I was 
hurting inside. I dug a little deeper and I saw deep crimson blood 
oozing out. It gave me goosebumps and I couldn’t hide the grin on my 
face. I ran the tip across, making a straight line. Blood was dripping 
onto my bare thighs now as I proceeded to make a second cut. This time 
round, I moved up my arm. 

I carved Trey’s name onto my skin, this one a lot horrible than my
perfectly designed tattoo on my back. It gave me the chills to see his 
name. I had no idea how long I had been slashing myself. I felt alive 
and at the same time, I felt like a psycho. The blood were staining my 
white carpeted floor and the puddle grew bigger and bigger as I went to 
make from one cut to another. I must have lost so much blood but it was 
fun to see that I had power over something. “Rhian?” Calista rapped my 
door. “Someone’s here to see you,” she announced. 

I did not want to see anybody right now. I was in a game of my own and I
was enjoying it. I could entertain myself this way. I needed no help 
from anybody. “Rhian, I need you to open the door now,” Calista 
instructed and banged harder. “Are you there?” 

“I think she’s asleep,” Calista said to someone. There was a familiar
voice that replied to her. I dropped the penknife and my mind 
triggered. Every one was right. I was sick. I had been delighted upon 
cutting myself and seeing blood flowing from the cuts that I have 
caused onto my soft skin. I rushed up to the door and it burst open. 
Calista was escorting the guest to the door. I ran towards the stairs 
and saw him. I could talk to him. He was my very own psychiatrist. 
“Wait,” I called out and both of them turned. They had shocked 
expressions on their face and I knew it was because of my bloody arms 
that were still fresh and dripping. Shane was the one that sprinted up 
the stairs and cradled my arms, in the process, staining his white 
T-shirt. “Shane,” I whispered his name. “He’s really dead. And he left 
me all alone.” I hugged him and was glad that he did not brace away 
from me. Calista was screaming about taking me to the emergency room. 
“I’m fine,” I insisted. 

“No, you’re not,” he insisted. “You need to clean these wounds. You’re
losing a lot of blood.” I staggered a little and immediately, Shane had 
me in his arms. He carried me down the stairs and instructed Calista to 
drive to the E.R. He was next to me at the back seat of my beloved Mini 
Cooper and I was staining the white leather that I had requested during 
the purchase. There were no other options. Calista’s car was a 
two-seater. “Hey, you’re going to be fine,” he assured me, stroking my 
hair. I was trembling, not because of the sore from the cuts but 
because of what the doctor would think of me when he saw what I had 
done to myself. I was ashamed and I was a coward. “I can’t go there,” I 
whispered. 

“You have to!” Calista insisted, racing the car through the streets of
Blu Creek. The medical center was up ahead. “Don’t, they’ll put me in a 
psych ward!” I begged the two of them but I knew they were not going to 
relent. I had gone a wee bit too far as to trying to harm myself and I 
could hear Calista cursing herself although it was under her breath. I 
could not help but stare at amazement at the cuts. There were still 
blood flowing out and how much blood could I lose before I pass out? I 
had been fainting frequently for the past few days that it was like an 
old blanket by then. Calista braked at the area where only ambulances 
were allowed to park and the two of them rushed me in, shouting for 
doctors. My head was light and I was floating and the only thing I 
could think of was that I was going to Trey. 

“We’ll always be together,” I heard his voice calm and steady. Shane’s
face was the last thing I saw as I closed my eyes and smiled. 

*** 

How was it possible that the hospital was empty? Where were the doctors,
the nurses and the other patients? I was all alone, wearing a hospital 
gown as I wandered down the wards where I used to volunteer. There was 
a creep eeriness that surrounded me as I called out to anybody that 
could hear me. 

“Rhian,” I heard Trey’s voice calling me from one of the rooms. I tried
to follow where his voice was floating from but when I was so sure that 
that was the room, there were only empty beds. The beds were made, 
fresh and ready for the next patient. “Over here,” the voice came again 
and I followed it but received the same results. “Here, silly,” he 
teased me and I was running amuck, peeking into each room to find him. 

“No, here,” he lured me into another ward. One where I had never been to
before. It was an ICU. But still, it was empty, there was no one 
around. Just me and a whole lot of hospital equipments that were still 
running. I could hear beeping and ringing so loud that they hurt my 
ears. I clamped my ears shut and ran out of the place but his voice 
kept calling me back to him. “Please,” I begged. “Stop.” I sat at a 
corner, trying to block out all the chaotic noise when a scene unfolded 
in front of my very eyes. 

Nurses and doctors were rushing about, yelling things about bullets and
X-rays. There were scalpels and tins were clicking. All the people 
present were wearing masks and I realized that I was in scrubs as well. 
One of them came up to me and handed me a tray filled with pointy 
things that could dig out my eyeballs in an instant. “Here, doctor,” 
the female said to me. I accepted it and she led to the operating table 
where there was a body. All eyes were on me and I had no idea of what I 
should do. I tried to see whose body was on the table and my eyes 
caught Shane’s. He nodded, allowing me to view who the person was. Trey 
was on the table, all bloody and lifeless. I dropped whatever I was 
holding and stumbled a few feet back. 

I fell. I fell into a deep dark whole until I landed on a soft cushion.
There was only a table and a black phone on top of it. It began ringing 
and I did the only logical thing to do. I picked it up. “You can’t hurt 
yourself that way,” Trey advised me. “Don’t Rhian.” I let go of the 
receiver and the whole phone came crashing onto the floor that was 
filled with broken pieces of glass. I picked one of the pieces and 
gripped it tight, the sharp part digging into the skin of my palm. 
Blood trickled onto the ground which became soft grass. I was 
transported into a cemetery, reading Trey’s name on the headstone. 
There were flowers on top of the grave, left by Calista. The card said. 
I picked up a stalk and smelt it but it was horrible. The grave opened 
up and I fell into it, only to feel the muddy ground beneath me. No 
coffin. Nothing. Empty. 

On top of me, someone was shoveling dirt, blocking the sunlight and
trapping me in. “Don’t!” I screamed. 

*** 

“Don’t!!!!” My scream echoed down the halls of Blu Creek Medical Center.
I sat up immediately, scanning the room and searching for familiar 
faces. Calista’s slim figure stirred in the chair next to me. She was 
so deep in slumber that she did not even hear me. But someone else did 
and he got up quickly and rushed over to me. “Rhian?” Shane said my 
name. “You finally woke up.” My arms felt heavy and the room was lit 
only by a muted lamp next to my bed. “How long was I out?” I asked 
breathlessly, pushing my messy hair back from my face. 

“About twelve hours,” he informed, holding my hand tight. “How are you
feeling?” 

“Pretty weak,” I replied. “How come she’s so fast asleep?” I inquired
motioning to Calista who was still oblivious about my consciousness. 

“She had to donate her blood for you,” he revealed. “What do you think
of that?” We were both talking in hushed tones as by the looks of the 
surroundings, it wasn’t excatly day time. I looked away shamefully and 
laid my eyes on Calista. I had no idea that we had the same type of 
blood. How much did she have to donate to replenish what I had lost? 
“Your father couldn’t come,” he added. “He’s held up at Miami.” That 
was very typical of him, wasn’t I? I thought things between him and me 
had improved but I was still as insignificant as ever. “And Trey?” I 
couldn’t help asking. 

“Rhian...” I stared at my feet that were hiding underneath the thick
blanket. “Trey’s not here, isn’t he?” I asked. 

“He’s dead. You told me so yourself,” Shane reminded. I nodded
understandbly and placed my head back onto the pillow. “Why didn’t you 
call me after you got back?” he interrogated me as he pulled a chair up 
next to my bed. “I just couldn’t,” I shrugged. “I saw his grave. He’s 
really gone, Shane.” 

“I know,” he replied. 

“What am I going to do? I can’t be with him anymore,” I expressed. “I
miss him so much.” Shane placed his elbows on my side and clasped his 
hands and rested them against his forehead. “I talked to Calista while 
you were sleeping. She thinks it’s best for you to see a psychiatrist,” 
he said. “I agree with her.” 

“But I’m not crazy,” I tried to argue but I knew that they were right. I
was trying to kill myself, for god’s sake! How much more insane did I 
have to get before admitting that I could not handle this situation by 
myself? 

“I know you’re not but talking it through with somebody will help,” he
reasoned. “And it’s better if you talk to a professional instead of  
just me.” 

“You don’t want to talk to me anymore?” 

He shook his head and smiled slightly. “It’s not that. I can listen to
what you are feeling but with a professional....I just want the best 
for you.” 

“That’s something a parent would say to their child,” I scoffed. “You
think I’m crazy?” He leaned back against the chair. “No, I just think 
you need some help. Everyone does at some point of time.” 

“I need Trey.” 

“I need you to get better,” he changed the subject. “School’s staring
really soon, remember?” School. What would the people from school think 
if they found out what I had done to myself? I could never live 
something like that down. I wished Dad would move me to someplace else. 
Someplace far from Blu Creek. Someplace far from New York. Someplace 
far from all these memories. Someplace like Oklahoma or maybe Cuba. 
Where no one have ever heard of me before. “School,” I trailed. “They 
don’t know about this, don’t they?” 

“Don’t worry. I’ve not told anyone,” he promised. “And I won’t. I just
told them that you visited some relatives in North Carolina.” I thanked 
him with my eyes and he nodded in return. “They won’t ask to see 
pictures of you with your grandma at the beach,” he added teasingly and 
I forced a smile. “Don’t ever scare me like that, okay? Don’t ever 
again think of doing something that silly,” he warned. 

“I know. I did it in a moment of weakness,” I explained. “I just
thought...” 

He studied me seriously. “Rhian, Trey’s gone. Whatever you do now won’t
unite back the two of you. So what you have been doing to yourself will 
only make the whole situation even worse. You have to take good care of 
your health. A little grief is necessary but the level you are on is 
just plain harmful to yourself.” 

“But...” He stopped me by raising a hand. “Let me finish. There are
people other than Trey who really care a lot about you. You got Calista 
all hysterical, your Dad had to postpone meetings to fly back 
here...You get what I mean?” He was looking at me so earnestly that all 
I could do was nod. “I guess I have a huge apology to both of them,” I 
admitted. “It’s just hard. To wake up every morning and to know that 
he’s not with me anymore.” 

“It’s not as though both of you had a choice,” Shane pointed out. I had
a choice. I decided that I did not want to be with him since it was 
complicated and unbelievable to a human’s brain. I had let him down and 
that was why I was even more upset than I thought I would be. My eyes 
wandered around the room that we were in and I absorbed every little 
detail. Even though Calista was sleeping away, I could see how 
uncomfortable she was as she tried to find a position to ease in. Shane 
seemed to be in a wreck with his hair wild and his eyes merely slits 
from the lack of sleep. The hospital bed that I was in was a far cry 
from my soft deluxe bed at home. My eyes finally landed on him who was 
sitting casually next to my bed, not caring that he was not at home 
sleeping at this time of the night. “Hey,” I croaked and his deep gray 
eyes fell on mine. He tilted his chin in the guy way of asking, “What?” 
I placed my right hand on his arm, noticing that there was a needle 
pricked and connected to a blood bag that was hanging on a stand. “Your 
arm, it’s not in a sling anymore,” I noted and he grinned. “You finally 
noticed,” he commented and I blushed. It had been all about me for the 
past few weeks. How selfish was I? Answer? Extremely self-absorbed. 

“How long?” I inquired. 

He shrugged. “About five days ago. I couldn’t wait to get rid of it,” he
stated. 

“Does it still hurt?” 

“Not really. But I’ve got to be careful. Don’t want to injure it any
further especially with football practice when school stars.” I nodded. 
I kept forgetting that he was a sport fanatic because he was so much 
different than the typical jock behavior that I saw in school. He was 
nice and not at all conceited. Maybe I had to stop labeling people and 
give them a chance to let me see how they really were other than the 
stereotypes that were placed on them. “Maybe one day I’ll come and see 
one of the games you play,” I told him and I received a chuckle from 
him. “What?” I elbowed him slightly. 

“I’ve got to make a huge announcement if you ever do that,” he laughed
softly. “Remember? The first time you talked to me, you told me that 
football is all Greek to you.” I narrowed my eyes at him. Uh, hello? I 
was showing him a little appreciation for being such a good friend to 
me and he had the nerve to laugh. “Well, it’s a way of thanking you for 
being so kind to me,” I retorted. “And this is what I get, you hooting 
about it. I can’t believe you remember that.” I rolled my eyes. 

“I remember a lot of things, Rhian,” he pressed. 

“What about the volunteering?” There were so much that I have missed and
I felt that I had to try and catch up although I wasn’t ready to. “Quit 
it,” he answered. 

“Why?” I exclaimed and received a shushing from a nurse that happened to
patrol by. He was the one that had made a big deal when I wanted to 
quit. If only he knew why I did not continue with the volunteering. 
Spending too much time with him made me develop a tiny crush on him. 
Just a tiny one; but I had to put that aside now. “Billy Schiffer asked 
me to help him with some of his painting projects. Apparently, he kept 
accepting jobs and there was no way that he could finish them in time 
for school,” Shane explained. “So, I accepted since I had done nothing 
all summer except laze around.” 

“Not true,” I shook my head. “You help serve food for the sick.” 

“And that too but nothing else. I can’t keep asking money from my
parents too,” he pointed out. 

“And you gave such a big fuss when I quit,” I couldn’t resist adding.
“You made me feel so bad.” 

A lock of his blond hair fell and he pushed it away with a careless
toss. “I guess I was just pissed that you abandoned me. I thought we 
had so much fun.” 

We did. That was why I quit. But obviously, I couldn’t say that to him.
Not over my dead body. Dead. Trey was dead. I sighed and snuggled 
deeper into the pillow on my head. “So, your first session with your 
psychiatrist is tomorrow morning,” he announced, standing up and 
picking up his sweater that he had draped on the back of the chair. 

“So soon?” I asked. 

“The sooner the better, right?” 

“Yeah,” I answered unsurely. 

“Okay, I’m off now but I’ll come back the first thing in the morning,”
he told me. “Then we’ll go and meet her, alright?” “Yeah,” I replied. 
He leaned over the bed and lightly brushed his lips on my forehead. 
“Get some sleep,” he said and headed out of the door. 

“Shane?” I called before he disappeared. 

“Hmm?” 

“Thanks for...” Thanks for what? I couldn’t say what I had thought off.
The words all vanished from my mind. He was waiting expectantly at the 
edge of the door. “Just thanks,” I said and he flashed me his dimpled 
smile and left. I ran my fingers over where he lips had touched my skin 
and felt a sudden tingle of desire. Could I still have a crush on him 
when I was grieving badly over my dead boyfriend? I felt disappointed 
with myself as I willed myself to fall asleep. 

*** 

The first face that I saw when I woke up the next morning was not
Shane’s but Calista’s. She was peering anxiously over me that I gave a 
tiny shriek when I opened my eyes. “Cal!” I exclaimed as she took a 
step back to give me some space. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she apologized profusely. “It’s just that you
haven’t woken up in almost twenty four hours.” I had never seen her 
becoming such a nervous wreck before. She had always been the one 
person that I had looked up to and to see her in this manner scared me 
a little. “I did wake up but you were sleeping,” I informed her. 
“Didn’t want to wake you up so I went back to sleep,” I lied, not 
wanting to share with her anything about my long conversation with 
Shane. 

“Thank goodness that you are up,” she said. “I was worried sick. I’m
such a horrible sister,” she wailed. Instantly, I reached for her. “No 
you’re not! I’m the horrible one for causing you so much trouble,” I 
corrected. 

“No! I’m the bad one. I promised Dad that I will take care of you but I
didn’t! And you end up hurting yourself.” Shane was right. She was in 
hysterics. What have I done? I turned a peaceful, yoga expert into a 
frenzied unstable form. “Cal, stop blaming yourself! I was so caught up 
that I did such stupid things without thinking about you. Forgive me,” 
I begged and we hugged each other and sobbed so loudly until a nurse 
came rushing into the room to check on the commotion. 

“When I thought of how close it was to losing you, I got so scared,
Rhian. How could I, the big sister, not know the suffering that my 
little sister was going through? I just convinced myself that you are 
just taking some time to yourself but you needed someone to be 
insistent and take care of you but I didn’t,” she declared. “I’m such a 
horrible bitch.” 

I wiped the tears away from her face, shaking my head furiously. “No
you’re not. I pushed you away when you tried to help. I thought I can 
control it all by myself but turns out that I am only human. I’m not as 
strong as I tried to be.” We cried a whole lot more and never had I 
felt so close to her. She really showed me how much she loved me and I 
felt really bad for the times I whined to Trey of how she had managed 
to outshine me time after time. “I’m really sorry. Sorry for putting 
you through this although it doesn’t concern you in any way,” I tried. 

“Sweetie, anything that concerns you, concerns me,” she made me
understand. “Promise me to share everything. I know you can be quite 
secretive but promise me, promise me,” she emphasized, “to share with 
me if it is really bothering you.” 

“I promise,” I swore, both of us a huge mess of tears and sniffles. She
took a deep breath and reached for the box of tissues that were on the 
night table. She picked out a few and handed some to me and proceeded 
to wipe her tears. I followed suit and tossed the tissues into the 
waste paper basket a few feet away. “I’m such a mess,” I declared, 
flinging my arms to prove my point. “And you need to meet your 
psychiatrist in,” she sneaked a glance at her watch, “twenty minutes.” 
Twenty minutes? That was way too soon. And of course I was freaking 
out. I would be meeting someone who I would pour my heart and soul to 
in the name of therapy. What if I couldn’t stand the person? Calista 
was right when she said that I was a secretive person. What if I 
couldn’t talk to this person because he or she intimidated me? Then who 
could help me? Would Dad search the entire Blu Creek until he found the 
right one for me? Would he even care? I guessed my questions would be 
answered as at that moment, Dad walked into the room with a bouquet of 
lilies in his hands. For a person who was giving me flowers for the 
first time, he really got it right. I adored lilies, especially if they 
were given to me by Trey. Once, we were walking by a florist shop when 
his hand without being seen, grabbed a stalk and he presented it to me 
a block later. Seeing the flowers, I had to choke back a sob that 
almost escaped. “Good morning,” Dad greeted the both of us. Calista 
whirled around and her face turned bright red. I thought things were 
better with them but I guessed wrong. 

“Oh, hey,” Calista mumbled. 

“Hi,” I said to him. He placed the bouquet on the table that was on the
foot of the bed and smoothed the jacket of his suit although there 
wasn’t a single crease. 

“Calista, I need to talk to Rhian for a while. You mind?” He motioned
towards the door and Calista merely nodded and stepped outside, leaving 
me alone with him. I stared at him curiously, wondering what he wanted. 
He sat uncomfortably on my side and suddenly he didn’t seem to know 
what to do with his hands. I hid the smile but my cheeks were turning 
red, probably the first time I had blushed since...Since. “Yes, Dad?”  
I asked, peering at him. 

He ran his fingers through his hair and fiddled with the edge of his
tie. “Rhian,” he began. “I’ve not been a good father to you. I know 
that I have favored Calista over you ever since...Ever since you could 
remember, I guess. I owe you a big apology for that. I don’t know why I 
did that and I really don’t have the smallest idea why I pushed you 
away. Now when I see how dependable you are on Trey, I realized that he 
gave you the love that you never received from me or Cassandra. He sees 
who you are and I never gave you a chance at all. Forgive your old man, 
Rhian. I’m really regretful for the way I treated you. Please, forgive 
me,” he pleaded, his face full of remorse. But I was cautious. Was he 
for real? Because he was a really good actor. He did not come that far 
in the business world by just working hard. He had a glib tongue and 
that was the kind of person that was hard to trust. 

I took a deep breath. One thing that I inherited was Dad was his trait
of not being able to forgive someone easily. Look at how damaged his 
relationship was with Calista now. Both of them were really stubborn 
and not willing to take the first step to make up. I figured Calista 
got Dad’s trait too. And what about Cassandra? He never mentioned about 
her to us before. He never explained how come our mother wasn’t much of 
a mother to us. “I have to get ready,” I breathed, getting out of the 
bed from the other side. 

He understood where my stand was and nodded his head. “I really want to
try Rhian,” he said. “Now I’m just waiting for you to realize that.” 

“Then don’t hold your breath,” I muttered and slid into the bathroom to
freshen myself up. But what Dad did not know was as soon as the door 
shut behind me, I buried my face in my hands and cried a thousand cry. 
Cried for reasons that were too complicated for me to explain and 
express. 

*** 

As I emerged out of the bathroom, Shane was waiting with Calista. He had
on a T-shirt that was really cool and it complements the color of his 
eyes. He was talking to Calista but immediately stood up as soon as he 
caught sight of me. “You look better than yesterday,” he commented as 
he pecked my cheek, his one hand lingering on my waist. I caught 
Calista raising and eyebrow inquiringly but pretended not to see it. 

“Dr. Lindsey’s ready to see you now,” he told me and I wasn’t
concentrating especially with that hand on me. For the record, the 
blood tube that I had on yesterday was already removed apparently while 
I was fast asleep. He led me out of the room while Calista was still 
sitting on the same chair that she had slept on just hours ago. “Cal, 
you coming?” I asked. She glanced at Shane and then looked back at me 
and gave me a knowing grin. “I better not,” she refused. “I need a long 
hot shower and then I’m going to get a big American breakfast. You both 
go on ahead.” She waved teasingly at me as she walked ahead of us. 
“Where’s Dr. Lindsey?” I inquired as we walked down the hall, his hands 
shifted from my waist to clutching my hand. 

“Her office is on level six,” he replied. 

“And how come you seemed so chummy with her?” I pumped. He gave me a
sideways glance and snickered. “The hospital’s like a playground for 
me. When I was growing up, I would come here straight after school 
while my mum buzzed around,” Shane explained. “So I kind of know some 
of the people here.” 

“Oh,” was all that I could say. 

“Is she nice?” I asked further. 

“Extremely. She’s good friends with my mum so we had her and her husband
over for dinner quite a couple of times.” I was looking ahead as we 
walked hand in hand but I could feel his eyes boring on me. “What?” I 
felt self-conscious with all his glazing. 

“Are you scared?” He was not asking. He was stating something that he
already sensed. “Wow, you sure are intuitive. How did you know?” I 
muttered sarcastically. I had been gripping his hand tighter and 
tighter with every step we took towards the elevator. 

“She’ll really help you a lot,” he assured me. “Just think of it like
you’re talking to a friend.” I swallowed hard. “I don’t actually share 
much with my friends,” I revealed. 

“You told me quite a bit at the park that night,” he reminded me which
made my face flamed. 

“That was different. I was emotionally vulnerable and you happened to be
there. You took advantage of my vulnerability,” I retorted playfully. 
Besides Trey, Shane was the only other outsider who knew a lot about 
me. And it all happened by accident. He just seemed to be around when 
bad things happened to me. 

“Well, thank god that you weren’t drunk cos then I’ll really take
advantage of you,” he joked and I punched him lightly. “Well, I won’t 
fall that easily to your charms because I have......” I froze in the 
middle of my sentence. 

“Because what?” he prompted. 

“Uh, nothing.” Because I have a boyfriend. I was about to say that. All
the while joking with him, it had slipped out of my mind the fact that 
Trey was dead. That I was single now. That I no longer had a boyfriend. 
I was alone. Luckily Shane did not notice my change in behavior as that 
would really ruin the light atmosphere that we had set. The elevator 
was moving up and up and up, dropping the visitors, doctors and nurses 
at different levels until it was only us that got off at level six. 

Level six was divided into two portions. One was for the offices where
the psychiatrist were and the other were for patients who were prone to 
hurting themselves; in other words, patients like me. I dug my 
fingernails at the side of my hospital pajamas and held my breath. He 
felt my apprehension and for support, he embraced me. “It’s okay,” he 
whispered into my hair. “You’ll feel a lot better about it as time goes 
by.” I nodded and bit my lower lip. Although I knew that I had to take 
the first step into Dr. Lindsey’s office, my legs weren’t able to move. 
They were glued to the ground. He did not urge me to go straight into 
the office, yet, he waited patiently until I was ready on my own. “Do 
you think her office looks like the ones in the movies?” I asked, 
looking up at him. He shook his head and chuckled. “I think you’ll like 
what you see.” 

I breathed deeply and released myself from him a little bit unwillingly.
“I’ll see you when I get out?” I confirmed. 

“Definitely,” he replied and tilted his head towards the big door that
had Dr. Lindsey’s name plastered on. “I know you can do it.” 

I nodded and knocked lightly on the door, waiting for a response from
the other side. Once I heard the conformation, I turned the knob and 
what I saw was beyond what I had imagined. 

Dr. Lindsey’s office wasn’t like most psychiatrist office with top to
bottom shelves that were crammed with books or folders. There wasn’t a 
long chaise where I could lie down when I was in therapy. But what I 
saw definitely impressed me. She was a redhead, sitting behind her 
minimalist glass table that had only a laptop, a high-tech phone and a 
silver Mont Blanc pen resting on top of a piece of paper. No clutters, 
nothing messy. It was so elegant and chic and the psychiatrist fitted 
the image as well. She was a really beautiful woman with a very good 
sense of dressing. She was wearing a white jacket and pants that I was 
positive were from DKNY and casual Salvatore Ferragamo flats. She 
flashed me a radiant beam as soon as she saw me and I smiled weakly. 

“Hello,” she greeted me. “I’m Dr. Lindsey,” she introduced herself and
offered a hand. I shook it and told her my name. 

The other corner of the office almost had a Zen feeling towards it.
There was a square table on top of a rattan mat and at the side, was a 
small water fountain. “How do you feel about candles?” she asked. 

“Love it,” I declared which got me another flash of smile. 

“So do I,” she said and proceeded to lighting up a few candles that were
scattered around the office in pretty little holders. She noticed me 
ogling at the holders. “Pottery Barn. Always got to be safe,” she 
tinkled and sat down on one of the bean bags that were on the rattan 
mat. I followed suit, inhaling the aroma that the candles had given 
off. “I like your office,” I complimented. 

“Thank you,” she replied. “I kind of like this kind of atmosphere. It’s
more cozy and less intimidating than....let’s say a big couch and 
shelves crammed with doctorial papers.” I nodded in agreement, warming 
up to her a little bit. “So, do you want to tell me what happen?” she 
began. 

“Do you know what happened?” I asked her back. 

“Just a gist of it, but I rather hear it from my patients myself,” she
explained. 

“Are you going to tell anyone what I’ll be telling you?” I inquired. 

She shook her head that was full of gorgeous red curls. “Everything in
confidentiality,” she assured me. 

Where should I begin? Where I met Trey? Or should I jump straight to his
death. “I don’t know where to start,” I admitted. 

“What’s been bothering you lately, Rhian?” 

“My boyfriend’s dead,” I blurted out. “And I can’t....I don’t know if I
can go on without him.” 

“How long have you been with.....” 

“Trey. Trey Conner,” I supplied. 

“Yes, Trey. How long were you guys together?” 

I rested my elbows on the table in front of me. “It’s supposed to be
three years. But I found out that he died last year. But we have been 
together for three years,” I insisted, pulling my hair back into a 
ponytail. She did not need to prompt me with another question. “He died 
about a year ago. They say that he did. But.....During the duration of 
last year until the middle of summer, I could still see him. And talk 
to him.” 

“Did he visit you here? I heard you were from New York,” she informed. 

I nodded. “Yeah, he said he did. He would come at least once every two
weeks. Then he would stay here for a couple of days and he would return 
to New York. I was with him quite frequently.” 

“What do you do when you are with him?” 

I gazed at a place far away. It was as though I was looking beyond the
walls of the office and the hospital to where I could see myself 
sitting under a tree with Trey, exchanging kisses and sharing secrets. 
“We would talk. He always listens to me, although at times I might bore 
him with topics such as this cute top that I bought or the classes I 
had in school. Then if I was upset, he would console me. He’s my best 
friend. My confidante. My lover. He’s like every single thing that I 
wanted packaged into a human form. I was lucky to be with him,” I said 
softly. “He makes me laugh until my sides aches, he challenged me in 
ways that I wanted to be, he could lift my day with just a smile. And 
when he......” I glanced curiously at her. Was it appropriate to tell 
her about our physical relationship? Or would that be stepping over the 
line? 

“What about your physical relationship?” Dr. Lindsey read my mind. 

“We were intimate in that way too,” I told her and my face flamed. 

“Sexual intercourse?” 

“Yeah,” I admitted. “But it wasn’t about that all the time. He did not
force me into it at all. It was what I wanted as well.” It was a 
sensitive issue for me and I felt a need to defend him as I did not 
want anyone to think that he was pressurizing me into doing it. “I met 
him almost every single day when I was still living in New York. Each 
day he would meet me at school. After I was with him, I seldom spend 
time at home. I would be out until late at night each day with him.” 

“How about weekends?” 

“That too,” I informed her. 

“Did your parents know?” 

“Not really. Cassandra wasn’t even living with us when I started going
out with him and Dad....He just never cared,” I said bitterly. “His 
main target focus is Calista. I could walk around the city naked and he 
wouldn’t even stop me.” 

She adjusted her red hair that was in a bun. “So, before you meet Trey,
is there any other person you can rely on?” 

“Calista,” I named. “She’s the one that brought me up, you know? She’s
the one that taught me most of the stuff that I know. We experienced 
with make-up together. She bounded my knees when it got scraped while 
trying to ride a bike. She brought me on my first shopping trip. We 
pretty much did everything together while we were young.” I studied Dr. 
Lindsey. She wasn’t writing all these down and trying to evaluate 
everything that I said. Instead, she was seated comfortably, lending me 
a listening ear that I really needed. It was as though she was a friend 
rather than a doctor. A friend who got paid a hundred dollars per hour 
to listen to me moan about my depressing existent. 

“Will this last only for an hour?” I questioned her. 

A patient smile formed on her face. “No, Rhian. I’m all yours for the
whole day, if you want to.” 

I fiddled with the edge of the cushion that I was sitting on. “Don’t you
have any other clients?” 

“I do but I’m devoting my time to you today,” she said. 

“What if I get tired of talking?” 

“It’s okay if you want to stop at any point,” she assured me. 

“And I have to continue to come seeing you?” I went on. 

“That we’ll have to decide at the end of the session.” 

“I see,” I muttered. “Trey would have liked this place,” I told her,
running my eyes around the room. 

“Why is that?” 

“It’s peaceful,” I began. “He likes places that are serene. It helps him
with inspiration for his drawings. He likes to draw. And he’s really 
good at it. I don’t know how he does it. He can just look at something 
for a matter of seconds and put the whole thing on paper. I think he 
got photographic memory. How unfair is that? He has that kind of talent 
but he’s not making full use out of it.” 

“What would you do if you have that kind of talent?” Dr. Lindsey
inquired. 

“I’m not sure. I don’t think I’ll be able to be as modest as he is,” I
admitted. “I’ll probably do it for the profits. And I think the sacred 
and the beauty of that talent will be lost. No matter how much he won’t 
admit it, I think he’s a romantic. He draws for the love of it. Not 
because he feels he has something to share to the world. Something 
about fulfilling his creative passion. There was a period of time when 
for about two weeks, I did not see him sketching or even holding a 
pencil. When I asked him why, he just said the urge to draw wasn’t 
there yet. I finally found out that he was distracted about something 
else so badly that he couldn’t concentrate on anything else.” I stopped 
talking and rested my head on the low table in front of me. How long 
had I been talking? I didn’t know what else to say so I kept quiet, 
waiting for her to jump in with another question. But we both were just 
looking at each other, waiting for the other person to be the one to 
break the silence. It felt as though she was giving me the decision to 
whether continue what I was saying or to start a whole new topic 
altogether. 

“Do you believe in ghost?” I asked her. 

She chuckled. “I’m not sure about that, but I do believe that there are
things that exist beyond any explanation.” Her answer was a good one. 
Neither here nor there. Sitting on the fence. Allowing her patients to 
express their thoughts without being judged. “Before this, I never 
believed much in this kind of stuff.” 

“Stuff?” she prompted for a clarification. 

“Aliens, ghosts, spirits, psychics. All those. But now, I was actually
kind of shaken. My eyes saw it but my brains find it hard to believe 
it. That something like that could actually happen to me,” I confided. 
She nodded, urging me silently to go on. “They say that Trey died 
almost a year ago, before I move to Blu Creek. But all the while I was 
here, until about a month ago, he visited me all the time. I can see 
him, touch him, hear him laugh. And I don’t understand that at all.” 

“Do you know that he’s dead when you were with him during all that
times?” 

I shook my head. “No, I don’t know at all. There were events that
happened back in Manhattan that I could not recall. So I don’t know 
that he’s dead at all.” 

“What kind of events, Rhian?” 

I chewed on my lip as I focused hard to recollect the story that Dad had
told me. “Dad said that we were involved in some kind of drug scandal. 
And the guy that handled the drug trafficking was angry with Trey so 
they used me as a bait to get Trey to meet up with them. Then they 
killed him. Apparently it all happened on one night and that night’s 
memory was totally erased from my mind. Is that possible?” I asked her. 


“Sometimes when something very traumatic happened to an individual, it
is possible that the memory of it will be pushed at the back of the 
brain and not be remembered at all.” 

“After Dad revealed to me about Trey being dead, he only appeared to me
in my dreams. I can’t see him anymore but there was once when I closed 
my eyes, I felt his presence in my room. He embraced me and traced 
kisses to my lips. But I can’t open my eyes to see him. After that, he 
left.” It was getting harder to describe to her about these memories I 
had. I sniffed back and my eyes were tearing. “I am willing to trade 
anything in this world so that I can be with him.” 

“Well, Rhian, that is not a choice that you can choose. Unfortunate
events like these happens everyday against our will. He had to go to 
someplace better and by doing that, it immediately ends your 
relationship with him. All that is left now are memories of him. You 
can cherish them but they shouldn’t be the article that triggers you to 
do destructive things to yourself,” she advised me kindly. 

“I understand that I shouldn’t act that way. But I did have a choice. He
said that we can be together even though circumstances are against us. 
I’m the one that told him it was too hard to go on the way that we are 
in,” I tried to make her understand. 

“I don’t get what you mean. Do you care to explain that?” 

“You may think that I’m insane or that I’m making all these up. I don’t
care. But after I found out that he’s dead, I told you that I still see 
him in my dreams. Those dreams, they weren’t like dreams. It feels 
really real. You know, in dreams, crazy things happened. You find that 
at one time you are shopping but at the next minute you’re in a middle 
of the forest.” She nodded, saying to me that she got what I meant. 
“These dreams of him that I had weren’t like that. They were organized 
and in sequence, just like I was living any other day. We would talk 
and I expressed to him about my confusion for the entire situation that 
was going on. I asked him how it was possible that we could still meet 
and talk even when he’s not alive. He said that it is possible to go on 
with our relationship if we both wanted to. He’ll make it work. He will 
find a way to be with me. Trey’s really positive about it. He has 
always been about our relationship. But I was the one that had doubts. 
It was just all so confusing. My boyfriend is dead but I’m still 
attached to him? That just sounds really crazy but I went along with 
him because I really love him and I still want to be with him. It’s 
even more harder to not be with him, you know?” I swallowed a sob. 

“I will meet with him every time I doze off and we will spend time
together, just like we always did. But my mind keeps telling me that 
this is not real, that maybe I was playing tricks with myself. It was 
at the graveyard when I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I was finally 
proven that he was really dead. His grave was right in front of my 
eyes. Then I kind of passed out and I saw him again. He was smiling 
like everything was just peachy. But I was in a daze. I find that being 
with him in that way was driving me crazy. That it affects my sanity so 
I told him that it was not working out. So it’s like I broke up with 
him or more likely, his soul. I cried and so did he. He felt that I 
wasn’t being fair. That I was picking the easy way out when he had 
tried so much to make it work. I felt really bad about it; the decision 
wasn’t easy. I wished he knew that. That he can see that it is hurting 
me as much as it hurts him. I just had to do it. I’m going crazy trying 
to make sense of the situation.” 

Dr. Lindsey was quiet for quite some time. She was trying to process the
ridiculous story she had just heard and believe me, it wasn’t easy to. 
I myself had a hard time trying to believe myself. “It’s not your fault 
at all, Rhian,” she began slowly. “At least you gave it a chance but if 
something is just too difficult and is making you a lot more miserable, 
it is best at times to just let it go.” 

“But he tried so hard,” I argued. “He tried his best to make it work but
I just let him down. His face fell so badly it was as though sometime 
had killed him the second time. And this time round, it pains him even 
more because I was the one that caused it. I can’t see him anymore. I 
can’t see him around town; I can’t see him in my dreams. It is even 
hard to picture his face. To imagine that he is around and that he’ll 
be there if I reached out. After I told him that it is not possible for 
us to be with each other anymore, I think it was the first time when he 
couldn’t understand how I was feeling. He usually could identify with 
whatever I was saying but after I told him what I wanted, he couldn’t 
anymore. We were detached as soon as I uttered those words,” I 
whimpered. I slapped my forehead. “Why did I do that? Why was I so 
stupid?” 

“Don’t be so harsh on yourself, Rhian. I don’t think he would want you
to be with him if it is hurting you in any way at all,” she told me. 
“You told me of how patient and understanding he was. He’ll finally get 
why you chose the path you have chosen.” I wiped my tears with the 
sleeves of my hospital pajamas. “I think it’s enough for today,” I said 
and she understood. We both stood up and she patted me on my shoulder. 
“You did great today,” she praised me. “I’ll see you in tomorrow? Same 
time,” she confirmed. 

“Right,” I whispered. “Thanks.” 

“Take good care and eat your meals alright?” I glanced down at my body
and grinned weakly. I had lost so much weight for the past month that 
the clothes I wore were hanging loosely. This was kind of great. I 
might finally fit into a size 2. 

Waiting outside, like promised, was Shane. He was reading a magazine and
gazed up when he heard the door opening. “Hey,” he greeted. “Hey,” I 
said back. “How long was I in there?” 

“You missed lunch,” he informed. 

“Oh...” He stood next to me and slipped his fingers around mine. “But I
got just the finest place to fatten you up.” He brought my hand to his 
lips and kissed it. “Are you hungry?” 

*** 

Chapter 11: Why Are You All Pushing Me? 

“Do you still cry at night?” Dr. Lindsey asked. I had been in therapy
for the past two weeks and by now, I figured that she had the bits and 
pieces of my life in the palm of her hand. But even so, how could I 
tell her that it wasn’t getting any better? That I would wake up 
screaming in the middle of the night, crying out his name? That I was 
shouting so loud until I woke Calista and Dad up and they would rush 
into my room to see what was the cause of the commotion. That the only 
time I was at peace from those memories was when I was in her office, 
telling her about them. That hardly ten seconds passed without me 
reminiscing about the times I had with him. Could she tell that we 
weren’t making any progress? Was I allowed to lie during therapy? 
“Rhian?” she called out my name and I snapped out of my thoughts. “Is 
it still that bad?” she murmured, her tone really comforting. 

“You can tell?” I inquired meekly. She nodded, and I wanted to believe
that she could understand me. “It’s really obvious by your face,” she 
informed. “Tell me, what still bothers you?” She rested her glasses 
that was on top of her scarlet hair onto the square table and leaned 
back against a wall. “The dreams,” I began. “I still hear him calling 
me. All the time.” Last night was the worst. I was trapped again in his 
grave and yet, there still wasn’t a coffin. I was all alone, clawing 
onto the walls that surrounded the grave, begging to be let out. Then a 
shadow fell on top of me but I couldn’t make out who it was. I called 
for help to the person and he did not respond; he just kept staring 
down at me. 

“Rhian, Rhian,” I heard his voice, beckoning me to come and find him. I
clawed even harder, and shouted his name out. The dark figure on top of 
me took a leap and was next to me. Instead of trying to find a way out 
for both of us, he had a big spade and was digging even deeper. He hit 
a source of water and the grave were filled with muddy water in just a 
few seconds. Trey’s voice was even louder, telling me to run. I turned 
towards the dark figure and he was holding his spade up and he lunged 
towards me, swinging the spade until it struck me on my head. 

I told Dr. Lindsey all that as she listened intently. “Every night?” she
asked finally and I nodded. “I barely get half an hour’s sleep each 
time,” I mumbled. “And it’s not only me. When I had those nightmares, I 
will end up crying after I woke up. Calista will be awakened too and 
she won’t leave me alone until I settled back to sleep. She’s not been 
sleeping well either and it’s my entire fault.” That was the truth. 
Afraid that I would try to harm myself again, she would not leave my 
side and she would cuddle me in her arms and sat with me while I sobbed 
into my pillow. I told her to go back to sleep. I assured her that I 
was all fine but she wouldn’t budge. She informed me that she would not 
give me any chance to try and slash my arms again. 

“She don’t trust me anymore,” I moaned sadly. 

“It’s not that, Rhian,” Dr. Lindsey assured me. “It’s your grief that
she did not trust. You told me once that she’s the only one that has 
been taking care of you since young. So she feels that it is her duty 
now to protect you from yourself.”  I twirled a strand of my hair 
around my fingers, studying the motion carefully. 

“You don’t want to let go, Rhian,” Dr. Lindsey stated. 

“What do you mean?” I demanded. 

“You have to try and stop thinking about him instead of reveling in
those memories. You have to. Go out, spend time with friends. Try out a 
new extreme sport. Anything to stop you from thinking about him,” she 
advised. I couldn’t. I loved reminiscing about him. I wanted to. If I 
stopped, it would fade away. And one day, when I woke up, I wouldn’t be 
able to remember them anymore. “You have to try. You have a future to 
look forward to. You’re young, you’re pretty. Go out more. Meet up with 
your friends. You don’t have to coop yourself up in your room,” she 
went on. “It’s been a month since you found out that he passed away,” 
she reminded me. 

A month? It felt like an eternity to me. And school would begin in a
week. Was I strong enough to live life normally? To just accept the 
fact that he wasn’t around anymore and continue with my life? Probably 
go to college and then what? Date other guys? What about the things 
that we whispered to each other a while back? We were supposed to be 
together! There was no way I could belong to somebody else other than 
him. “I don’t know,” I trembled. 

“For now, promise you that you’ll go out tonight. A movie, a dinner.
Something. It doesn’t have to be a date. Just a night out with your 
friends or Calista,” she suggested. That didn’t seem that hard to do. 
There was a party that was going on later and I was invited to it. I 
just didn’t think that I would actually consider attending. It was 
Hailey’s and Richard’s end of summer bash and from the tongues of 
others, it was going to be something that was hard to top. “I’ll think 
about it,” I promised her and picked up my tote bag, ready to head 
home. I had driven to the hospital myself as Calista had a date with 
some guy that she met at the supermarket. 

Dr. Lindsey patted me on the shoulder. “It takes time, Rhian. I don’t
expect you to recover in just matter of days,” she comforted me. “I’ll 
see you in two days time, okay?” I smiled and bade goodbye to her. As I 
stepped into the elevator, heading down, he crept back into my mind. I 
was about to play that certain thought when Dr. Lindsey’s advice 
popped. I stopped still and erased the sight of him, trying to think 
about something else. But when one’s mind was preoccupied about someone 
for such a long time, it was hard to think about anything other than 
that someone. The doors beeped open and it was the view of the 
hospital’s lobby that came to sight. There were couches, waiting areas 
and an ambulance parked beyond the glass sliding doors. There were some 
people hanging around the lobby; making phone calls, reading magazines 
or just plain waiting. I steadied the straps of my bag and continued 
walking straight that I did not realized that Shane was standing at one 
corner of the lobby, watching me in amusement. It was only until he 
called out my name that I whirled around so quickly that I smashed into 
some man that was walking behind me. He was chuckling, his shoulders 
shaking so hard, trying to control himself from bursting even more. I 
narrowed my eyes and smacked his sturdy chest as soon as I stood in 
front of him. “Thanks for that,” I muttered. 

“Hey stranger,” he greeted. Both of us hadn’t been in contact since my
first therapy session. I was too self conscious about someone else 
knowing so much about my personal life that I kind of avoided him. “Hey 
yourself. What are you doing here?” 

“Besides waiting for you?” he joked. 

“Seriously,” I said. 

He stuffed his hands in the pocket of his BCH letter jacket that I’ve
seen the jocks wore around school. “Meeting my mother for lunch,” he 
informed. “How’s the...” He did not need to say it out aloud. I knew 
what he was referring to but I did not answer him. “Any progress?” he 
asked again. 

“Much better,” I lied. I glanced at my watch and pretended to be in a
hurry. “I’ve got to...umm, get somewhere. I’ll see you around?” I took 
brisk steps away and he fell in step with me, walking backwards. 
“What’s the hurry?” he inquired. Damn, I couldn’t come up with a 
convincing lie that was fast enough. “Late for lunch,” I ventured 
lamely and he nodded. “Right,” he said. “Wait,” he stopped me by 
tugging on my tote bag. “You going to Richard’s party later?” We were 
facing each other but I avoided looking directly in his eyes. He had 
too much about me. Way too much that it was making me extremely 
uncomfortable around him. 

The party. The one that Dr. Lindsey advised me to attend. So that I
would not be locking myself up at home again tonight. Even though I had 
promised her that I would think about it, I was already planning my 
night at home alone, snuggling up in my bed and watching the re-runs on 
the television. “I’m not sure. It’s been quite some time,” I chuckled 
nervously. 

“You should,” he persuaded. “Their parties were always a big hit. Every
single year.” 

I shrugged. “There had been a lot of hype about it. I’ll think about it.
And I got to.....” He touched my arm. “Hey, I’m not done yet.” He 
shifted his weight from one foot to another like a little boy. I was 
dying to escape from this conversation. It was really difficult to be 
so sure if myself around him! “If you’re going, do you want to go to 
the party with me?” he invited and my tote bag that I was fiddling with 
fell from my shoulder to the linoleum floor of the lobby. I couldn’t 
find my voice and this cloud of silence fell at the space between us. 
“Like on a date?” I questioned him. There was no way he could have a 
lower perspective of me after all that he had known, right? 

He scratched his cheek. “Yeah, if you want to.” 

“Cos I’m not ready for that,” I told him the truth. 

He lowered his head and stared at his feet. “Yeah, I kind of figured
that was going to be your answer.” He sighed and placed his hands on my 
arm. “I’ll see you around then?” he said, returning back to his old 
self and he was about to saunter off. “But that doesn’t mean that we 
can’t go as friends,” I suggested. The grin that he gave really lighted 
up his whole face. “Yeah, that sounds really great,” he agreed. 

This time round, I was the one that had to shift my weight from one foot
to another. “I’ll call you later to confirm about it?” I asked meekly. 

“Sure,” he said and pecked me on my cheek. “I’ll wait for your call.” He
waved and scooted off. As I watched his back disappeared down a hallway 
of the medical center, I wondered if agreeing to go was a good choice 
for me. 

*** 

I moped around the mansion for a few hours, mustering up the courage to
pick up the phone to call Shane. I had not made a decision yet and it 
was already five in the evening. The party would begin around eight, so 
I figured that I should just go ahead and just call him. I would have 
to make up my mind once I hear his voice over the other line. I 
mentioned about Shane asking me on a date to Calista and she merely 
nodded. I was guessing that the main reason she was so quiet was 
because for once, Dad was around. The two of them still hadn’t patched 
things up with each other and added to my hostility towards Dad, the 
mansion was not a place that he would rather be in at this point of 
time. 

Dad arrived this morning and by the instructions that he had given to
the servants, it was most likely that he would be jetting off somewhere 
in a couple of hours. I picked up the cordless phone that was sitting 
on the coffee table and brought it up to my room, dialing Shane’s 
number. After a few rings, someone finally answered. “Hello,” I heard 
Shane’s voice over the phone. 

“Hey, it’s Rhian,” I said. My heart was beating twice its regular rate
and any moment now, it would pop from inside me to my bedroom floor. 

“So, you game for tonight?” he asked without any delay. Damn, I was
hoping that we would be chatting about something else first. “Yeah, 
sure,” I replied on impulse. After hearing my answer, I could almost 
hear the grin that was forming on his face. “That’s great,” he claimed 
enthusiastically. “I’ll pick you up around eight, ‘kay?” 

“Umm...yeah.” There was no way I could back up from this now. “We could
walk from my house, you know. Her house’s only three blocks away,” I 
suggested, my fingers fiddling with the antenna of the phone. 

“I’ll see you at eight, Rhian,” he sang and we hung up a while later,
with me having doubts. I opened the top drawer of my vanity table and 
the first thing that caught my attention was nothing other than the 
ring that Trey had given me the last time we spoke. The reason that I 
saw it was because a ray of the sun had fell on it, causing the ring to 
glitter and shimmer in the light. Ever since Dr. Lindsey had been 
appointed as my shrink, she had the dibs about events that had occurred 
in my life but there had been one, one very major, information that I 
had left out. It was something that I wanted to keep to myself. 
Something that was just mine; as my relationship with Trey was already 
in the scrutiny of a couple of individuals. And it was none other than 
the ring. The ring that he had slipped onto my finger. The ring that 
had a very specific purpose in his mind. The ring that was a symbol to 
explaining a bond between two people. It wasn’t just a ring. It was the 
item that two lovers exchanged as they whispered their vows to each 
other. It was a wedding band. This meant that he had thought of 
marriage between us. 

It made me wondered. As I fingered the ring, I felt him so close to me.
The presence which I had ached for a long time had finally returned. I 
could feel his breath at the nape of my neck, tickling me to giggles. 
If he had proposed to me before he left, I would accept without any 
thought to it. I was head over heels in love with him then as I was 
now. And what would my life be like if we were bonded in holy 
matrimony? And then it came down to this bitter question. Why didn’t he 
just? Yeah, things would be a lot different, that was an 
understatement, but things would be phenomenal too. It meant that he 
and I would be together. Forever. And wasn’t that what we had wanted 
since? 

The ring that he gave me also meant another thing. That the whole year
that I spent with him wasn’t just from my overactive imagination. It 
was real for both of us. No one else would believe what I said but I 
knew that it was all true. And the ring was a conformation that I 
hadn’t been dreaming. That he was around and probably might still be 
around, waiting for me. 

With him so constantly on my mind, would I be able to enjoy what life
had to offer to me? 

*** 

If there ever was a gossip that was true, the hype about Hailey’s and
Richard’s party was one example. Every word that travelled around town 
was justified. It was The highlight of the summer. The ultimate bash 
that would leave a mark on people’s mind for a very long time; 
especially on mine. I had the upmost fun that I ever had for a very, 
very long time and by the end of the night, I was grinning away as I 
strolled down the streets with Shane’s hand protectively holding mine. 
As friends. 

“So, how’s the party?” he finally asked, breaking the peaceful silence
that was enveloping the balmy summer night. 

“It’s the absolute most fun I had since....ever,” I gushed, bouncing a
little on my feet. The adrenaline from the party still hadn’t rub off. 
“They do this every summer?” I inquired. 

“Ever since I could remember,” he claimed. “It’s kind of a tradition in
Blu Creek. For their friends.” 

“And the games planned?” 

He nodded. “Same old, same old. Never gets tiring, though.” 

“I can get used to that,” I giggled. “Wow, how can you guys contain the
excitement waiting for the next one?” 

“Umm...Rhian, that’s why there are other parties around town. To keep
the peace,” he joked. “Can it top the parties in New York?” 

“Well, they are....different,” I replied. 

“How different?” 

“Very,” I stated. He shouldn’t have mentioned New York. He really
shouldn’t. Now he got me thinking about the times when I attended 
parties with Trey. I took a deep breath. It’s Shane that I was with and 
the point of the entire night was to let loose, so I shouldn’t be 
thinking about those.... “Here, it’s fun in a comfortable kind of way,” 
I tried to explain. “There, it’s more....smoky.” I shrugged, hoping 
that he would get what I was trying to say. He tried a smile. “Well, 
that explains a lot,” he muttered and I laughed. “You’ll know when you 
attend one,” I assured him. Although alcohol was not the main drink 
that was available at Hailey’s party, there were a couple of guys that 
sneaked in some beers and a carton of Bacardi Breezers; which was 
something that I wasn’t usually used to. When I went out drinking with 
Calista, we usually had something which was stronger, thus the fruity 
taste of the breezer, didn’t leave intoxicated a bit. There was a bar 
built in at the mansion which I constantly raided when Dad was away on 
his business trips. And I was not the only one. When Calista and I 
stayed up all night, we would pop open a bottle of Dad’s Merlot and 
shared it between the two of us. “But trust me, you’re not missing out 
on anything,” I added. 

Then there was the silence again when both of us had nothing else to say
except to enjoy the night and the walk. And it caused me to wander back 
to the times with Trey. I had to physically pinch myself to jolt out of 
it; to stop imagining that I was with Trey instead of Shane. Shane must 
have noticed me lulling off but being the good friend that he was, he 
kept quiet, squeezing my hand a little tighter. I sneaked a sideways 
glance and saw his face grim. “I’m not much of a company, aren’t I?” I 
asked him apologetically. 

“No, it’s not that,” he responded, obviously not wanting to hurt my
feelings. “Sometimes when you have that faraway gaze in your eyes, I 
know who you’ll be thinking of. And at times...” He shook his head. 
“Forget it, I’m just talking rubbish.” 

“No, don’t stop. At times, what?” 

He sighed. “I know I’ll regret saying this one day. At times, I want to
see what you are seeing. I want to know what makes him so special until 
your eyes are only on him.” We had stopped walking and he took hold of 
my other hand. “Rhian, I like you. A lot.  Isn’t it obvious?” 

It was then when I felt that lightning had struck me. I was frozen as I
stared into his eyes in disbelief. I like you. I like you. I like you. 
His words echoed not only in my mind but seemed to me it echoed 
throughout the entire town of Blu Creek. Instinctively, I reared away 
from him as though he would pounce on me. When I did not say anything, 
he went on. “That was why I got so pissed off when you quit the 
volunteering gig. The only reason I joined was so I could be around 
you.” Oh boy, if only he knew the actual reason that drove me to quit 
that damn job. “Shane, that’s really....umm...sweet. But it’s not the 
kind of things that I want to hear from you,” I told him honestly. “I 
just lost Trey and I don’t think of you in that kind of way, right 
now.” 

He dropped his eyes and shook his head regretfully. “You know what? That
was the answer that I figure I would get from you. But I thought, why 
not just try? I guess I was shooting for the stars.” He was not saying 
it sarcastically. 

“Hey, I think you are a great guy. And it really means a lot to me that
you have been really supportive throughout my entire break down. Plus, 
I’m really grateful that you have kept it to yourself. Now, tell me, 
which other girl won’t want you as her boyfriend?” I said, trying to 
tone down the tension that had filled the air around us. 

“You don’t,” he answered bitterly. “Rhian, it’s really fine. I know what
the answer will be like but as I have said, I just thought that I have 
to give it a try. Now that I know, I can move on.” I drew circles on 
the back of his hand with my thumb. “I’m really sorry, Shane,” I 
apologized. “I really am. But I got to get over Trey first before I 
could even try dating someone else.” 

“Don’t worry about me,” he laughed it off. “I’ll manage. I have tons of
rejection before this one.” He was making jokes, trying to lighten the 
situation and for that, I was grateful. “Still friends?” I asked, 
peering at him. 

“Friends,” he chorused, giving me a warm hug. I breathed a sigh of
relief into his chest and I could swear that he did the same thing too 
over my head. “Trey’s a really lucky guy,” he noted. Not really, I 
answered quietly. Trey’s dead. If he was lucky, he would be here with 
me at this moment. “We had good times,” I said. 

“Maybe I’ll have a chance in the distant future?” Shane tried and I
slapped his arm lightly. “You can try,” I teased. 

“Maybe I will or maybe I won’t,” he replied mysteriously and we burst
into fits of laughter. “Finally I received a flattering comment from 
you,” he went on. 

“Hey, I give you compliments before,” I protested although I wasn’t sure
if that was true. 

“Yeah right,” he muttered sarcastically. “All I think that you’ve given
me are one-liners and your smart-ass comments.” I rolled my eyes. We 
had reached the front of the mansion and I noticed Calista’s car was 
already parked next to mine. She was home from her date already. Shane 
walked me up until the front porch, being the perfect gentleman that he 
already was. “Good night, then,” he said. 

“Thanks for everything,” I told him sincerely as he leaned to give me a
peck on my cheek. “I’ll see you in school?” 

“Yeah, maybe we could get some breakfast later on this week,” he
suggested. 

“That sounds really great,” I agreed. He stepped off the porch and was
about to walk away when he turned to face me. “And Rhian...” 

I cocked my head to one side inquiringly. “Yeah?” 

He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his letter jacket. “About just
now, forget everything that I said, okay? I don’t want that to get in 
between our friendship.” 

“Sure,” I assured him. “I don’t remember anything.” He chuckled and
waved at me. Suddenly, like a burst of wind that appeared on a humid 
night, I felt an extreme sense of disappointment; like as though he had 
transferred his onto me. He was cute, he was nice and he was a great 
company. And I had a crush on him once. So why was I pushing him away 
when deep, deep down, I was tingling at the thought of dating him? 

The answer came floating back to me; reminding me that I was still not
over Trey. But Trey was dead, I argued. Yeah, I was still in love with 
him and I was terribly upset about his departure. But he was dead. 
There was nothing that I could do to for us to be together again, so, 
there was nothing wrong for me to go out on one date with Shane; who 
was walking away right this moment. He had confessed to me how he felt 
about me, despite knowing about my emotional break down. Wasn’t that 
obvious enough about how much he wanted to be with me? That he had no 
problem dating a girl who had to see a psychiatrist three times a week. 
I have got to give it a try. This might be a way to move on, to see 
what else was out there. And going on one date with Shane did not mean 
that I was betraying Trey. Not at all. 

As I watched his figure strolling down the pathway of my house, I was
frozen again. Part of me wanted to call out to him, to tell him that 
maybe it was possible for us to give it a try. One date. While the 
other part of me was refraining me from shouting out Shane’s name, 
reminding me that I had no right to give a chance between me and Shane 
as I was still too devoted to the memories of Trey. That I wasn’t yet 
willing to let go of Trey. That I was and still in love with him 
although he was no longer around. It was driving me crazy. But if I 
wasn’t ready to be with any other guy, would it hurt this much to see 
Shane taking one step each away from me? 

“Shane!” I said aloud his name and he stopped walking, looking at me
confusingly. I rushed up to him, which was quite a distance to be 
running in the heels that was on my feet until I stumbled into his 
arms. “Whoa,” he chuckled, the sound of his voice giving me shivers. 
The good kind that I felt whenever I was around Trey. This was not a 
good start. Really a bad start. I had not even start dating Shane and I 
was comparing him to Trey. “What is it?” he inquired, his face full of 
questions. 

I was changing my mind already. I stepped away from him. “Umm, nothing,”
I faltered. Walk away, Rhian. Walk away. This was your chance to forget 
the whole thing. “I want to try,” I burst out, not able to stop myself. 


“What?” The reaction on his face was comical and a little exciting.
There, I had said it. There was no way I could pull all that back. And 
frankly, I was not regretting it at all. “Us,” I said. “I....” How on 
earth do I put all those things going on in my head into words? “I 
don’t know...” 

“Calm down,” he said. “Breathe. Breathe.” I took a deep breath,
arranging the thoughts in my head. Okay, first, Shane liked me. 
Secondly, I was not over Trey. Third, I wanted to go out with Shane. 
Okay, that wasn’t that confusing. But wasn’t it mean to go out with 
another guy when one was living in the memory of another guy even 
though that guy was dead? Okay, I was back to confusion. Too much was 
going on again. I was panicking. I gripped his arm. “Breathe, breathe,” 
he repeated. “Do you want to sit down?” I nodded frantically and he led 
me to my front porch, sitting on the stairs. I bent my head down 
between my knees, still unsure of how I was going to put it out to him. 
He waited a long time for me to begin and we must have sat there for 
almost half an hour. My eyes darted everywhere; the dark night sky, the 
mailbox that was at the end of the pathway, the gravel beneath my feet, 
mine and Calista’s cars that were parked side by side, everywhere. 
Everywhere but him. He did the right thing, though. He gave me the 
time, the space, the chance to initiate when I was ready to say 
whatever I wanted to say to him. I took the final breath and reached 
over to hold his hand. “Shane,” I began. “When you are walking 
away....” 

My heart was making leaps. I could not find my voice. “I....” God, damn
it. Could I be any lamer? “Okay, I’m just going to say it all,” I 
managed to choke out. “Those things I said just now, they were all...” 

“Untrue?” he hoped. 

I couldn’t help smiling. “No, they are all true,” I cleared. “But that
doesn’t mean we cannot try....umm...dating. One...uh...date...” Great, 
I was beginning to sound like someone who didn’t speak English. 

This time round, it was the corners of his mouth that began tugging.
“Oh...wow,” was all that he said. His fingers were interlaced mine and 
he was staring at our joint hands. “Rhian, you don’t know how great it 
is for me to hear that,” he told me. “But....” 

This time round, I was the one that had to brace myself for rejection as
that ‘But’ didn’t sound good. “Oh dear, I had this one coming, don’t 
I?” I muttered, feeling extremely stupid that I had put myself in such 
a vulnerable position. Softly, he brushed a strand of hair that had 
fallen across my face. “I’m not him,” he stated simply. 

“I know that,” I replied, feeling extremely low. 

“Do you?” he asked. 

I released my hand from his. “You know what; this is all a big mistake.
I’m really sorry.” I pushed my hair back and tied them with an elastic 
band. I brushed the back of my jeans and stood up. “Umm...I’ll see you 
around.” 

He clasped my wrist. “Wait,” he urged as I struggled to get his fingers
off me. I was on the verge of tears and all I wanted to do was to run 
into the mansion and hide in my room. Forever. “I just thought that if 
we give it a try, it might work but since you thought otherwise, you 
can just let me go now. Forget I said all that,” I pleaded. He pulled 
himself up and clutched me at the sides of my arms, shaping me up. 
“Rhian, please, let me speak,” he hissed. “Listen to me first. After 
you said what you said earlier, about it’s better if you don’t date 
until you are really over him, I realized that you were right. You are 
still recovering from the news and I had no right to ask you to even 
think about going out with me. And I finally admitted to myself that 
I’m not that confident of sharing a girl that I am dating with another 
guy, even though he’s dead. Why the change of mind? Was I pressurizing 
you? Cos I am not giving you an ultimatum, Rhian. I’m still your 
friend, no matter what. You don’t have to talk yourself into going out 
with me. Okay, now you speak.” We were both gazing into each other eyes 
and although I admit that I was not over Trey, there was nothing else 
that I was sure of than wanting to go out with Shane. “I’m not feeling 
any pressure from you, Shane. I really am not. The only reason I chased 
after you was that it’s too painful to watch you walk away. Because I 
was feeling so sure that I wanted to go out with you. To experience the 
thrill of being with you exclusively, even though it’s just for a few 
hours,” I described. 

He considered it for a moment. “You’re right. First dates are all about
fun and laughter. It doesn’t have to mean anything, right?” 

“Right,” I agreed. Using his thumb, he traced my jaw line, leading down
to my lips and ran it over my mouth.  “I once imagined what this would 
feel like,” I whispered to him. He did not need any other 
encouragement. He silenced me by pressing his warm lips on mine, his 
kisses soft and light at first and then becoming deeper with a sudden 
surge of passion that they left me addicting for more. 

I pressed my body against his and my arms crept around his neck. I was
almost carried off the ground as we exchanged one kiss after another, 
stopping for a few seconds to take a breather and then indulging 
ourselves again with a pleasure so bliss that it bordered on sinful. 
His hands were roaming everywhere. I had to stop it. I had to stop 
before we went even further. After one final lingering one, I gently 
backed away from him. “So, what time are you picking me up tonight” I 
asked him. For once, after a long time, I began to see Shane in the way 
that I viewed him a while ago. A guy that I was attracted to. 

His arms were loosely wrapped around my waist. “How about dinner at
seven?” he asked and I smiled broadly. “That sounds perfect,” I said. 
With one final peck on his irresistible lips, we separated and he 
jumped off the porch. “You know, I don’t think I’ll ever regret that I 
followed my impulse tonight,” he supposed. 

“Me too,” I chorused and waited until he was out of sight before
slipping into the mansion, almost two hours after the original time 
that I reached home. I was tingling from head to toe as I walked up to 
my room but a totally different feeling embraced me as soon as I opened 
my door and saw something glistening in the darkness of the room. 

I had always considered myself as a petty person and tonight, I was
justified. Sitting on the vanity table, not the last place where I had 
kept it, was the ring that Trey had given to me. I had no idea how it 
jumped out of the drawer and onto the surface of the table but I had a 
hunch regarding who had done it. I picked the up, a sense of dread 
turning my stomach into knots. What had I done? I had been in the arms 
of another guy, kissing another guy and not at once thinking about 
Trey. I had betrayed him. I had disappointed him; something I had done 
quite a lot for the past few months. With trembling fingers, I 
willingly slipped the ring onto the exact finger that he had placed it 
in and waited. 

The tears came first, lasting for such a long time until I was
dehydrated. Then it was followed by a wind that came howling into my 
room. A wind that shattered the eeriness that was clouding up my room. 
And then, outside my window, it began raining. Raining so heavily and 
pouring torments. Never in Blu Creek have I experienced such a downpour 
and the thunder was booming, followed by a lightning that struck. 

I hugged my knees to my chest, burying myself into the comfort of my
huge bed, listening to the raindrops that fell onto the roof above me 
and the ones that tapped onto my window with such fury that it felt as 
though the glass would crack any time soon. I had closed the window as 
soon as the rain began pouring but my room was still chilly despite the 
fact that I had turned on the heater. I blanketed myself with the 
comforter and tried to go to sleep but my eyes were wide open and I 
couldn’t shut them. I got out of bed and paced around the room, as 
though mustering up energy for another round of bawling about betraying 
Trey. 

Why was I so easily swayed by emotions? Why did I do what I did? Did
Trey saw all that? What would he think of me? I kneeled down onto the 
carpet and my shoulders began shaking violently. I let out a cry of 
anguish and began wailing again. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t catch my 
breath. And if one believed in symbolic reference, my tears matched the 
raindrops that fell from the sky. It was as though both of us were 
crying; Trey, high up in heaven, saddened by the sight that he saw of 
me and his head bowed down, dropping the heavy rain on earth. I 
clutched tightly onto my pillow and bawled along with him, begging for 
forgiveness; for being so weak and being tempted by the luring of 
another companion. 

***  Epilogue: Don’t Tell Her What I Know 

Every one had their own share of secrets. There wasn’t anyone in this
world that was spared from having to keep a secret that wasn’t their 
own. Some might be tricked into bursting another’s secret out, while 
some might just feel that it was too juicy to be kept to themselves, so 
they allowed the cat to leave the bag. No matter what were the ways one 
handled the secrets that were entitled to them, it was their own 
choice. Me? I had been keeping a big great secret. And it was not a 
secret of mine. I had no idea how I was sucked into it but now, I was 
in the big circle that surrounded the secret. 

My name’s Calista Sanders. And I have a sister named Rhian Sanders. 

The last night before I returned to Providence, Rhian went to a party
with an adorable guy called Shane Bryant. My sister could be really 
smart and witty at times, but one thing that she had missed was the big 
huge flame that lit the torch that Shane had been carrying for her. The 
first time I met Shane was during this volunteering project that I 
joined back in Blu Creek. He was a patient at the Blu Creek Medical 
Center but after he was discharged, he joined the project and was 
partners with Rhian. I could see him being all nutty about my sister 
and Rhian thought all along that he was treating her just like a 
regular friend, pushing aside, the fact that Rhian was still in love 
with her dead boyfriend, Trey. 

Back to the night when they got home from the party. I was sitting on
the spacey window sill on my room when I saw Rhian chasing after Shane. 
Curios to see what was going on, I ran downstairs and hid underneath a 
window that was facing the front porch. Slipping the window slightly 
open, I managed to hear briefly about what they were discussing. Turned 
out that Shane had confessed to Rhian about how he wanted to date her 
and she, after some thought, wanted to give him a chance. And he was 
the one hesitating in the end; probably because of the reason that 
Rhian was not a step into getting over Trey. At that point of time, I 
wanted to smack that Shane right across his head. My sister had already 
offered a piece of her heart to him and he was pushing it away. Excuse 
me, Rhian had walls of defense around her as high as the Statue of 
Liberty so if she threw him a piece over that wall, he better accepted 
it as once her hands backed away from the window, there was no saying 
when they would visit there again. Furthermore, Shane knew that Rhian 
was in therapy about her hurting herself mentally and physically about 
the death of Trey so, Shane should get the hint that he was someone 
that could make her try and rejoin the dating world again. That he was 
the one that she wanted to be with to take a step ahead. 

The two of them talked for a long time and when I peeped the next time,
because there was a long period of silence, they were making out. I had 
to respect her privacy then, so I crept back up to my room and waited 
for her to come into the mansion and went up to her room. I wanted to 
spring on her and asked her how was the party she attended but as soon 
as I got to the front of her door, I heard her sobbing from within, 
calling out her dead boyfriend’s name once in a while. She must have 
been caught up in the heat of the moment with Shane and was regretting 
what she had done. I wanted to go in, I wanted to console her but I 
couldn’t bring myself to turning that doorknob and stepping over the 
threshold. So I let her be by herself and went back to my room. I met 
her the next morning and she was chirping merrily around the house like 
a yellow canary that we once saw at the park when we were little. I 
figured that her sobbing was just a final way of her saying goodbye to 
Trey because as I was boarding on the taxi to the airport, she was 
dressed to kill in a pretty sundress and high heels that I was sure she 
sneaked out of my closet. 

Ever since Rhian found out about Trey being dead, I would wake up in the
middle of the night hearing her sobbing loudly, not bothering to muffle 
the sounds at all. Before she was admitted to the hospital, I just left 
her alone, assuming that she was just in a phrase of grieving and it 
would eventually pass. But it didn’t and in fact, it got worst when she 
tried taking her own life by slashing her arms until she lost too much 
blood. After she returned home, once I heard the slightest whimper from 
her, I would scatter to her room and kept her close to my side. I 
couldn’t stand seeing her hurt. She was my baby sister after all, no 
matter how much she always tried to be independent. 

I had noticed that since young, Dad never paid much attention to Rhian
but I never brought up that subject. Time with Dad was really limited 
and whatever time I had with him, I did not want to share it with 
anybody else, even Rhian. So whenever Dad tagged me along, and left 
Rhian with the servants, or at a camp, or at home alone, I would never 
question his decision. I could be labeled selfish that way but I tried 
making it up to her  by spending the time that I did not spend with 
Dad, with her. I only socialized around at school or at parties that 
both of us could attend, brought her shopping with me, even though at 
times she and I were at different stages of growing up. She would scorn 
at the makeup that I picked out and I would snigger at the dresses that 
she thought were pretty. Yeah, I did some pretty mean things to her at 
some point of my life but she never found out and thus, she never could 
hold a grudge against me. 

I had most of the things that a growing girl fancied and wanted. I knew
many other girls that I knew admired me and wanted so much to be like 
me. But I was never satisfied until I got it all. I got to have the 
best car, I got to have the best grades, I got to win everything. I 
would pursue perfection by the ear. But Rhian, she was different. She 
was a lot more relaxed than me. She was a complete opposite and I 
guessed that was why we got along quite well. She would give in to me 
although I was the older one. With everything I had, I didn’t have one 
thing that my sister had. That was her relationship with Trey. Back 
when we lived in New York, she would be with him each and every day 
after they started dating. She would arrive home late at night with a 
dreamy look glazing her face. I never had that. And I dated the most 
handsome and the most popular guy that made me the object of envy of 
all the girls that I went to high school with. I think I loved him and 
he adored and loved me so much that he was planning our future 
together. He never once slipped. But days passed and I still couldn’t 
see and feel what Rhian and Trey shared. She would float around the 
house deliriously and I would be staring enviously at her, wondering 
what I had been missing out. 

Don’t tell me that different people feel differently. That was all
bullshit for me. I knew other girls and they had that same sickening 
look on their face when they mentioned about their sweethearts. 
Somehow, whenever I told them stories about my boyfriend, the words had 
to be forced out. It didn’t just slip out of my tongue. I had to 
fabricate lies about how wonderful I think he was. Or how lucky I was 
to be with him. Deep down, I knew that he wasn’t the best that I could 
have. 

That’s right world. Calista Sanders was not the perfect angel that
everyone thought she was. Beneath all the pretty exterior, I was a cold 
hearted witch who only thought of myself. 

I dreamt for a relationship like Rhian’s. Where I could be so devoted to
just one person with the purity of my entire heart. No, I wasn’t that 
malicious enough as to sabotage her relationship with Trey. Rhian was 
the one thing in my life that I would rather die than hurt her and god 
knows how she really needed the care and attention from Trey after 
being deprived of it from Dad. 

And one day, fate turned the table against her and her precious Trey was
taken away from her. And about ten months later, I met Derryck. I 
couldn’t care about Derryck as much as the other guys but he was so 
alike Trey that I couldn’t help rubbing it into her face. The only 
problem was the whole time I blabbed to her about Derryck, she could 
still see Trey in her own weird way. I could not understand that 
phenomenon and I did not intend to. 

Seeing her break down at the church graveyard, I felt the pangs of guilt
that I never figured that I would feel. And after she tried to kill 
herself, I felt as though a knife had stabbed me in the heart. And 
hearing her cries each night, my ego and pride shattered bit by bit. I 
had done a cruel thing to her and she hadn’t had a single clue about 
it. What I had done was destroy the spirit of a bubbly girl by planting 
fibs into her head. She bought each and every word I have told her and 
I could not chew myself out of the bear trap. Did she know the real 
reason I stayed by her each night was so I could atone the sins that I 
had done to her? That if she tried hurting herself one more time, I 
would crumble along and all the evil deeds I’d done would spill out of 
me like a ship leaking oil onto the beautiful ocean, killing the wild 
life in the process. 

I had treated her so badly that I couldn’t find it in my heart to
forgive myself. I was so ashamed to look at her straight in the eye, 
afraid that she might figure out the deceit that I had been weaving all 
along. 

I had a secret and it was not mine to keep. The only reason I kept it
was because I truly believe that it would be for the best for Rhian. 
When Dad came to me to discuss to me about the plan that he had drawn 
up, I went along, not wanting my sister to suffer any more than she 
had. But as the lies grew deeper, I found out truths about myself that 
I rather it stayed buried. That the reason I went along with the plan 
was not only because it would be for Rhian’s own good. There was 
another one. That I could not stand of her having something that she 
could triumph over me. She was the younger sister. She had to stay at 
the bottom while I reached for the stars and slipped them into my 
pockets. 

What was the secret? 

I was too ashamed to say it aloud. I parked my Volkswagen and entered
the building which was very much related to my major at Brown 
University. I had visited this place a couple of times over the past 
year, each time with the same reason. To study the specimen which.... 

The nurses smiled when they saw me as they knew who I was and what my
objective of being there was. Finally, I reached the room. Opening the 
door, I stepped into the sterile room, a sense of authority wrapping 
around me. I had the power over Rhian in another aspect of life. But 
why wasn’t I as glad as I should be? Where was that feeling of 
satisfaction that I had when I achieved what I was aiming for? Where 
was that pride that I would bask in? Where? 

And how come I was hearing echoes of my sister mournful cries
surrounding the room? I clamped my ears and my eyes fell on the bed. It 
was empty. Something gripped my heart and I couldn’t catch a breath. 
Where? Why hadn’t anybody informed me? 

The sound of toilet flushing made me turn around and shuffling out of
the bathroom was someone dressed in hospital clothes, looking thin and 
frail. And I was going to reveal the secret that I kept at heart over 
the past year. The person I was staring at was none other than Trey 
Conner, Rhian’s boyfriend. The same guy whom she thought was dead 
because we kept grilling that lie into her head. The guy which she had 
been mourning for the past month. The guy that she loved dearly and 
now, in the process of getting over him because the whole world was 
against her when she believed that he was alive. 

I had lied to her. I planted those doubts in her head. I made her think
that she was insane. 

The truth was Trey Conner survived the massacre that he was in and had
been in a coma ever since that fateful night. Dad had settled the 
monthly hospital bills and arranged for him to be tucked away in this 
hospital in Rhode Island so that he would be saved from those men that 
were hunting him down and also, a distance away from Rhian who was 
extremely dependant on him. Dad wanted her away from this guy who had 
caused a chaos in New York City and he paid good money to make 
arrangements to prove to Rhian that Trey Conner was actually dead. 

And he had finally woken up from his long, long slumber. We both stared
at each other, not knowing what to say. The doctors said that there was 
a very high chance that he could not recall any of his past memories 
and hearing that was an extreme relief for both Dad and me. Me, 
obviously for reasons that I was shameful of. 

I waited for him to say something but being knocked down, shot near the
heart and lying still for one year, did not change the character of 
this guy. He would not make the first move, instead, he got himself 
back in bed. He was still the same person that Rhian described him as. 

We were both counting on the fact that he could not recall anything that
happened. I crossed my fingers behind my back and smiled at him. “Hi,” 
I said. He nodded in acknowledgement, clenching his jaws. How come 
Rhian never pressed on the fact that he was god damn gorgeous? Even 
with his face all pale and him dressed in a hospital pajamas, he still 
looked so stunning that he got me weak in the knees. Bragging was never 
Rhian’s strong point. 

“When did you wake up?” 

“About two days ago,” he answered, his voice deep and rugged that it was
like a Greek god had spoken his charms to me. 

“I’m sorry, I think I should introduce myself,” I apologized. “I’m...” 

I did not have a chance to complete my sentence. “I know who you are,”
he said and my heart dropped. Those were the words that I was begging 
not to hear. Those dreaded words would mean that everything would be 
revealed to Rhian and never again would she trust me. “You do?” I asked 
nervously, praying that I looked like some famous people whom he 
recognized. 

“Sure,” he replied confidently. “You’re Calista Sanders.” That was it,
my whole plan with Dad was foiled. After being discharged, he would be 
on a mission to track Rhian down and they would be reunited. I swear to 
god now that the reason that I did not want them back together was so 
Rhian would never find out that I had played her. I did not want to 
lose a sister. The jealousy I had towards her had faded away with each 
night I spent with her. 

God, she could not find out what I did. She would hate me forever. She
would never forgive me. She would run away from me. She would know that 
I had betrayed her trust. She would....She would cry and this time 
round, I would know that I was the cause of the tears flowing down her 
face. “Where’s Rhian?” he wanted to know. “Why isn’t she here?” 

I bit my lower lip nervously. I had no idea what to say to him. I had to
come up with a new plan. I had cover up the tracks that Dad and I had 
left. So I told him the first thing that came to mind. “Trey,” I 
whispered. “Rhian’s dead. She passed away the night you got shot.” His 
handsome face fell in disbelief and he sunk into the hospital bed, as 
though wanting it to swallow him up. “What?” he managed to choke out. 

I sniffed back a fake sob. “I’m so sorry.” 

He clutched his chest and his other hand gripped the white sheets of the
hospital. “No, no. She’s not dead. She couldn’t be,” he insisted, 
shaking his head. I had no idea how it could happen but his face became 
paler. I had told too much lies in this life of mine. I was a sinner. I 
was doomed to be sentenced to hell forever. I broke apart two lovers 
who had done no wrong to me. I was a devil in disguise. 

I bolted out of the room and pushed my way into the woman’s bathroom and
I stuck my finger down my throat. I poke and poke until my stomach 
swelled and I vomited out all the ugly toxics that flowed through my 
entire body. I threw out everything until I couldn’t anymore and in the 
end, I was left sitting in my own soiled self. 

*** 


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